Can't Shorten my SOP-Help!

[sauvik.bhattacharya90]

Hi everyone, I'm applying for MS in Computer Science to a number of universities in Europe (specifically Sweden & Germany) for their Winter Sem 2013. I'm done with my GRE (TOEFL's still left tho) and I'm finding it REALLY hard to make my SOP concise. It's running into more than 2 pgs (!!) and I'm seriously stumped on how to make it shorter! Will be grateful for any kind of help.

SOP:
 

 

 

Success is a moving target. You just need to match your pace with it.

This quotation comes from a combination of lessons I learnt from my parents. My father taught me never to become complacent with one’s position in life, to constantly strive for newer heights and higher knowledge. He taught me that success is not a destination, it’s a journey. My mother taught me that struggle builds character – nothing in life worth acquiring can be acquired easily. The years I

spent with my family taught me the preciousness of success, the importance of hard work and most of all, instilled in me a desire to constantly strive for perfection. Some people look upon perfectionism as something negative, but I don’t. I believe that when we set out to do something, making an unenthusiastic or half-hearted affair of it is worse than not trying at all. Inspiration was not hard to find

in my family, as I had witnessed the talents of my brother, who is a computer engineer, from a very early age. My earliest memories of deciding what I wanted to do with my life always seem to be associated with his room and the memory of him working on his computer. He was almost never idle and fascinated me once by showing me an animation he had designed himself. The experience of

watching that elaborate kaleidoscope through the enthralled eyes of a child was probably what planted in my mind, the idea of following in his footsteps. Looking back on my childhood, the years I spent in his company played a major role in helping me to decide which course my life would take, and so my love for Engineering took birth.

 

Growing up in a disciplined environment had its effects, and from childhood I have been attentive about my education. Having always performed strongly in school and ranking among the top 5 students in both the 10th and 12th Standards, I was advised by my teachers, who were impressed with my consistency, to enter a field in Engineering that interested me and would hence accelerate my

performance. Since establishing a career in Engineering had already been my goal, I didn't have to think too hard before choosing an undergraduate course in Computer Science & Engineering for my Bachelor of Technology in St. Thomas’ College of Engineering & Technology, Kolkata, under the West Bengal University of Technology, having developed a love for JAVA, C & BASIC during my

computer courses at school and always having thought of myself as a tech-savvy person. Although the complete syllabus of my undergraduate discipline was extensive, I discovered in myself a natural zeal for it a short way into the course, as a result of which I progressed through it with confidence. This was soon established by my scores in each and every one of the semester examinations, where I got a GPA higher than 8.5 (on a scale of 10.0) every time and maintained a position among the top 2% of my batch.  Discovering a latent predilection towards the topics, gaining quite a few insights about myself in the process, and getting thoroughly attuned to the social environment at college, my undergraduate course in Computer Science & Engineering was something I genuinely enjoyed. In my second year I found myself gravitating towards the field of theoretical Computer Science, having discovered an aptitude in courses like Data Structure & Algorithms and Formal Language & Automata Theory. Creating a state table and diagram for a Finite Automaton, or designing a better algorithm for creating a Linked List in the Data Structures Lab seemed almost as exciting as playing my guitar. In the last two years of my undergraduate life, I discovered my attraction for the courses of Operating Systems, Design & Analysis of Algorithms and Advanced Operating Systems, and suddenly found myself contemplating a research career in one of these fields.

 

During my years as a senior in college, I found that my performance in courses like Operating Systems, Design & Analysis of Algorithms, Object Technology and Distributed Operating Systems, under the Advanced Operating Systems course, was improving with considerably little effort on my part, making me consider that perhaps I was getting genuinely attracted to them. The concepts and algorithms taught in class always seemed to remain in the back of my mind and I felt a natural affinity for them; I was even castigated by my mother one night for spending some extra time on them that I had reserved for other subjects. These moments, and a few similar others, made me decide that given a chance, I would continue to be involved with these courses, and would try to spend the remainder of my professional life in the field of Computer Science.

