Transfer, take a semester off, quit? Confused & Frustrated

[DrOrpheus]

OK. I'm in the second semester of my MA and am really being tossed about with emotions and such. There are a few things going on, so please bear with me as they are all important factors in the decision I need to make. Said decision is described in the title; I don't feel like I can finish my MA where I'm at, so I need to make a decision.

Problem 1: My husband is a manipulative, emotionally abusive jerk. He will soon be my ex-husband but I am still working out the strategy to make my exit. (Financials and such) So for now, and for the foreseeable future, I will still be with this person--the situation dictates that I cannot even tell him of my intent until the last possible moment. Since I have started grad school, he has gone out of his way to make life outside the classroom as insanely difficult as possible. I won't go into boring details, but I will say that in order to keep some semblance of peace in our house I find that I put aside my work entirely too often in order to keep him somewhat happy. As a result, I'm forced on a regular basis (about 2x/week) to pull all-nighters. I have a mental health disorder. Going without sleep is VERY detrimental to my stability, as is this emotional abuse he's been putting me through. (There's more that I don't care to discuss) My decision is made, like I said above, but I just needed to vent. Sorry.

Problem 2: I am at the same school that granted my BA, because Husband of the Millenium would only allow me to apply to two schools of his choosing. He is NOT an historian or classicist. Since the Ancient History faculty at my school number exactly 3, you can imagine the course selection is...not awesome. At all. Last semester I couldn't even take a class with my mentor because it was a course I took as an undergrad. This spring he didn't teach a seminar, and will not be teaching at all in the fall. He is highly resistant to directed reading courses. So 3 semesters without working with my mentor at all. I'm getting really discouraged by this. To compound matters, I need a strong base in Classical languages so I can move on to the next level. Our school is horribly weak in Classics; I'm already forced to do directed study credits for my Greek, and will have to do the same for Latin in the fall. To be fair, the Classics department is bending over backward to give me these hours, but that just means half of my future SOP will be spent explaining them.

Problem 3: This one is really whiny but rather telling of the atmosphere I'm dealing with at school on top of that at home. I get absolutely no attention whatsoever from our faculty, where the other student in my specific cohort (who also got his BA here but I didn't know him before now) has professors falling over themselves to help him. These are professors whom I know well, they know me well, and we've always gotten along wonderfully (like bringing-souvenirs-back-from-vacation wonderfully) but as soon as they accepted me into the MA program last spring, they barely speak to me. It's like night and day, and my feelings are terribly hurt by this sudden change in treatment. What feedback I do manage to wring out of them is barely helpful, highly critical, and really doesn't help me improve. In short, they have their favorite and I have been cast aside. Am I jealous? Yes. I'm adult enough to admit that. But is it a situation that can easily be prevented/fixed by the faculty? Absolutely.

-------------------

I brought some of the home issues to the attention of our Roman historian, as she went through a nasty divorce a couple of years ago. I thought she might provide insight into the process. Nope. She started to (and is still trying to) talk me into dropping her course, yet still doing all of the work and coming to all of the classes, in order to gain a not-quite-guaranteed spot in her fall seminar. That would be, by the way, the only history course in my period offered this fall for grad students, so it would either be that course (which I have no guarantee of getting a spot in) or not taking a history course at all, which puts me in big trouble administratively as we have to take at least 4 credits in history coursework each semester. I don't really get why she wants me to drop so badly, because by her own admission I've done well on everything assigned. As for wanting me to have more time to get the home stuff straight...since she would still expect me to come to class and do all the work if I hope to get into the fall seminar, how the hell is that giving me time to deal with the personal stuff if I stay in the rest of my classes? *shrugs*

So...the department has barely any coursework for my period (that I didn't take as an undergrad), the Classics dept. is anemic at best, the faculty have basically forgotten that I exist, and I'm on the verge of being single for the first time in 10 years so I'm gonna be moving somewhere. On top of this, I have clearly missed the application deadlines for Fall 2012, drawing out the drama further.

