Talking to professors... help?

[smugpug]

I'm in a top-tier Masters program coming from undergrad at a bottom-tier State school where I completed coursework in a different field. I've always had a hard time talking to my professors, and in undergrad I mostly avoided it or didn't need to.

I honestly thought I'd find a way to get over my fear in grad school, but it's so much worse now. I'm completely intimidated by my professors and everyone else here, and when I ask questions I get tongue tied and say things that don't come out right. The other cohorts are always in professors' offices during their free time to ask questions or just socialize, while I avoid every interaction possible.

Am I the only one out there who has this problem? I'm talking to a councilor about it but I'd like to get some other people's perspectives.

[Chai_latte]

Nope. You're not the only person w/ this prob. When my mom was a grad student, she had a prof. who had come from President Johnson's administration and he was intimidating (not intentionally though). Apparently, he was handsome, super-smart and direct. She'd get dry mouth when she would speak with him during office hours. She saw the on-campus psychologist and the problem went away. She met success in his class, and all was well.

I've never had that problem. I see all my profs. as teachers- plain and simple. I don't freak myself out about them being super-accomplished, or anything. They're there (in my mind's eye) to help me learn. The more accomplished they are, the more I can learn from them. Period. So, keep seeing that counselor and relaxxxx. They don't bite.

[theregalrenegade]

I have the same issues. I talked to my doctor about it and after much consideration we decided I would take a low dose of Xanax before my seminar classes or important appointments with my professors. It didn't take away all the nervousness, but I was able to have a normal conversation and discuss my work much more intelligently. Soon, I got so used to talking with professors and in class that I noticed I didn't need the Xanax as much. Now, I only take it before big presentations and major engagements. I know medication is not for everyone, but in my case it really helped me overcome those hurdles. Continue to talk to your counselor, but also talk to your doctor.

[runaway]

Do you have a chance to get to know PhD students who are teaching? I went to a SLAC, so my professors always seemed fairly approachable, but after I started making friends who were TAs and PhDs themselves, I realized that any last remnants of intimidation started to go away because, in essence, I had beers and went to the movies, etc, with their future colleagues all the time.

Yes, your professors are more experienced and knowledgeable, and might be far further along in their career than anyone near your peer level. But they also like the same popular TV shows and sports teams, might be on facebook, make mistakes... maybe keeping these things in mind might help when talking to them. Or maybe your problem is far deeper, in which case, the earlier posters have good advice.

[Arcadian]

I'm the same way. I suspect that I have some extent of "social anxiety disorder" but have never been diagnosed. I absolutely dread interacting with many people (except those with whom I'm already comfortable), and I avoid it whenever possible.

With regard to Chai_latte's post, it has nothing to with how attractive or charismatic the person is. Some of us just aren't comfortable with on-the-fly social interaction, and talking to a counselor doesn't necessarily help with that. (Also, ironically, people with social anxiety are the least likely to see a counselor, which is itself a form of social interaction...but that doesn't seem to be the case here.)

There are lots of misconceptions about this condition. It also has nothing to do with self-esteem or confidence. I happen to be an optimistic, generally happy, highly confident, high self-esteem person...when I am in a comfortable situation. And even when I am having social anxiety, my inner thoughts still tend to be positive overall. Anxiety is implicit, not explicit - that is, you can have all the positive conscious thoughts you want, but you will still have a physiological response that signals threat and discomfort.

My solution is email. Whenever I have a question or comment that I'm afraid to make in class (or even after class with the professor), I simply email the professor after class from the comfort of my home. And this has lots of advantages. First of all, writing is objectively clearer than speaking. Even the best speaker in the world will not be able to deliver the perfect question or comment under the pressure of social interaction. Writing allows you to take extra time to ensure that every sentence is perfectly constructed, every word is optimally selected, etc. Time is of the essence, and it's what you don't have when speaking on-the-fly. I hate speaking on-the-fly! Ugh.

Prepared presentations are different. I actually do well with those because I am actually prepared. But if you ask me to give an unexpected presentation, I will go into a panic attack and utterly crumble under pressure. I need lots and lots and lots and lots of preparation before I'm comfortable giving a talk. And I guess that's okay...right?

Now, I'm not the most extreme case possible. I do interact with people on-the-fly sometimes, I have made a few friends in my program, and I have built a sense of rapport with two or three professors that I especially like. Maybe I over-emphasized my problems above, but the point is that some people are naturally uncomfortable in these situations, and we just have different ways of communicating.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Arcadian

[Chande]

I found that talking with a counselor who understood how I felt and went to great pains to make our meetings as comfortable as possible (we met in her home and, knowing that I am more naturally comfortable with cats than I am with people, let her cat sit in the room with us to help calm me down). I found that it was very helpful to have someone to talk to about how I was feeling without being judgmental about it. At my worst I felt nauseous and sometimes threw up whenever I was around anyone I didn't know well.

I'm still nervous about talking to professors but at least no longer have the issue of extreme nausea to deal with along with it. Email is generally how I try to cope with it.

[Owlie]

You aren't the only one. I went from a top-tier university for undergrad to a middle-tier state university for my master's. I found it hard to talk to professors (apart from a couple) without getting nervous in undergrad. It took me a few months to be able to comfortably talk to my advisor, even though he's very laid back and approachable. (And now I have a beer with him on Fridays...) There's still one professor in this department that I can't talk to because I find her intimidating. I have to keep telling myself that they're not judging me. They're there to teach and mentor, and they know I don't know everything. Otherwise I wouldn't be there.

I still use e-mail for important stuff, though.

Edited December 5, 2012 by Owlie