 

Focusing on my interest for and aptitude in courses like Distributed Operating Systems and Analysis of Algorithms, I have decided to opt for a Master of Science degree instead of entering the professional job market right after college, believing that this will open up avenues for pursuing my ultimate goal – a research career in Distributed Systems & Computing and development of algorithms

for Distributed Operating Systems. I believe that there is huge potential for development and research in the field of distributed systems, in areas like Cloud Computing, Grid Computing and Distributed Web services, to name but a few. My interest in Distributed Systems was further stoked by a seminar on Cloud Computing that I gave, and the research I did while preparing for it. Although my

undergraduate courses have exposed me to the foundations and basics of operating systems, distributed systems and algorithms, I believe that the emphasis of post-graduate study in a specialized area is an ideal way of making a student capable of reaching the frontiers of knowledge in a subfield, and keeping him abreast of the latest developments in his field of interest. With my exceptionally strong and consistent academic record, and enthusiastic zeal for research, a Master’s degree in Computer Science as the major field, in a reputed university like the Universität Paderborn, is the logical next step for me. I strongly believe that it will give me the required impetus and expertise to progress on to a doctoral course, ultimately resulting in a strong foundation for my career in research.

 

I can confidently say that my aptitude in research is aptly demonstrated by my performance in my final year project – “Analysis of Side Channel Attacks on Various Cryptographic Algorithms”. As I already had considerable interest in this topic, enthusiasm for working and researching about the project came naturally to me, not only in my final year, but also in my third year when I used to meet

my project mentor almost daily for discussions on project strategies. The high point came when, in order to accomplish my assigned objective in the project, I devised an algorithm for generating a Prime Field in Elliptic Curve Cryptography, adding members to it, verifying the satisfaction of membership properties for each member and finally, generating a vector point from that Field for use

in cryptographic algorithms. The successful implementation of this algorithm contributed a lot to the overall success of our project, and I am proud to say that the Project Review Committee of our college was thoroughly impressed by my zeal, knowledge of the various project sections and my performance. I was also attached with the preliminary stages of a project on “Object Tracking

Through Image Processing” in my 3rd semester, and have hopes of performing further work on this in the future.

 

Apart from academics, I have always maintained a healthy interest in extra-curricular activities. Music was something I have always loved, following in my parents’ steps. I found a way of expressing this love when I learnt to play the guitar and got interested in fingerstyle music, also organizing and participating in a large number of music festivals at college almost every year. Under the influence of one of my friends, I also became interested in photography in my second year at college, finding the area of abstract photography extremely appealing, in which a skilled photographer can create profound, surreal feelings in a viewer by showing an everyday, simple object in an unexpected light. Apart from these activities, I have often participated in organizing blood donation and eye examination camps for underprivileged people in our neighborhood, as I believe that we who are in a position of comfort in society should at least attempt to help those not fortunate enough to enjoy the same benefits as us.

 

While deciding where to pursue a Master of Science degree, Germany was a natural choice for me. The reasons are obvious – unparalleled standards of education compared to anywhere else in the world, a well-developed work culture, an exceptionally strong industry and economy, the fact that this is the only nation where higher education is considered a public welfare and most importantly, the value this nation places on education, vocational training and research. Germany is a hub of new innovations and high-end technologies; also, its universities have immense heritage and do not produce a jack of all trades but a master in the specific area of interest of the student. My interest in Germany also prompted me to participate in a Deutsch A1 Level Language course at the Goethe Institut, Kolkata, which I shall be completing in April 2013.

 

(Reasons for choosing the University-para)

 

In such a prestigious university, enriched with eminent faculty members, a state of the art library and facilities, and enviable infrastructure, I am confident that my knowledge and skills will flourish and I will achieve my career goals with distinction, hopefully someday enthralling my own audience with my experiments, while making a lasting contribution to the academic objectives of the University. I thank you for considering my candidature and giving me an opportunity to express myself.

 

[iowaguy]

You could delete your entire 1st paragraph for starters...

[selecttext]

There is a page of text leading up to the paragraph that begins with "focusing on..." that conveys absolutely nothing about your research interests and goals. It is a statement of purpose, not a biography. Your SOP can easily be shortened. Please look at some examples of SUCCESSFUL SOPs online (e.g., http://alumnus.caltech.edu/~natalia/studyinus/guide/statement/samples.htm). Cut out all of the anecdotes! 

[sauvik.bhattacharya90]

You could delete your entire 1st paragraph for starters...

I was having trouble coming up with a general intro for the SOP,so i thought of starting with how i decided to get into engineering. I'll have to come up with a completely new intro if i delete this. Any suggestions for a decent intro para?

[sauvik.bhattacharya90]

There is a page of text leading up to the paragraph that begins with "focusing on..." that conveys absolutely nothing about your research interests and goals. It is a statement of purpose, not a biography. Your SOP can easily be shortened. Please look at some examples of SUCCESSFUL SOPs online (e.g., http://alumnus.caltech.edu/~natalia/studyinus/guide/statement/samples.htm). Cut out all of the anecdotes! 

