Dealing with life, the university and EVERYTHING (for people who didn't move away from their pre-grad-school lives))

[SeriousSillyPutty]

I am very thankful that the transition to grad school was made SO much easier by the fact I didn't have to move. I am especially thankful that I get to keep my support network and don't have to start my social life from scratch.

But.

<rant>

All of my community involvement stuff is KILLING me this past few weeks. It's crunch time for a community thing I'm a coordinator for, and I've been slacking on getting it together. There's a family I hang out with and kids I mentor, who I would usually try to see every week but haven't seen for three. I'm a "Big Sister", and my "Little" is great, but spending time with her eats up my entire Sunday.

And then there are the things where others aren't neccessarily depending on me, but I know are important if I want to stay emotionally healthy: I don't want to ditch my friend who I used to hang out with once a week, and it's important to me to stay involved in my church so that I can keep perspective on things (and, again, maintain my support network).

I'm stressing out over spending time on events I care about and often people I love because I'm running out of time to all I need to for class.

</rant>

I've warned the kids that we won't get to spend as much time together, and once I've taken the older ones to the library so we could ALL work on homework/reading. One of the committees I'm on I can bow out of at the end of the semester. Church and friends I can always bail on if neccessary, I just don't want to get into that habit.

Is anyone else having trouble turning down everything else in their life as they ramp up grad school?

[GreenePony]

DH had this exact problem in grad school- he stayed at our alma mater (this point where we met) and tried to stay involved the same amount he was in undergrad. This really did not work for him- it would have gone a lot better for him if he had separated undergrad expectations from grad expectations. I haven't run into that problem yet since we moved and are just plugging into the new church (or involved in anything else yet). Something a friend suggested is to limit one day (he chose Sunday) to no schoolwork whatsoever. Since you already have your little during the day, could you set up a standing time with friends in the evening?

Does your church have a grad student group? Before DH and I started attending our young marrieds w/o kids class (really, young professionals with too many degrees ), we went to one and everyone was really understanding of crazy schedules. It worked out a lot better than sticking with the regular college ministry. During crunch time people were really understanding if you just "disappeared" into the library. Even in our young marrieds class, we kept our small group/Bible study to Sunday evenings so it didn't run into "real life" and had social events on other days and if someone had a presentation, conference, trial, etc that week everyone was really understanding if they didn't come that week.

I think taking your mentor kids to the library to do schoolwork is a good idea- you're still setting a good example but also getting to spend time with them.

[Dal PhDer]

I am in the same situation as yourself. I have lived in this city all my life and have lots of responsibilities outside of school: family, friends, work and community.

There is a point where you have to really decide what you can and cannot do. Your friends and family should understand that you are at a point in your life where it's important for you to invest what you need to into your career- they will understand and be there for you. Sometimes with work and community obligations you have to decide if it's really worth it. Will it help your career? Help your wellbeing? Help your research? It's difficult managing these obligations with not wanting to disappoint people. But it's better to make sure you can manage your plate, rather than have it all fall.

It's also really important, like you said, to have stuff that's for YOU. I do this through social sports with my friends- so I combine something for me, an activity with my friends, and exercise into one thing!

I think we are largely brought up to believe that it's wrong to put ourselves and what we need first. But sometimes, especially in grad school...you have to do that. You have to say no to other people and other obligations and focus on yourself.

PS: I am still failing at this!

Edited September 21, 2012 by Dal PhDer