First time at a formal dance: things I must know

[thatanonymousguy]

I am a grad student in my early 20s, and I will soon be going to a formal dance for the VERY FIRST time in my life. I never went to homecoming, prom, or anything like that when I was young. This girl happened to ask me to this formal that our university is having, and that’s what motivated me to go. I thought it would be a good experience for me, and of course I am happy to go with the girl as I find her attractive; I don’t know her extremely well but we have a class together and she seems nice, so getting to know her better would be an added bonus.

All I would like to ask for is a list of things I MUST know before I go since I don’t have any experience with these kinds of events, but of course I don’t want to reveal this to people I know. It would be really helpful if someone can give a very simple overview of what to expect throughout the evening, all the way from the time we get there until we leave, particularly regarding important traditions and anything else a first-time person may not find obvious. The things I really need to learn are etiquette, both at the table and on the dance floor, as far as what I “should” do (because it’s expected), and also anything that I absolutely shouldn’t do. So any etiquette tips would be very useful as well- I guess this sort of overlaps with traditions. I’m not a great dancer by any means and I don’t have much experience, but I’m guessing I should be able to get by on the dance floor assuming everything else goes well. I just need to know what TYPES of dancing will take place at a formal event such as this, and which dances people my age should be “expected” to know. I’m actually more worried about dance etiquette than the actual dancing itself to be honest.

If you want to know some background about me such as why I never went to a dance before, this was partly because I grew up with “Asian parents” who tended to discourage those kinds of activities (but didn’t explicitly forbid them), and partly because I simply lacked the courage to ask a girl to any of those events. As you might guess, I have never really had a girlfriend either. But I’m not as weird as I may sound…I am very laid-back, friendly, and enjoy meeting new people- I’m not shy, I’m probably pretty average. I’m typically not the life of the party though, because I tend to say funny things only if I think they’re ACTUALLY funny, not just for the sake of acting cool, and I’m not much for meaningless gossip or making fun of individual people even behind their back. I still can be fun to hang around…I always like talking to people and I sometimes tell good jokes or occasionally even act really silly (when sober OR drunk) and people find it entertaining. I just described myself a little in case that might help anyone give me more specialized advice about this formal…ANYTHING would be greatly appreciated.

So to sum it all up:

1) Overview of what happens at a formal dance and what it’s like overall?

2) What types of dances to expect at a formal (slow dance, waltz, hip-hop, cha cha, salsa, etc.)?

3) Any things I SHOULD or SHOULDN’T do/say to the girl at any point throughout the evening?

4) Basic etiquette tips/rules?

5) Any important traditions for events like this?

[SeriousSillyPutty]

Okay, I'm not the person to ask, but hopefully once one person replies others will think of more.

1) I never went to a formal dance in college, and I think it's a little different than prom/homecoming -- which I went to about a decade ago. Plus, I've found that such traditions vary region to region. (For instance, at my high school, the girls wore long poofy "princess dresses" to homecoming and the guys wore suits with color-coordinated ties, but at the school I worked at, the kids wore "clubbin' clothes" (shorter dresses) -- and then other schools have been in between.)

The good news about this is that I do not think you have to give away your mysterious past in order to justify asking her for details about this particular event.

Dress code wise, ask her if you should wear a black suit, or something else, like a sport coat or (if it's really fancy) a tux. It might be nice to ask if she wants you to do any color coordinating, though I'm guessing the answer is no.

There may be a meal or there may not be, so check about that. If there's not, see if she wants to go somewhere for dinner before hand.

For guys asking girls, the expectation is usually the guy pays for both tickets . Under these circumstances, I think you'd just pay for your own, but I'm not sure. If you go out for dinner you should pay. (It's a way to show you appreciate a beautiful woman spending her evening with you.)

If there's not a meal, there will probably punch and/or snacks, and probably areas closer and farther from the dance floor, depending on if you want to talk more or dance more.

2) In my experience, formals aren't so different from the later part of a wedding reception. There's typically a DJ playing mostly current pop music, mixed in with older favorites. You don't need to know any ballroom dancing. I'd say it's totally acceptable for people to dance with people they didn't come with (except for maybe slow dances). For slow dancing, the hands-on-her waste shuffle will usually suffice. For fast dancing... sheesh. I can't dance, and don't really enjoy it, but at wedding receptions I find I have to fake it or else people think I'm a spoil-sport. Move all four limbs in time and hope for the best is all I can suggest.

OH! I have one important tip: Often at these things they do the cha-cha slide, electric slide or another song where everyone lines up in a grid, does the same moves, then turns and repeats. A rookie mistakes is to stand in the back, which is problematic because after a few measures of rotating you end up in the very front. So, if possible, embed yourself in the middle. :-) I think it's much more socially acceptable for guys to not know how to dance, so as long as you're willing I'm guessing she'll be appreciative.