Don't I need to explain which subjects in my undergrad made me want to get into this specific area for my MS and how?

[selecttext]

Don't I need to explain which subjects in my undergrad made me want to get into this specific area for my MS and how?

 

No, you need to write what interests you about the field and what you hope to accomplish. Your courses have piqued a particular interest that is obfuscated by their enumeration. The reader should not have to disentangle your interests from your long 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. You should be much more specific and to the point. Just imagine you had a stack of these to read. would you prefer to read long and complicated or concise and clear letters?

[ridofme]

I agree with deleting the entire first paragraph, along with the paragraph about music/blood donation (unless the prompt particularly asks about your interests outside the field).

 

I also think it would benefit you to consider the upside-down triangle/inverted pyramid style of writing to reorganize this essay. You are moving chronologically through your resume, essentially, and so it takes a while to get to the point: why you want to apply for this program in the present. In the first paragraph, you need to introduce yourself and explain your reasoning for pursuing this degree, e.g. "I am applying for {DEGREE} because of a longstanding interest in {FIELD/RESEARCH QUESTION/WORK YOU DID, ETC.}..."  You need to explain what you want to do with this MS (go on to a PhD) way earlier, instead of burying it in some middle paragraph. You can discuss your background after that.

 

Finally, I would remove some of the highfalutin language - "latent predilection", "required impetus", "enthusiastic zeal", etc. These kinds of descriptions feel very forced if not used precisely. I'm not sure how much you're looking to cut, but I think you could cut out a lot of your descriptors in general - clean up the language a bit.

[margarets]

There is a page of text leading up to the paragraph that begins with "focusing on..." that conveys absolutely nothing about your research interests and goals. It is a statement of purpose, not a biography. Your SOP can easily be shortened. Please look at some examples of SUCCESSFUL SOPs online (e.g., http://alumnus.caltech.edu/~natalia/studyinus/guide/statement/samples.htm). Cut out all of the anecdotes! 

 

I've looked at that page and always wondered: What proof is there that these are actual successful SoPs?  How did she get all these SoPs?

 

That page hasn't been updated since 2004.  I haven't read all the statements but the ones I did read had lots of cliches and Dr. Suess-type anecdotes.  I'm a bit suss on it.

[selecttext]

I've looked at that page and always wondered: What proof is there that these are actual successful SoPs?  How did she get all these SoPs?

 

That page hasn't been updated since 2004.  I haven't read all the statements but the ones I did read had lots of cliches and Dr. Suess-type anecdotes.  I'm a bit suss on it.

 

I agree that they are not written at the level of a native english speaker but I have no reason to believe that this person has posted misleading information. in general, they are much better than many of the first drafts posted here.

[uromastyx]

Please don't take offense to my comments here. This SOP needs a lot of work, so I won't sugar coat it. Here are (a few of) my honest criticisms:

 

That huge, first paragraph should go. It is dangerously cliche and, more importantly, takes up way too much space.

 

The paragraph on hobbies needs to go as well. It is another cliched forcing of character. Plus entirely irrelevant.

 

"... a tech-savvy person." Is this really the avenue you want to take in convincing an adcomm of your potential for successful graduate study? Watch out for these types of claims that, at the very best, appear empty, and at worst, naive.

 

There is a polarized sense of language here, where the pretentious clashes with usages of "I got a GPA.." and "...my batch." Find a nice middle ground of style and diction that isn't so jarring.

 

"During my years as a senior in college..." Years? Plural? NO. I'm not sure if this is a typo or you were a 'super senior.' Regardless, don't say this. Also, I would say "first year" or "second year" or "final two years" and not the college jargon (Junior, Senior).

 

This statement as a whole is little more than a wordy (!) description of your CV/transcript in prose. Why list out you courses in this manner? It reads somewhat like this: "I liked course A. I was the best student ever in course B. Then I took course C, which I liked as well." What are the nuances in your relationship to computer science? How has your coursework (as a whole) contributed to your interest(s with)in the field?

 

"The concepts and algorithms taught in class always seemed to remain in the back of my mind and I felt a natural affinity for them; I was even castigated by my mother one night for spending some extra time on them that I had reserved for other subjects. These moments, and a few similar others, made me decide that given a chance, I would continue to be involved with these courses, and would try to spend the remainder of my professional life in the field of Computer Science."