Would you:

1) suck it up and finish the MA here, kicking as much ass as you can in an effort to stick it to those profs who are ignoring you;

2) take the bare minimum coursework until I can transfer (knowing full well that I might not get in anywhere for Fall 2013 and be forced to finish here anyway since that many credits won't transfer);

3) withdraw from the semester completely while I still can in order to focus on the personal, or;

4) just quit altogether?

I love my field, but I'm so discouraged and frustrated in every single aspect of life right now that I don't know what to do. It's gotten slightly better since I made my decision regarding my marriage, even though I have to stick it out for a bit longer, because mentally I've made the break and have kind of compartmentalized that distraction. At the end of the day, I kind of feel like this school was a mistake and it's hurting my potential. I feel unappreciated and unwanted, which isn't helping. But would putting myself in a brand new situation, new city, new school, new faculty, new cohort really help or should I try to salvage what relationship I might still have with the faculty here? Perhaps the bigger question should be: should I say anything at all to the profs? Should I confront them about the perceived preferential treatment issue? Should I even broach the subject of transferring to another school? Those are things I did NOT discuss with the prof when I told her about the marital issues.

Sorry this is so long. I just have nobody to talk to that can even remotely begin to understand what is swirling around in my mind and soul right now. Anyway, any and all advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading, let me know how much the bill is for the lasik to fix your eyes. LOL

[blankslate]

Ouch, that sounds like one hell of a situation. I was actually in a similar situation in late November:

1) Going through a bad breakup

2) Feeling unwanted by faculty

3) Wondering what to do with the rest of my life

I was planning to apply for PhD programs, but with everything happening, I wondered if it was better to just call it off. Instead, I decided to pour myself into my courses and my applications, because honestly I felt my back against the wall and it was all I had. My work, and my applications, were inspired. It was some of the best writing and work I've ever done.

I can't understand the magnitude of your situation, mine wasn't a divorce, so take my advice in context. I would heavily advise against quitting, or doing anything that might sabotage your future career. Personal issues can be brutal, but the feeling of having worked through them without setting back other areas of my life was wonderful. And the work took my mind off other problems, if only temporarily. This is just me, but I wouldn't talk to the professors about any of your issues unless absolutely critical. Also, it's hard to know what they're seeing from their end when you're feeling this distraught, sleep deprived etc.

That's my spiel. I think you should push through and give it your all. Get better soon!

[UnlikelyGrad]

Poor Dr. Orpheus. I certainly understand the manipulative, emotionally abusive jerk-of-a-husband thing. I told mine I was filing for divorce by having him served with papers--at which point I had already moved out. Mine also did his best to sabotage my higher education.

It's been tough since the divorce, there's no doubt about it, but at least he's not there yapping at me and demanding WE HAVE TO TALK, NOW...about subjects he didn't want to discuss at all until I had a major project due, he's not stopping me from going into lab when I need to go in at odd hours, etc. He still tries to make life as tough as possible (we have kids and are forced to interact) and I have to admit, sometimes I'm only keepin' on because HE WANTS TO MAKE ME QUIT, DAMMIT.

My situation is different from yours in that I ended up in a good program (at great personal cost to myself, but that's another story) and I have a super-supportive advisor. My research has been my sanity-saver during the last few years.

How easy would it be for you to move? (I don't know if you have kids or not--that may be a crucial factor in this equation.)

And how will he react when he finds out you're filing for divorce--would it be safer for you to be in another city? When you're dealing with abuse, you always need to have a safety plan in place.

If you feel that this is too much info to give in an open forum, feel free to send me a private message.

[msafiri]

Honestly, I would finish this semester and then take a leave of absence. During that time, you can get divorced and move, hopefully to an area with several universities where you can improve your language skills and then subsequently apply to MA or PhD programs.

[123student]

That's a very unpleasant situation to be in, but fortunately a temporary one. Don't quit as long as you love your work.

