SOP review? If not, help with the wording in one sentence?

[Mtorey]

Hey everyone,

 

I was wondering if you'd like to share your thoughts on my SOP. If you don't have time for that, it'd be awesome to get some help with the wording of one sentence in particular (underlined in the 2nd paragraph). I've condensed its content down to be as succinct as possible, but while it's grammatically correct, it just seems a little lengthy. I've been staring at and thinking about it for way too long now, so I can't tell if that's a bad thing or not. I could really use an outside opinion as well as any suggestions for a revision. Thanks so much in advance. 

 

Prompts: Type a Statement of Goals (no other guidelines were given like a word limit, format, etc. I decided to focus on my future interests since they call it an SOG instead of an SOP as well as stick to the typical 1-2 page length):

 

 

                 In the future, I plan to obtain a PhD in psychology in order to pursue an academic career investigating time perception working as either a professor or in a pure research setting. I hope to address what I consider to be several key questions such as: What is the relationship between phenomenological experience, attention, memory, and time perception? How can neurotransmitters, specifically serotonin and dopamine, affect the way in which we perceive time? Do factors that influence processes such as sensory perception or memory (e.g. the fight-or-flight response, psychotropic drugs, brain abnormalities, mental illness, etc.) also have an effect on time perception? How does the brain keep track of time in the absence of external sensory stimulation such as while we are sleeping? I consider these questions to be especially important because their answers will help us determine the extent to which time perception is a distinct process, independent of other modes of cognition, giving us a more comprehensive understanding of the phenomena as it stands in and of itself as well as in relation to other systems.

 

                 There are several reasons why I would like to attend Made-Up State University before moving on to pursue a doctorate. By now it may be obvious that a major driving force behind my decision to apply is my desire to work with Dr. Pepper whose research on time perception has had a significant impact on my thinking. Several of his publications touch on some of the key questions I listed above. In fact, I first began considering MUSU as a prospect for my graduate studies after reading a paper Dr. Pepper co-authored outlining the striking similarities between timing and working memory systems in the brain. Furthermore, considering that I plan to integrate concepts from several different disciplines into my future research, I believe that both volunteering in your visual perception and cognitive neuroscience labs as well as enrolling in several specific courses you provide, such as Perception and Psychopharmacology, will help me broaden my skillset and achieve a stronger, more specialized grasp of the fields I plan to incorporate. Therefore, I believe MUSU will help me both deepen my understanding of various areas in psychology and gain experience in the specific field I plan to pursue in the future.

 

                 At (my undergraduate university), I have had the opportunity to gain a great deal of research experience, which has firmly solidified my passion for psychological research. For six months, I worked under Dr. Strangelove assisting a PhD candidate with the literature review for her dissertation, which examined gene-environment interactions in the etiology of schizophrenia. This required an extensive amount of independent work, and in addition to familiarizing me with the literature, it also helped me learn to analyze and link large amounts of information from a wide variety of sources. Furthermore, since August of 2012 I have been working under Dr. Ya Who in the Visual Cognition Lab at MUU. This has been a fantastic learning experience for me as I have been able to get both a taste of what life in a lab would be like and also a significant amount of hands-on experience in a research setting. Most importantly, I have learned the value of utilizing creativity in order to develop and test theoretical concepts, and during my tenure in the lab, I have been able use this in order to create and design an eye tracking experiment of my own, which relates to time perception and examines the way the brain extracts information from both time and space in order to optimize behavior.  Dr. Who has been kind enough take me on as a volunteer research assistant while I carry out the study, and I hope to publish the findings soon.

 

                 In conclusion, I believe that I would thrive at MUSU. I am extremely motivated and eager to get to work. I have already begun to develop a focused set of interests, and I believe that admittance to your program would help me tremendously in advancing them even further. 

[ridofme]

I think the conent is great, I would just recommend tightening up some of the wording. The last paragraph is kind of boring and redundant. Here are my suggestions:

 

In the future, I plan to obtain a PhD in psychology in order to pursue an academic career investigating time perception, working as either a professor or in a pure research setting. I hope to address what I consider to be several key questions, including such as: What is the relationship between phenomenological experience, attention, memory, and time perception? How can neurotransmitters, specifically serotonin and dopamine, affect the way in which we perceive time? Do factors that influence processes such as sensory perception or memory (e.g. the fight-or-flight response, psychotropic drugs, brain abnormalities, mental illness, etc.) also have an effect on time perception? How does the brain keep track of time in the absence of external sensory stimulation such as while we are sleeping? I consider these questions to be especially important because their answers Answering these crucial questions will help us determine the extent to which time perception is a distinct process, independent of other modes of cognition, giving us a more comprehensive understanding of the phenomena as it stands in and of itself as well as in relation to other systems.

 

There are several reasons why I would like to attend Made-Up State University before moving on to pursue a doctorate. By now it may be obvious that a A major driving force behind my decision to apply to Made Up State is my desire to work with Dr. Pepper, whose research on time perception has had a significantly impacted on my thinking. Several of his publications, including "Really Important Paper" and "Groundbreaking Work", touch on some of the key questions I listed above. In fact, I first began considering MUSU as a prospect for my graduate studies after reading a paper Dr. Pepper co-authored outlining the striking similarities between timing and working memory systems in the brain. Furthermore, considering that I plan to integrate concepts from several different disciplines into my future research, I believe that both volunteering in your  at MUSU's visual perception and cognitive neuroscience labs as well as  while simultaenously enrolling in several specific courses you provide, such as like Perception and Psychopharmacology, will help me broaden my skillset and achieve a stronger, more specialized grasp of the fields I plan to incorporate several different disciplines I hope to integrate into my future research. Therefore, I believe MUSU will help me both deepen my understanding of various areas in psychology and gain experience in the specific field I plan to pursue in the future.

 

At (my undergraduate university), I have had the opportunity to gain a great deal of research experience, which has firmly solidified my passion for psychological research. For six months, I worked under Dr. Strangelove assisting a PhD candidate with the literature review for her dissertation, which examined gene-environment interactions in the etiology of schizophrenia. This required an extensive amount of independent work., and In addition to familiarizing me with the literature, it also helped me learn to analyze and link large amounts of information from a wide variety of sources. Furthermore, since August of 2012 I have been working under Dr. Ya Who in the Visual Cognition Lab at MUU. This has been a fantastic learning experience for me as I have been able to get both a taste of what life in a lab would be like and also gain a significant amount of hands-on experience in a research setting. Most importantly, I have learned the value of utilizing creativity in order to develop and test theoretical concepts, and during my tenure in the lab, which I have been able use this in order to create and design an eye tracking experiment of my own, which This independent experiment relates to time perception and examines the way the brain extracts information from both time and space in order to optimize behavior. Dr. Who has been kind enough take me on as a volunteer research assistant while I carry out the study, and I hope to publish the findings soon.

 

In conclusion, I believe that I would thrive at MUSU. I am extremely motivated and eager to get to work. I have already begun to develop a focused set of interests, and I believe that admittance to your program would help me tremendously in advancing them even further.

[Angua]

I agree with all of ridofme's great suggestions.  I'd also suggest flipping the last paragraph around, so that it starts with what you learned and how you've applied it.