I don't mean to be rude here, but I'm LOLing at parts of this statement. Which means adcomms will as well. Again, spare us the dramatics.

 

"I can confidently say that my aptitude in research is aptly demonstrated by my performance in my final year project." Sentences like this 1)may come across as arrogant, 2) don't actually say anything and 3) aren't supported. Also, in one sentence you've written both "aptitude" and "aptly." This sentence is one of many that is boastful and unnecessary, not to mention employs the passive voice in prime opportunities for the active.

Your statement should paint your portrait. it should show, not tell.

 

You absolutely must have faculty read multiple drafts of your SOP. It requires a very nuanced approach.

In beginning, I would outline your relationship to the field. Delimit your interests and intent. IF you can find a GOOD hook then use it.

Adcomms don't want a three page statement that lists your transcript, while peppering paragraphs with how much you liked the classes, and how awesome you were.

*In my best police officer voice*: Step away from the thesaurus! Your diction seems silly at times. Strive for eloquence.

Your second to last paragraph finally gets to the heart of the matter; your interest in their program. Does your current statement mirror your description of their program? (To be clear, this part of the SOP should remain where it is, before the conclusion.)

 

Just keep at it. Revise, revise, revise. Have people continue to read it. Your own understanding will become more clear as you hash it out.

Best of luck.

Edited February 7, 2013 by uromastyx

[TakeruK]

I was having trouble coming up with a general intro for the SOP,so i thought of starting with how i decided to get into engineering. I'll have to come up with a completely new intro if i delete this. Any suggestions for a decent intro para?

 

I agree with ridofme above and would say to just jump right into it for your introduction. If I was going to do my SOP over again, my first sentence would be what ridofme suggested.

 

Don't I need to explain which subjects in my undergrad made me want to get into this specific area for my MS and how?

 

No -- the first few paragraphs sound like you are just telling people about all of your courses. That's what your transcript is for. For discussing your academic background, I would keep it to a short paragraph stating your major and what school you attended for undergrad. I would maybe mention one or two important courses that you want to highlight (e.g. maybe you did really well in a grad level course in your exact topic or you took a special course that was offered by a prof who is a leading researcher in your field). 

 

After this, you should talk about your research experiences. Condensing all of that intro-y stuff and course information into 1 or 2 concise paragraphs should save you enough space.

 

Finally, I also want to echo the thoughts of uromastyx above and say you should avoid jargon (e.g. "10th standard", "senior year") and instead just use descriptive words (e.g. "my final year" or "4th year"). I think the freshman/sophomore/junior/senior thing might be something mostly used in the US (we don't use these phrases in Canada, despite having a lot of cultural similarities!).

[sauvik.bhattacharya90]

Please don't take offense to my comments here. This SOP needs a lot of work, so I won't sugar coat it. Here are (a few of) my honest criticisms:

 

That huge, first paragraph should go. It is dangerously cliche and, more importantly, takes up way too much space.

 

The paragraph on hobbies needs to go as well. It is another cliched forcing of character. Plus entirely irrelevant.

 

"... a tech-savvy person." Is this really the avenue you want to take in convincing an adcomm of your potential for successful graduate study? Watch out for these types of claims that, at the very best, appear empty, and at worst, naive.

 

There is a polarized sense of language here, where the pretentious clashes with usages of "I got a GPA.." and "...my batch." Find a nice middle ground of style and diction that isn't so jarring.

 

"During my years as a senior in college..." Years? Plural? NO. I'm not sure if this is a typo or you were a 'super senior.' Regardless, don't say this. Also, I would say "first year" or "second year" or "final two years" and not the college jargon (Junior, Senior).

 

This statement as a whole is little more than a wordy (!) description of your CV/transcript in prose. Why list out you courses in this manner? It reads somewhat like this: "I liked course A. I was the best student ever in course B. Then I took course C, which I liked as well." What are the nuances in your relationship to computer science? How has your coursework (as a whole) contributed to your interest(s with)in the field?

 

"The concepts and algorithms taught in class always seemed to remain in the back of my mind and I felt a natural affinity for them; I was even castigated by my mother one night for spending some extra time on them that I had reserved for other subjects. These moments, and a few similar others, made me decide that given a chance, I would continue to be involved with these courses, and would try to spend the remainder of my professional life in the field of Computer Science."

I don't mean to be rude here, but I'm LOLing at parts of this statement. Which means adcomms will as well. Again, spare us the dramatics.

