Give Feedback:Statement of Purpose 500 words

[Hamir Riaz Farooqi]

Please give feedback and also remove errors(if any)

This is the prompt

"You are required to submit a PDF version of a succinct (two pages maximum) Statement of Purpose outlining your goals for your degree program. Specifically, you should detail why you would like to come to xxx to engage in studies leading to a degree in Electrical and Computer Engineering. Please describe your aptitude and motivation for graduate study in your area of research interest, including your preparation for this field of study, your academic plans or research goals, and your future career goals. "

Here is what I have written:

As a high-performing graduate with a major in telecommunications technology, I am committed to being at the forefront of this transformative industry. A master’s degree in the field of telecommunications engineering is my next goal, and, given the global nature of this industry, I wish to further my studies in Canada. I believe studying away from Pakistan, my home country, will prepare me well for this global industry.

I recently completed my bachelor’s degree with a major in telecommunications engineering from xx University; I consistently achieved grades that placed me in the top 5% of my class, and I received the Departmental Merit Scholarships on three occasions. In courses such as DSP and ADC, I developed the perfect grounding for advanced levels of the academy. In addition, under the guidance of xxx, senior lecturer of our department, I led a six-member research team, which proposed a method to mitigate interference in ad-hoc networks in final year for partial fulfillment of degree requirements. We successfully completed the research project and defended it before a committee of 5 professors and received valuable comments and criticism. The practical perspective I gained from such projects have developed my research expertise and prepared me well for postgraduate study and research.

In addition to my academic work, I participated in extra-curricular activities. Last year, I led a group of university students helping flood victims in Pakistan. We worked with a team from NGO Sindh Agricultural and Forestry Workers Coordinating Organization (SAFWCO). I raised money for the victims, bought supplies, and distributed tents, food, blankets and other essentials. This experience, which demonstrates my communication and leadership skills, has given me a newfound appreciation of the importance of service and helping those in need. In addition, throughout my four-year degree course, I voluntarily tutored junior students in courses relevant to my area of study. This not only illustrates my dedication to my field but also my willingness to communicate, network and liaise with colleagues and to support other students in their endeavors. As these experiences show, I am highly motivated and proactive at learning new skills and experiencing new things. This is precisely why I have decided to continue challenging myself by studying for a master’s degree in Canada.

The xx’s Telecommunications Engineering program fits well with my skills and aspirations, and the interdisciplinary nature of the program is especially attractive. In particular, I want to integrate the business and regulatory aspects of telecommunications into my engineering studies so that I can develop a broad appreciation for the challenges faced by the telecommunications industry. The program’s hands-on focus and business connections are vitally important to me.

In exchange, I believe I can be a valuable addition to your student body. I will continue to demonstrate academic excellence, a commitment to mastering new skills, and a dedication to international citizenship. Finally, I believe my international perspective and experience will add to your program.

Earning a Master’s Degree from xx would be an honor for me and a means for a career that would be enriching and rewarding on many levels.

Thank you for your consideration.

[TakeruK]

Hi, I've completed all of my schooling so far in the Canadian system and I did apply to Canadian Masters programs in 2010. Although I'm not in the same field, here are some comments which you might find helpful:

1. I would remove descriptive adjectives, especially in your first paragraph (e.g. "high performing"). Although this is an essay, it's also an (applied) science field, and scientists, I think, prefer more explicit descriptions. For example, in your 2nd paragraph, you say you are in the top 5% of your class, which is great. That's much more useful to say than to saying you are a "high performing graduate". That is, in a SOP, you want to "show", not "tell" -- don't just say you are a high achiever, show the committee what you have done that demonstrates your achievements.

2. In your first paragraph, you say you want to "stay away from Pakistan". This could be a bad way of wording it. I understand that you are trying to say that your field is a global one, so you want to take your education international in order to get more global experience. That's probably a good thing to say, but I would reword it so it doesn't sound so negative towards your home country.

3. You have two pages to write about yourself, but this seems pretty short. Sometimes short and sweet is good, but I think you can expand your 2nd paragraph (about your academic work) a little bit more. I'm not saying to just add filler stuff, since that's definitely not good, but you can describe your research project further. What skills, precisely, did you learn? In my field, I would mention what software I used, what programming languages/computing skills were needed, and especially what kind of communication skills did you learn? For example, working collaboratively in a group is hard but important in research. Did you work with collaborators outside of your school? Did you do any other research projects? Did you publish any papers or write any patents? Did you hand in anything written for your project, like a mini thesis or paper, or was it just an oral defense? All of these things are useful skills for an incoming graduate student.

4. Related to point #3, it seems like your academic experience is smaller than your extracurriculars. While both are important, I think you should definitely emphasize your academic work more. So if you do expand upon your academic/research experience as in point #3, maybe you want to split it into two paragraphs.

5. I like the way you ended the SOP, but you didn't really answer the prompt about future career goals. Where do you see yourself after a Masters degree? Will you be looking for work after, or will this masters degree prepare you for a PhD? I think you can improve your SOP by answering these questions and then explicitly showing how the Masters will help you towards these goals.

Hope that's helpful!

[Hamir Riaz Farooqi]

Your advice is quite helpful. Should I delete some stuff from my extracurricular paragraph?

[TakeruK]

I don't think you need to remove anything from the extracurriculars -- just beef up on the academic details. If you must remove something for space, then the weakest/least useful part is the sentences about tutoring -- you can just put that in the CV I think.