3) I have a friend who would go to dances for the express purpose of making out in the corner, but I don't think this is normal, and so I would plan on staying hands-off except for slow dancing. You can probably get away with a hand in the small of her back while walking. (I think handsy guys are a turnoff, so I wouldn't recommend more than this, but I guess I'm pretty conservative, too.)

Since you're just getting to know her, you can ask the regular questions. Try to ask "open questions", as opposed to "closed questions" which can be answered with one or two words: What got you interested in your field of study? How does this town compare to your home town? (Or what do you miss?) When coursework isn't all-consuming, what kinds of hobbies/activities are you interested in?

4) My opinion is better to start chivalrous and adjust to more egalitarian than the other way around. Girls do these things so that they can feel like Cinderella, for the night, so compliment her. Plan on paying for things and opening doors, but if she thinks this is chauvinistic, stay flexible. If it's chilly, offer your jacket. Gum or mints never hurt to have on hand. If you're driving, clean out your car. Have some cash on hand, in case you have to tip a valet or bartender or something, though I don't think that will be an issue on campus. Be yourself, just be the version of yourself that is focused on her.

5) Can't think of any traditions. She may want to document the occasion, so offer to take a picture of her or of her and her friends, and be ready to get in a picture yourself.

Again, nothing I said is based on a college dance, so get some other advice too.

Good luck!

[memyselfandcoffee]

I think you are over thinking things, which is of course understandable, given you dont know what to expect.

I'll tell you what happens in my country at these kind of things anyway. You collect ( some countries it is customary to give a corsage and something like choclates for the Mum, but that is at proms, not college level things in my country). Be chivalorous and tell her she looks amazing--- as someone who is very independent and a bit of feminsist in some ways , I still appreciate being made feel special and having a date that's polite and chivalarous.

then its pre-drinks, all the girls are checking out each other's dress and hair and dates-- its nice to be complimenary and of course freindly

then dinner, people drink alot of wine and get busy chatting, after dinner, more drinks , people dance or talk to people at tables-- I'm not much of dancer, so I like just chatting, In my country we are big drinkers, so most people get pretty sloshed-- its usually good fun-- other countries probably don't drink as much as we do, so guess just follow other peoples lead. If I were in your situation I'd have a few drinks to take the edge off and so I could relax and enjoy the banter, but I wouldn't get legless.

thats pretty much it really, it sounds like your nice and freindly person, so stop worrying, be yourself and dont forget to have a good time!!!

ps, make sure you ask your date for few slow dances, she must like you, so pay her due attention.

have fun!!!

[ohgoodness]

So to sum it all up:

1) Overview of what happens at a formal dance and what it’s like overall?

2) What types of dances to expect at a formal (slow dance, waltz, hip-hop, cha cha, salsa, etc.)?

3) Any things I SHOULD or SHOULDN’T do/say to the girl at any point throughout the evening?

4) Basic etiquette tips/rules?

5) Any important traditions for events like this?

I went to a couple of formal dances during a year at the Uni. of Saskatchewan (...) which is a rather traditional kind of place. I had never even heard of a formal event prior to this and I was rather nervous the first time. But dude - be easy, smile and tell the girl she looks lovely. Ask her about dress code and dress accordingly. Just be laidback. It might feel like there are lots of rules and regulations around formal events but hell - it's a dance and a girl asked you - ignore everything but your companion.

It's like going to welcome day at your new school - new place, new people, new things but you'll just follow the crowd and forget yourself in a matter of minutes.

Edited November 19, 2012 by cherub

[GreenePony]

2) In my experience, formals aren't so different from the later part of a wedding reception. There's typically a DJ playing mostly current pop music, mixed in with older favorites. You don't need to know any ballroom dancing.

Pretty much, as far as a college formal being like a wedding reception goes.

DH was in a fraternity so I was dragged along to their formals and semis. It seems pretty standard between his dances and my friends in sororities that most of it really isn't dancing as much as socializing. There was one formal on campus that had formalized dancing (basic Ballroom- shaky waltz and foxtrot, and a little Latin) and that was only because the program prided itself on being “classical” (their translation: stuffy). Watch the first few songs (once people actually start getting out on the floor) for what people are doing as far as dancing goes. I think she would warn you if there were a certain style of dance she expected you to know.

Oh, and as for people in the early 20s being expected to know any dances in general- I don't think anyone really expects your average 20-something to know anything beyond the sway-and-shuffle (see SeriousSillyPutty's response) and whatever you do during those fast/popular songs. I ran a dance organization on my campus and I can tell you the vast majority had no idea what they were doing without a top 40 song (to be fair, there were a number that could two-step and Texas two-step but we were *in* Texas.)

It would be worthwhile to ask what's typical as far as suit goes but for our formals- it was a dark suit and tie with the girls in formal (not black tie) dresses.