 

"I can confidently say that my aptitude in research is aptly demonstrated by my performance in my final year project." Sentences like this 1)may come across as arrogant, 2) don't actually say anything and 3) aren't supported. Also, in one sentence you've written both "aptitude" and "aptly." This sentence is one of many that is boastful and unnecessary, not to mention employs the passive voice in prime opportunities for the active.

Your statement should paint your portrait. it should show, not tell.

 

You absolutely must have faculty read multiple drafts of your SOP. It requires a very nuanced approach.

In beginning, I would outline your relationship to the field. Delimit your interests and intent. IF you can find a GOOD hook then use it.

Adcomms don't want a three page statement that lists your transcript, while peppering paragraphs with how much you liked the classes, and how awesome you were.

*In my best police officer voice*: Step away from the thesaurus! Your diction seems silly at times. Strive for eloquence.

Your second to last paragraph finally gets to the heart of the matter; your interest in their program. Does your current statement mirror your description of their program? (To be clear, this part of the SOP should remain where it is, before the conclusion.)

 

Just keep at it. Revise, revise, revise. Have people continue to read it. Your own understanding will become more clear as you hash it out.

Best of luck.

Thanks a lot. Your post was by far the best advice I've received till date.

I'll be posting a rough 2nd draft here shortly. Mind going through it?

 

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to come up with a decent intro para to replace the current one. All the hooks going through my head are sounding stupid or cliched.

I'd really like more suggestions,and don't worry about hard feelings & stuff. I've got bigger things to worry about right now.

[fuzzylogician]

Oh please replace the current opening paragraph. You don't need a hook or story. A much better approach is straight and to the point, as was suggested by several posters above, e.g. "I am applying to school X to study degree Y. My main interests are Z and W." You need to lead with your main interests, pick and choose the parts of your background that are relevant to these interests instead of reporting your transcript in prose form, and spend much more time talking about your current and future plans. Get rid of paragraphs 2 and 6, and the other paragraphs need a lot of work, as was also pointed out.

[aldero]

I just wanted to confirm what the others already said. Eliminate all kind of personal things, unless they are *really* relevant. Specially in Germany you should go *straight* to the point. I really mean it. Focus on your career as much as you can. If at the end you have a one-page statement with the real important things, it will be much better than a 10 pages statement with irrelevant content.

 

btw. Germans unis are not very familiar with the SOP style of the U.S.A. I would think about it as a cover letter with an extended presentation of your self. 

[sauvik.bhattacharya90]

I just wanted to confirm what the others already said. Eliminate all kind of personal things, unless they are *really* relevant. Specially in Germany you should go *straight* to the point. I really mean it. Focus on your career as much as you can. If at the end you have a one-page statement with the real important things, it will be much better than a 10 pages statement with irrelevant content.

 

btw. Germans unis are not very familiar with the SOP style of the U.S.A. I would think about it as a cover letter with an extended presentation of your self. 

Thanks for the advice Aldero. If you dont mind me asking,are u applying to any German universities in 2013? & what's your field?

[driver 8]

Didn't want to start a thread for this, so I'll ask it in here quickly: if the application says "approximately 500 words," is 600 words acceptable? I know going over that would be a mistake, but I'm not sure if I should go shorter than that?

[selecttext]

the app might not even let you submit more than 500 words. if it does, you would be making a terrible mistake by submitting more than the required length. you will run into these length requirements throughout your academic career when publishing or submitting to conferences and exceeding the word limit is unprofessional.

[ridofme]

Assuming that you can indeed submit more than 500 words, 600 is still way too high, in my opinion. The rule I used was 10% max on each side. In this case you would have 450-550 words to work with.

[sauvik.bhattacharya90]

Assuming that you can indeed submit more than 500 words, 600 is still way too high, in my opinion. The rule I used was 10% max on each side. In this case you would have 450-550 words to work with.

How do you make an SOP that short? I'm facing the same problem with one of my universities,and the minimum I've managed to bring my SOP down to is 770 words. I edited it by organizing it in the following manner:

 

<Direct intro,which course,which university,goal of MS> Moderate para

<Undergrad courses of interest> Short para

<Research aptitude,projects> Moderately long

<Extracurriculars & social involvement> Short para,I had to include this cos the university is specifically asking for it

<Why this university> Long para

 

I need to make it shorter,preferably bringing it down to half of its current size. Any suggestions?

[selecttext]

post it here.