This may be stating the obvious, but I wonder to what extent your marital situation has cast a pall over your academic situation. If your husband manipulated you into choosing your current program, you might reasonably say that your current program isn't the most exciting option for you. If it isn't, then this may be showing to those around you, who in turn are working with/reacting to the degree of interest they see in you. Negative cycles, like positive ones, tend to perpetuate themselves, but if one can get a handle on the negative momentum, then one can turn it in a positive direction. If you feel like this in your current program, and if your husband was part of your choice of this program, then getting out from under his influence as soon as you can could bring great results, especially with your relationships with your faculty & colleagues, by giving you more space & energy to build better relationships with them, and thus a more rewarding program.

An MA in your current program could be worth much more than just transfer credits from it, so finishing where you are in the time you have might be the wisest choice. What would make this program exciting for you, and how could you achieve those things? Drawing up a plan for this, and then presenting your advisors with a set of clear goals, would both give you a clear roadmap and show your advisors your commitment & motivation, which could improve relations with your faculty & colleagues as well as your perspective. With this semester about halfway over, you have several weeks to accomplish academic goals, and then the summer months to organize personal ones (your divorce & move). Then in the fall, a new academic year begins on track with your goals, both the short-term ones that would complete your current program, as well as the longer-term goals (languages & other background) that would set you up for a good PhD program.

Lasik bill: $450

[DrOrpheus]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply! After typing all of this out, and researching some other options, I've come to the conclusion that I will finish my MA here. I'd also like to implement a plan B, C, and D and will be inquiring about picking up a few non-History or Classics courses to make these viable.

@blankslate: back against the wall, yes. Very much so. It's the one thing keeping me going from day-to-day. I'm hoping the feeling of kicking ass and taking names comes sooner rather than later, but as long as it comes, I will welcome it with open arms.

@UnlikelyGrad: You're just awesome. You helped me with another post last year regarding mental health issues and SOP's. So far, so good, it hasn't really been an issue (surprising, since everything is so screwy right now). I'm sorry that you also have a jerk to deal with. Thankfully once the break is made for me, it is done because we don't have kids. I do believe that getting out of this city would be a prudent move, but he is in a profession that looks down on criminal activity (he could get his license yanked) so I feel that it wouldn't be an immediate threat. The whole needing to talk about stuff only when I'm on deadline is killing me, but because I know it would give him great joy if I were to quit, I absolutely refuse to even take a semester off at this point.

@ECGscholar: When I was thinking about things last night and earlier today I had a bit of an epiphany. I'm going to talk to my advisor about adding those non-History/Classics courses. If I don't end up leaving the PhD dream behind, I will have a solid base on which to pursue something kind of cool; a hybrid of history, archaeology, and multimedia that can make ancient history more accessible/interesting to a wider audience. That's what I'm in this for, and this is always something that's been in the back of my mind. I've got the base skills to do what I'm thinking already but could stand to benefit greatly from receiving formal instruction in these areas. If the PhD thing doesn't pan out for whatever reason, I can enter the job market in a capacity similar to what I used to do years ago (and loved except the pay) with more credentials and the potential for better pay. BTW, the check's in the mail. ;-)

[UnlikelyGrad]

I do believe that getting out of this city would be a prudent move, but he is in a profession that looks down on criminal activity (he could get his license yanked) so I feel that it wouldn't be an immediate threat.

Control freaks (which many abusers are) don't always react rationally when their control is yanked away. So do be cautious.

The whole needing to talk about stuff only when I'm on deadline is killing me, but because I know it would give him great joy if I were to quit, I absolutely refuse to even take a semester off at this point.

I hear you. Hang in there! And, like I said, feel free to contact me if you ever need to talk--I know I always felt better after talking to someone who's BTDT.

BTW, good books if you're dealing with abusers: "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft and "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. The first is my favorite.

[ANDS!]

Wow. Eff that noise. I have a peer who had to deal with the same (during her undergrad). She is still living with him, but she rents a small room as a "study" far away from the home life. IF you like the program, perhaps look into that until you are able to severe ties (she sometimes sleeps there). . .

Although I would just take the year off as suggested and apply to a different program; if you've put too much work into the MA - just stick around for another year; it'll be torture, but you'll be better positioned when its time to bolt.