Please critique my SOP..I need help!!!!

[tboymech]

Hey guys, below is the initial draft for my SOP. I Please provide useful feedback.

Thanks

 

 

 

Research and academia have always been of keen interest to me. I was exposed to my first research project when I was accepted to an undergraduate summer research program in 2011. I was tasked with investigating the effect of noise on non-linear dynamical systems. As I worked on this research project, I discovered a “new me” someone who was curious in understanding and comprehending the complex principles of science and engineering. Immediately, a curious researcher was born. My Research endeavor continued as I joined a research group that is currently studying the effect of temperature on curved panel flutter at supersonic speed using Finite Element Analysis and MatLab. We anticipate that the results produced from this one year long research will help scientists and engineers in the Aerospace industry better understand how airplane interact with temperature at supersonic speed. For me, I feel an inner joy when I can contribute in my own little way through research be it in Dynamical systems or Computation Solid Mechanics to help advance science and engineering.

 

In addition, my passion toward academia has been exhibited through my service as a teacher’s assistant for the past two years. I feel a sense of ultimate satisfaction when I help students with lab sessions, home works, or understanding engineering concepts. One of my most memorable events as a TA quickly comes to my memory. It was in the fall of 2011. I stayed late hours to help a student in an Electric Circuit lab figure out why the student was not getting the right results. After long hours of troubleshooting and thorough brainstorming, we realized that the problem stemmed from an improper calibration of the Oscilloscope devise. We were able to re-calibrate the Oscilloscope device, run the experiment, and generate consistent results. This is was the height of self-satisfaction. As a graduate student I hope to continue in this fashion to do what I have always loved doing—Assist students.

 

Also, my experience as a research and teachers assistant has helped me develop skill I believe is vital to being a successful graduate student— team work, strong interpersonal and communication skill. I believe that the skills I have acquired through working as a researcher and teacher assistant will enable me excel in graduate school.

 

My deepest fervor for engineering was ignited when I took Heat transfer class. I quickly developed an interest in the area of Heat transfer and Thermal Sciences. To further appreciate and understand the practical importance of Heat transfer and Thermal science field, I secured an internship in a heat transfer company, Tranter. This company specializes in manufacturing heat exchangers. I have continued to work closely with the design engineers in my company to grasp and fully appreciate the practical applications of Heat transfer and Thermal Science. My unquenchable thirst in this field has brought a strong conviction to me that an undergraduate program in Mechanical Engineering will not satisfy my inquisitive nature in this field; therefore, my drive and motivation for a graduate degree.

 

My ultimate goal is to obtain a PhD degree and work as a renowned researcher. In addition, my deep love toward helping students succeed has to be fulfilled. Therefore, I will want to contribute the knowledge gained from obtaining a graduate degree from you prestigious school towards helping students understand the fundamental principle of Thermal and Fluid sciences through academic services.

 

The Heat transfer, Energy and Thermal Science area of the Mechanical Engineering Program at Virginia Tech looms large in my mind, largely because of its outstanding faculty and dynamic approach toward this research area. I have keen interest in working with Professor Srinath V. Ekkad and Professor Wing Ng especially after visiting both of their labs during the College of Engineering fall graduate recruiting event I attended. I had a rare opportunity to see firsthand research that is been carried out in heat transfer study of Turbine blade in a Transonic Cascade. I also visited Professor Srinath V. Ekkad research lab where advance heat transfer research is been carried out in Power Electronic and Heat Exchangers. After this wonderful experience, I had no doubt that Virginia Tech was the graduate Engineering Program most suited for my academic and career goals. I had the opportunity to tour both the campus and the city of Blacksburg. The environment was ideal for me. The beautiful mountain scenery was just heart worming, the perfect environment for a young and vibrant researcher like me. If given the opportunity to pursue a Master’s of Science in Mechanical Engineering at Virginia Tech, my passion, Inquisitiveness, team work ethics, interpersonal skill, and strong communication skill will make me an ideal, willing, promising, and invaluable candidate for your program.

 

 

[Lanie]

Hey guys, below is the initial draft for my SOP. I Please provide useful feedback.

