Demoralized, anxious, and undecided

[humankoko]

During my master's degree, I collaborated on a publication with a professor who since got a tenure track job at a different institution--the institution from which I received my sole acceptance this round. 

I know we would work together well, and we would have a close, collaborative advisor-mentee relationship. While he doesn't have the same alignment of interests as my other potential schools, I admire him as a scholar and he is totally supportive of my interests.

The school is in a small, conservative town in a part of the country I love, but the town itself is total shit. Less important, but worth considering, I would be leaving my partner behind, as he just began his dream job. Other students at this school seemed frustrated about funding...

Out of a total class of 10 students (new program), only 4 TA-ships were offered--one of which my adviser secured for me. He does not expect that I will receive funding for all 4-5 years (would be shorter there since they are very generous with awarding transfer credit). The DGS implied it was performance-based, but there's no guarantee--it's all year by year awards.

 

Since last fall, I have been attending interdisciplinary lab meetings at a "public Ivy," where I interviewed two years ago during my first round. During the interview, I lost my voice, felt like death, and found out later I had had meningitis. Additionally, I found the place somewhat cold, sterile, and populated by (at least outwardly) very obsequious graduate students. Weeks later, I received a mass rejection email from the PI I had applied to work with, which was sent to all rejects as a one-sentence missive. That entire experience soured/biased me against this place, until I came to be in this lab. 

 

Last week, a psychology faculty member said he would love to have me as a student if I applied next year, and offered for me to work with him on several ongoing projects in the meantime, or design a project together. He noted I would need to identify other faculty, since he is not 100% sure he will not retire within the next 6-7 years.  

 

I've gotten personal emails with rejections and backhanded compliments. This process has been so demoralizing, and I have no idea what to do. Defer acceptance for a year and work the angle with this professor in the meantime? Take the bird in the hand and apply again for 2014 to other schools in case I lose my funding? 

This is all complicated by the fact that my potential advisor at the school I've been accepted to is someone I have a relationship with, and whatever I do, I want to be forthright about. I feel as if my life is dangling at the end of a string, and while I know it sounds overwrought, I've never felt so hopeless or worthless. My self doubt is at the point where I have no compass--when people tell me to trust my gut, I cannot generate a confident decision about what's "right for me."

[CBrown]

Wow, that is a very difficult situation and I understand that you're in a really hard place. I think that talking to your partner and both professors about your options is a good idea, and also if you can get any opinions from other individuals about what living in the less enjoyable town but with a great advisor is like, because you'll be spending most of your time on research anyways so if it's a few years out of your life and is the only thing holding you back then that shouldn't be a huge issue. Funding and your partner are also things to consider, but the supervisor-supervisee fit and the program are the top two above all of these external factors.

 

Additionally, the faculty member you're speaking with at this 'public ivy' is expressing interest in working on projects with you which is good, but do you want to spend a year with an uncertainty? They may just want to work on projects with you and then once you apply the process is not entirely in their hands, the application process involves so many people and if you only like that particular lab and supervisor it may be problematic to put all your eggs in one basket in that case.

 

Also, can you defer your application for a year with the professor you already know? I'm not aware of that being a routine process except under extenuating circumstances. Good luck with everything! I know receiving rejections is very challenging, but people don't know you  from another piece of paper and one interview also isn't indicative of your entire student potential so don't let these random people get you down

 

Either way, you have two options to achieve goals, one seems a bit more certain than another but it's up to you to weigh the factors based on what you think you can handle for the next few years!

[humankoko]

Thank you for your input. I spoke to him today and he completely understands my concerns. When you do not receive funding from the department for your tuition waiver at this institution, you receive a stipend for working as an RA (only about $10k/year--but the cost of living in this town is very low), and must take out loans for tuition (about $7k/year) to remain enrolled in the program. I received a scholarship for undergraduate and TA/RA positions funded my master's degree, so I have been very lucky and am (perhaps unduly?) extremely against taking out student loans--particularly for a PhD program in social psychology.

 

Because I feel stagnant, my inclination is to take the opportunity I have with him. I've just been working myself up trying to prognosticate the future (funding issues, job market, etc), but there is inherent value in making a decision and committing to a course, at the same time. I can also appreciate that while things seem hopeless now, new opportunities are out there--like this professor at Duke, or perhaps other schools I have not yet considered. I'm trying to take the long view of things, and evaluate how my fear of another application season and "wasting" another year might be leading me toward a decision I might later regret. The competition is so intense that any acceptance can feel like the only chance you'll get. 

[CBrown]

I'm glad you spoke with him, I know taking out loans isn't that appealing but paying them off properly does help your credit rating! That sounds like good supplementary funding so that's one positive factor.

 

I understand that you feel like this may be your only chance and applying again is very stressful, but it is better to think long-term and not do anything in a rush or based on fear, you will make a good decision no matter what, good luck