Need Advice! Please Help!

[Sarahmarie]

I will try to cut to the chase but my story is a little involved so bear with me.

 

I am an older student (32) and when I began searching for master's programs I had nothing hindering me from following my dream wherever it took me. As my application year continued, my father was diagnosed with cancer. At the last minute I applied to an in state school "just in case." I was accepted to my dream school, and several other out of state schools, but I chose to attend the in-state school because of my father's declining health. However, I still had to move 250 miles away for the program, uprooting my life as well as my significant other's. My father declined very quickly and passed away a month after classes started last semester. Two weeks later, my brother and his wife lost custody of their 2 children (a newborn and 3 year old). I was the only family member willing and able to take custody and I couldn't fathom allowing them to go into foster care. So I took them in. My mother moved in with us "to help" but she actually does very little to help care for the boys other than contribute financially. I am really for the most part the sole caretaker of these two boys.

 

So I got through last semester admirably (Dean's list) but this semester I feel completely overwhelmed. I am really feeling the grief of losing my father and I didn't really have time to process it last term because of all the drama that followed. It is becoming more apparent that I will have these kids long term and my degree program is really designed for a full time commitment (13-17 hours per semester). I am tempted to take this semester off to regroup. But I don't know what to do afterwards. I have totally missed out on social bonding with my cohort and I feel like an outsider. They have been very nice and tried to include me but I just have no time. Any free time I get I use to sleep. I am not sure if I should go back in the summer or pursue my degree somewhere else where I can start over (I can transfer the credit I got last term) and find a program that will be better suited to my new "motherhood" status, maybe something part time or online. Wake Forest offers a very good online program and there are several others I have looked at. But the bottom line is I moved away from my hometown, dragging my boyfriend with me and while he is supportive of whatever I decide, I feel a huge amount of guilt for moving here for no reason. I know this is a unique situation but I will take any advice you can offer

[Dal PhDer]

I will try to cut to the chase but my story is a little involved so bear with me.

 

I am an older student (32) and when I began searching for master's programs I had nothing hindering me from following my dream wherever it took me. As my application year continued, my father was diagnosed with cancer. At the last minute I applied to an in state school "just in case." I was accepted to my dream school, and several other out of state schools, but I chose to attend the in-state school because of my father's declining health. However, I still had to move 250 miles away for the program, uprooting my life as well as my significant other's. My father declined very quickly and passed away a month after classes started last semester. Two weeks later, my brother and his wife lost custody of their 2 children (a newborn and 3 year old). I was the only family member willing and able to take custody and I couldn't fathom allowing them to go into foster care. So I took them in. My mother moved in with us "to help" but she actually does very little to help care for the boys other than contribute financially. I am really for the most part the sole caretaker of these two boys.

 

So I got through last semester admirably (Dean's list) but this semester I feel completely overwhelmed. I am really feeling the grief of losing my father and I didn't really have time to process it last term because of all the drama that followed. It is becoming more apparent that I will have these kids long term and my degree program is really designed for a full time commitment (13-17 hours per semester). I am tempted to take this semester off to regroup. But I don't know what to do afterwards. I have totally missed out on social bonding with my cohort and I feel like an outsider. They have been very nice and tried to include me but I just have no time. Any free time I get I use to sleep. I am not sure if I should go back in the summer or pursue my degree somewhere else where I can start over (I can transfer the credit I got last term) and find a program that will be better suited to my new "motherhood" status, maybe something part time or online. Wake Forest offers a very good online program and there are several others I have looked at. But the bottom line is I moved away from my hometown, dragging my boyfriend with me and while he is supportive of whatever I decide, I feel a huge amount of guilt for moving here for no reason. I know this is a unique situation but I will take any advice you can offer

 

Hi there,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like a really great sister, daughter, and auntie-mom! I can't imagine the weight of the stress that is on you right now.

 

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I understand the guilt you're experiencing with your bf and making him move...but it wasn't for nothing! It was for your dream! And it sounds like you're doing really well! So don't think it wasn't for nothing, because it was for something very important! Unfortunately, life has changed your circumstances a bit!

 

Secondly, I would REEEEEEEEEEEEEALLY recommend talking to (a) a counseller on campus - they can offer you suggestions on handling the situation you're in with the new motherhood, the grief from your father's passing, the stress balancing school, and offer you ways to help cope with that- because grad school is hard on it's own! ( talk to your department! I think there are several ways you can make the degree work. You could take a short leave for the semester to help sort your situation out- it's not uncommon. Then you could come back later...but I would also ask if it's possible for you to work on the minimum credits, even go part time. I know a lot of programs aren't like that, but there might be ways to still go fulltime but have a part-time workload (for example. independent studies are a great way to make course load fit to your schedule!)..

 

Lastly, I think for you it's really important to have time to connect with your peers AND your bf! You need some YOU time...and I know it's easier said than done...but are there support systems at your school that could help take the burden of caregiving off of you? Could you delegate a night a week for you? How about turning study dates with your peers into a social outing?

 

I hope things work out for you. I think it's important to realize that you have your own dreams and desires, and that sometimes you need to think about how you can achieve them. Family burden is hard, I experience it with my family, but sometimes you really have to say 'I need to do this for me'.

 

Goodluck! *hugs*