Thanks

 

 

 

Research and academia (you need to define this as its very vague. What parts? What is of keen interest exactly?) have always been of keen interest to me. I was exposed to my first research project when I was accepted to an undergraduate summer research program in 2011 (repetitive, just say "my first research project involved). I was tasked with investigating the effect of noise on non-linear dynamical systems. As I worked on this research project, I discovered a “new me” (grammar) someone who was curious in understanding and comprehending (repetitive, means the same thing) the complex principles of science and engineering. Immediately, a curious researcher was born. My research endeavors continued as I joined a research group that is currently studying the effect of temperature on curved panel flutter at supersonic speed using Finite Element Analysis and MatLab. We anticipate that the results produced from this one year long research study will help scientists and engineers in the Aerospace industry better understand how airplanes interact with temperature at supersonic speed. For me, I feel an inner joy (ok without meaning to offend this sounds sort of creepy, be real say "this research is exciting or something less... creepy) when I can contribute in my own little way through research be it in Dynamical systems or Computation Solid Mechanics to help advance science and engineering.

 

In addition, my passion toward academia has been exhibited through I have served as a  teacher’s assistant for the past two years. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I help students with lab sessions, home work, or understanding engineering concepts. One of my most memorable events as a TA quickly comes to my memory. It was in the fall of 2011. I stayed late hours to help a student in an Electric Circuit lab figure out why the student he/she was not getting the right results. After long hours of troubleshooting and thorough brainstorming, we realized that the problem stemmed from an improper calibration of the Oscilloscope devise. We were able to re-calibrate the Oscilloscope device, run the experiment, and generate consistent results. This is was the height of self-satisfaction (yeah, no. Again, sort of creepy you really shouldn't use "self satisfaction" ever. For any reason. Ever) As a graduate student I hope to continue in this fashion to do what I have always loved doing—teaching.

 

My experience as a research and teachers assistant  helped me develop skills  vital to being a successful graduate student— team work, strong interpersonal and communication skill. These will enable me excel in graduate school.

 

My deepest fervor (noooooo! find another word!) for engineering was ignited when I took Heat transfer class. I quickly developed an interest in the area of Heat transfer and Thermal Sciences. To further appreciate and understand the practical importance of Heat transfer and Thermal science field, I secured an internship in the heat transfer company, Tranter. This company specializes in manufacturing heat exchangers. I have continued to work closely with the design engineers in my company to grasp and fully appreciate the practical applications of Heat transfer and Thermal Science. My unquenchable thirst in this field has brought a strong conviction to me that an undergraduate program in Mechanical Engineering will not satisfy my inquisitive nature in this field; therefore, my drive and motivation for a graduate degree.

 

My ultimate goal is to obtain a PhD degree and work as a  researcher. In addition, my deep love toward  (Passion for teaching?) helping students succeed has to be fulfilled. Therefore, I will want to contribute the knowledge gained from obtaining a graduate degree from you prestigious school towards helping students understand the fundamental principle of Thermal and Fluid sciences through academic services.

 

The Heat transfer, Energy and Thermal Science area of the Mechanical Engineering Program at Virginia Tech looms large in my mind is a fit for me, largely because of its outstanding faculty and dynamic approach toward this research area. I have keen interest in working with Professor Srinath V. Ekkad and Professor Wing Ng especially after visiting both of their labs during the College of Engineering fall graduate recruiting event I attended. I had a rare opportunity to see firsthand research that is been carried out in heat transfer study of Turbine blade in a Transonic Cascade. I also visited Professor Srinath V. Ekkad's research lab where advance heat transfer research is been carried out in Power Electronic and Heat Exchangers. After this wonderful experience, I had no doubt that Virginia Tech was the graduate Engineering Program most suited for my academic and career goals. I had the opportunity to tour both the campus and the city of Blacksburg. The environment was ideal for me. The beautiful mountain scenery was just heart worming (heart warming?), the perfect environment for a young and vibrant researcher like me. If given the opportunity to pursue a Master’s of Science in Mechanical Engineering at Virginia Tech, my passion, Inquisitiveness, team work, ethics, interpersonal skill, and strong communication skill will make me an ideal, willing, promising, and invaluable candidate for your program.

That's my initial feedback.

[t1racyjacks]

I'm in english but at first glance your SOP is missing something important: exactly why your field needs you -- how you are going to contribute to it. That is paramount -- phrasing can be changed later