Will anyone critique my Adversity Personal Statement?

[jjb09e]

I was wondering if someone would be willing to critique my personal statement on adversity and provide me with some positive feedback. Any help will be greatly appreciated! I will send it in a PM if so.

[jjb09e]

Adversity can be thought of as a state of calamity which can leave a serious impact one’s life. Overcoming adversity involves taking life’s situations and experiences and using them to shape your life in a constructive manner. The experiences throughout my life have helped me overcome adversity and have prepared me to become a successful law student.

My journey began when my father left my mother with five children to raise when I was seven. My mother being a disabled single parent, our family had no choice but to be put on welfare. Although hardships endured, a strong positive that came out of this was that I learned the value of family bonding and the power of family support to overcome these boundaries. For example, because of our financial situation, we couldn't afford gifts or going out for birthdays and Christmas, so creative gift making and quality family time was something truly special. My mother raised me to believe I could do all things if I set my mind to and these special moments helped me remember that I had one supportive and loving parent in my life. I was able to recognize what I am thankful for and to be a more selfless, caring individual.

Another year of reality came two years later, when my mother had to give up her job as a registered nurse due to her rapidly deteriorating health. On one specific night, my mom came down with a cold and because her debilitating immune system was unable to fight off the most common ailment. A common cold turned into a month stay in the hospital. I had to live with a family friend and attend school every day as though nothing had happened. I developed independence that most kids my age lacked. The crisis made me more resilient through optimistic thinking and faith. As time went on, whether she was in surgery for a heart bypass, the removal of a malignant spot of breast cancer, or just receiving three daily shots (humara, enbrel, methotrexate), which I administered personally, emotionally I held strong, kept my head up, and had faith. I found strength in the quote “this too shall pass.”

The most heart-wrenching moment in my life came towards the beginning of my sophomore year of college when my brother tragically passed away. My brother and I were like a photograph and its negative—Joshua, was tall for his age, I was short; he was quiet, I was noisy; he was shy , I was outgoing. But these small opposites only contributed to the strong bond we shared. We were only 18 months apart in age, and did everything together. He would always make me feel so proud. He was my protector

When I received the phone call, I refused to believe that my twenty year old brother had passed away. My memory of the moment is so clear it seems like someone has permanently stamped it on the inside of my skull. His death was sudden and shocking and left me feeling raw and very lost. Everyday, I wondered if I was strong enough to to pick up my shattered spirit and find peace within myself. I felt helpless and depressed for a very long time.

As a result, my academics, social life, and health suffered. After the initial shock began to wear off in the first few months, and reality sunk in, I woke up each morning with one single goal. To garner the strength to move forward with my life. From this, I learned that life is full of the unexpected. A sudden loss can be overwhelming, but with strong resilience and optimistic thinking any wound will heal. Because of this, I was able to take all the goodness my brother had as a person and apply it to mine.

My personal journey highlights some extremely emotional and formative periods in my life. Overcoming such adversity has blessed me with optimistic thinking, a goal-oriented mindset , and the strength to overcome any future obstacles that might stand in my way. In addition, I believe my personal loss explains the drastic change in my academic performance over my years as an undergraduate, due to an extensive battle with clinical depression. Although Joshua’s death is not the only event that changed me for the better during my journey through life, it is definitely the most significant. As a result, I have an increased capacity to be an involved and committed student; a strong and sensitive leader; and an individual with a desire to have a positive impact on society. In the years that have followed my brothers death, I tried my best to get back on track in the classroom and volunteered in the community through an after school tutor program, and even helped raise $5,000 for the Muscular Dystrophy Association I know that my motivation to achieve distinction inside and outside the classroom will continue as a law student and, along with my life experiences, will prepare me to be a successful lawyer.

[finknottle]

I've added a few comments for the first three paragraphs of your essay. Will add comments for the rest later. Meanwhile, others can chip in. Got to go now.

