anybody have kids? spouses working on ph.d.s?

[Theo-Be]

i really want to do a ph.d. i'm freaking out about thinking of moving my kids and my spouse who is still working on his dissertation across the country (that is, if i get in to one of my programs)...anyone have tips?  know people who've been successful?  prayers?

[The Pierre Menard]

I just moved a family of four across the country for a PhD program. Feel free to PM me, if you have specific questions.

[Body Politics]

We don't have kids yet, though we are cautiously planning to at some point during a doctoral program (should I be accepted).

[intersectional]

Moving one's spouse for grad school can take a significant toll on the relationship.

Two of my close friends faced this decision. The wife gave up her master's study to follow her husband, and their relationship never recovered from the resulting tension: the wife felt wronged and as though her education didn't matter, and the husband didn't think his partner was successful enough for him once he had a PhD and her top degree was a BA.

On the other hand, I know other couples who suffered because one partner sacrificed post-graduate opportunities for the other partner. Two of my friends both compromised on their graduate school choices so that they could stay in the same city together (also, they wanted to stay in a state that recognizes their marriage). Now both are bitter that they didn't do the best for their careers.

It's also important to remember that careers can be more enduring than relationships: my Godmother chose the PhD program where her fiancé taught, although she was offered much better places, then they broke up a few months later.

[Guest]

I don't yet have kids, but I did want to offer a word of encouragement.

 

The basic thing you need to have, as you well know, is your spouse's willingness to make a move like this. If he is fine with it, then I don't see the problem. You will, of course, have to go through the difficulty of moving, finding a place to live, and getting a new job, but if you have your spouse's support you have everything. If he is hesitant, is it so bad to wait a year while he finishes his dissertation? I don't know your situation or how close he is to being done, but it might be a question worth asking. 

 

I know plenty of people here who have been successful in moving a family across the country. I know one family where the wife is a current ThD student and the husband is a PhD student at another school. They both live here, and he recently finished his dissertation long-distance. So it can happen and work very well!

 

Bottom line: don't freak out, just talk it out with your spouse to make sure it is something the whole family is ready for! It sounds like you are very passionate about the next step in your education, but let it be something that will be a blessing to you and your family (I'm sure it WILL be)! Family first. I'll be praying for you!

Edited January 22, 2013 by Windfish

[Theo-Be]

thank you everyone.  my husband and i met doing our master's.  he is supportive of me in that he'd rather bartend if it means i'd be happy but i am supportive of him in that i want him to be able to teach full-time.  i am definately more ready for a change than him, but i am praying that we will both be okay no matter the outcome.  also praying our kids will be resilient and happy as long as they are with mom and dad wherever that may be!

[Body Politics]

and the husband didn't think his partner was successful enough for him once he had a PhD and her top degree was a BA.

 

Y'know, I don't know these people, and I know nothing of the relationship, but that guy seems like a real asswipe. Academic elitism makes me sick.

[Seatbelt Blue]

My fiancee and I will be marrying right around the time I start graduate school, and depending on where I get in, we'll be moving out of state at the same time. We're both really harried over the financial stresses of all of this, but I'm not especially worried about it taking a huge toll on our relationship. But then, my out of state school is still close enough to NYC that she can get to her auditions, and we've got an agreement that, after my masters, we'll start focusing on *her* career for a while before I pursue any further degrees.

[Theophilos]

Just moved my family (wife and 8-month old) 2,700 miles to do a Masters.  If I get into a PhD program, it'll mean another move in a couple years.  While I can't offer advice as someone who's been through it, I can offer the perspective as someone who's in it.  It's crazy stressful, but so long as you keep the main thing the main thing, i.e., family first, and have a supportive spouse/family, it's very doable. 

 

Just shot up a quick prayer for you. Blessings.

[Theo-Be]

Just moved my family (wife and 8-month old) 2,700 miles to do a Masters.  If I get into a PhD program, it'll mean another move in a couple years.  While I can't offer advice as someone who's been through it, I can offer the perspective as someone who's in it.  It's crazy stressful, but so long as you keep the main thing the main thing, i.e., family first, and have a supportive spouse/family, it's very doable. 

 

Just shot up a quick prayer for you. Blessings.

Thank you theo.phil.us!  I am praying for my vocation.  I'm the mom, we have two boys under five, and my husband is a fellow theologian.  Academia is an interesting profession particularly religion scholars and theologians.  I appreciate the kindnesses mentioned on here.