Adversity can be thought of as a state of calamity which can leave a serious impact on one’s life. Overcoming adversity involves taking life’s situations and experiences coma and using them to shape your one's life in a constructive manner. The experiences throughout my life have helped me overcome adversity and have prepared me to become a successful law student.(You've used the word 'adversity' once in every sentence. That stands out oddly. Also, since you aren't referring to a particular adversity, the use of the word adversity itself sounds a bit odd. To make a general statement, consider the plural 'adversities'. For eg., in your sentence, "helped me in overcoming adversities" )

My journey began when my father left my mother with five children to raise when I was seven. My mother being a disabled single parent, our family had no choice but to be put on welfare. Although hardships endured(endured is usually followed by something, as in 'we endured the hardships' or 'hardships endured by us ...'), a strong positive that came out of this was that I learned the value of family bonding(bonding sounds informal) and the power of family support to overcome in overcoming these boundaries(what boundaries? I can't find any explicit reference to boundaries.). For example, because of our financial situation, we couldn't afford gifts or going out outings for during birthdays and Christmas, so creative gift making and quality ;so making creative gifts and spending time with family time was something truly special. My mother raised me to believe that I could do all things(were you looking for 'anything'? A bit cliche though) if I set my mind to it coma and these special moments helped me remember that I had one supportive and loving parent in my life. I was able to recognize what I am thankful for and to be a more selfless, caring individual.(rewrite. Can't fix)

Another year of reality (weird phrase) came two years later,(no coma required) when my mother had to give up her job as a registered nurse due to her rapidly deteriorating health. On one specific night, my mom came down with a cold and because of her debilitating immune system she was unable to fight off the most common ailment. A common cold turned into a month('s) stay in the hospital. I had to live with a family friend and attend school every day as though nothing had happened(rewrite the last bit). I developed independence that most kids my age lacked(refrain from commenting on what others lack). The crisis made me more resilient through optimistic thinking and faith(faith in what?). As time went on, whether she was in surgery for a heart bypass, the removal of a malignant spot of breast cancer, or just receiving three daily shots (humara, enbrel, methotrexate), which I administered personally, emotionally I held strong, kept my head up, and had faith.(Too long, too much information. Rewrite.) I found strength in the quote “this too shall pass.”(cliche)

[jjb09e]

Thank you for the critiques finknottle! I am in the process fixing some of these errors now.

[coffeeplease]

Finknottle did a really good job already, so my only thought would be -- do you really need the first paragraph? They know the definition of adversity, and they know what the purpose of the essay is. You could use the saved space to maybe flesh out other areas of the essay.

[jjb09e]

Thank you for the advice coffeeplease! I think the essay with have a better flow without it. What do you think of my conclusion or should I add something more precise?

[coffeeplease]

You know the saying, "show, don't tell?" You've got a really powerful story and I think you undercut it a bit when you spell things out a bit too much (ie, this has made me "goal-oriented"). The things you've experienced and done are moving and powerful, and they will say a lot more about your character (although I would split up the last sentence and end on the note you have, or something similar to it)

[MCS_aspirant]

Finknottle did a really good job already, so my only thought would be -- do you really need the first paragraph? They know the definition of adversity, and they know what the purpose of the essay is. You could use the saved space to maybe flesh out other areas of the essay.

I totally agree, there is no need of the first paragraph.

I would also try getting rid of some redundant words.

Example: "One night" instead of "On one specific night"

Get rid of the sentence "He was my protector"

Just some thoughts,. Good luck!

[jjb09e]

Thank you. I really appreciate the advice everyone. I think the small changes really impact the overall quality of my essay.

[-hermes-]

Hi, I agree with the advice of the other posters regarding the first paragraph and the need to be more concise.

I also think the link between this event in your life and the resulting effect on your character needs to be strengthened. You say:

Although Joshua’s death is not the only event that changed me for the better during my journey through life, it is definitely the most significant. As a result, I have an increased capacity to be an involved and committed student; a strong and sensitive leader; and an individual with a desire to have a positive impact on society.

It's not totally clear to me how that event led you to be a more involved student, for example. Just adding a couple of linking sentences should strengthen this significantly.

[tendaysleft]

I'll be glad to give my two cents, too, in a PM, if you still would like any feedback. If you do, would you send the prompt, as well?