Asking out a shy (maybe introverted) guy

[St Andrews Lynx]

 I'm trying to gauge whether there is mutual attraction or not. 

Well...there is this 1 really accurate way of finding out if someone wants to go out with you or not...

[wildviolet]

Well...there is this 1 really accurate way of finding out if someone wants to go out with you or not...

 

Yes, there is, and I'm not sure I'm ready to find out yet!

[i.am.me]

Sometimes, it is also just nice to have a crush on someone because it creates warm positive feelings. I am totally just basking in the warmth of this thread ---not even my crush in a currently non-existing relationship HAHAHA. There are one or two young men that I like "more than just a friend" but I'd rather not pursue becaue of commitment (lack of desire to do so). I am happy to see them happy.

 

Don't get me wrong though, if they asked me out, I'd jump on that opportunity. LOL

 

No pressure, violet.

[wildviolet]

iampheng--You and I would be great friends!

[BerenErchamion]

It sounds like you're way overthinking this. That is a totally standard reply to a variety of emails.

 

If a guy is into you, he will make the time to pursue you. You'd naturally friendzone him before having to guess whether or not he liked you.

 

If a guy is into you and he DOES NOT pursue you, then he's not the kind of guy worth dating. Why be with someone who doesn't make time for you?.

 

And lastly, it's possible he's "just not that into you."

 

DTB

 

This.

 

I'm pretty awkward myself, and letting down someone who's "into" me but whose "intoness" I don't reciprocate, is never something I've been good at and have tried to avoid.

 

It's possible that he's not picking up your interest.

 

It's possible that a romantic relationship is something that he sees as a distraction at this time.

 

It's possible that he's just not into you.

 

It's possible that he's already in a committed romantic relationship.

 

Hell, it's possible that he's gay--and he hasn't explained that to you either because (a) he hasn't picked up your interest per above, or ( it's not an LGBT-friendly town (sadly, they still exist, even in college towns) and he isn't comfortable being open for that or any number of other reasons (family, etc.).

 

I agree with the advice above to be forthright about your intentions.  Either he is into you and too shy to be open about it, and will be quite pleased you took the initiative; or he's not, and it'll all be over.

 

And if he's not, don't take it personally--I realize that's easier said than done, but as I and others have noted it's possible that it's for reasons that have nothing to do with you at all.

[wildviolet]

This.

 

I'm pretty awkward myself, and letting down someone who's "into" me but whose "intoness" I don't reciprocate, is never something I've been good at and have tried to avoid.

 

It's possible that he's not picking up your interest.

 

It's possible that a romantic relationship is something that he sees as a distraction at this time.

 

It's possible that he's just not into you.

 

It's possible that he's already in a committed romantic relationship.

 

Hell, it's possible that he's gay--and he hasn't explained that to you either because (a) he hasn't picked up your interest per above, or ( it's not an LGBT-friendly town (sadly, they still exist, even in college towns) and he isn't comfortable being open for that or any number of other reasons (family, etc.).

 

I agree with the advice above to be forthright about your intentions.  Either he is into you and too shy to be open about it, and will be quite pleased you took the initiative; or he's not, and it'll all be over.

 

And if he's not, don't take it personally--I realize that's easier said than done, but as I and others have noted it's possible that it's for reasons that have nothing to do with you at all.

 

Honestly, if it were that obvious that he was already taken, gay, or "just not that into me," then I would have no need to wonder about what his words and actions might mean. Thus, my post to reach out to the GC community, especially those who would consider themselves more introverted, shy, or socially awkward. I meet tons of guys (through social dancing, classes, and other venues that are not necessarily geared towards meeting potential dates) and, within the first few minutes, they usually signal in some way that they have a wife/girlfriend/fiancee ("my wife... " or "my fiancee..."). Most guys I meet who are gay are clearly gay so there's no need to wonder there.

 

My crush is most definitely a little socially awkward or introverted or something (not that there is such a thing as "normal," but he is extraordinary for sure). I don't know how my actions appear to him... but, to me, his actions are a bit of a mystery. He's not sending a clear signal that he doesn't want to interact with me, yet he's not taking the initiative, either.

 

For example, my friend (the only person who knows that I have a crush on him) asked him to meet with her to discuss something. She's married and wears a wedding band, by the way, and she asked him to meet with her to seek his advice since he had accomplished something she wanted to do. Well, he flat out said he would just tell her over email and basically refused to meet with her. Now... my friend and I discussed this, and I said that it was a different context (the middle of the semester rather than the middle of the summer), which could most definitely skew the "experiment." Another factor, of course, was that it was her and not me. And, the topic was fairly different (hers was more about a procedure and mine was more about ideas). But, at at the very least, her experience with him demonstrates that he's able to say "no" pretty clearly when he doesn't want to be bothered.

 

In my case, I could have also emailed back and forth with him (which I did a little bit), but when I asked him to meet with me, he said "sure" rather than "let's just keep emailing back and forth." And when a scheduling conflict came up after we had already agreed on a time, he emailed to ask if we could change it (rather than flat out cancel it). So what I'm wondering is... how much should I make of this? Is this his indirect way of signaling that he's at least interested in getting to know me better (even if he's not sure that he'd like to date me)? Was saying yes a way to satisfy his curiosity about why I would email him out of the blue in the middle of the summer?

Edited July 25, 2013 by wildviolet

[DropTheBase]

 So what I'm wondering is... how much should I make of this? Is this his indirect way of signaling that he's at least interested in getting to know me better (even if he's not sure that he'd like to date me)? Was saying yes a way to satisfy his curiosity about why I would email him out of the blue in the middle of the summer?

 

I think it's his DIRECT way of saying he's busy during the time you two originally scheduled, and he's willing to meet with you at a different time. 

 

There are way too many factors that skew a comparison between your friend's and your situations.

 

When you meet, you'll know if he's somewhat interested in getting to know you better if he asks you questions about yourself. And you'll know for sure he's actually interested in getting to know you better if he actually listens to your answers!

 

DTB

[33andathirdRPM]

So did ya ask him out yet?

[Arcadian]

My first post on GC in several months is going to be in the topic about dating? I'm disappointed in myself...Fuck it.

 

Now, as to why my crush isn't taken already--I'm thinking either he's so shy/introverted he's never really dated, a la 40-year-old virgin [...] Or, there's something seriously wrong with him. Or [...] he just hasn't found the right girl yet [...]

 

Maybe he doesn't want a girlfriend, or maybe he's open to the idea but not actively seeking one and would prefer to acquire one in a more passive fashion. That was always my approach. I let my girlfriend make the moves...and she did.

 

You should never assume that "there's something seriously wrong with him"...that's kinda fucked up.

Edited July 25, 2013 by Arcadian

[wildviolet]

I think it's his DIRECT way of saying he's busy during the time you two originally scheduled, and he's willing to meet with you at a different time. 

 

There are way too many factors that skew a comparison between your friend's and your situations.

 

When you meet, you'll know if he's somewhat interested in getting to know you better if he asks you questions about yourself. And you'll know for sure he's actually interested in getting to know you better if he actually listens to your answers!

 

DTB

 

Yes, as a social scientist, I realize there were way too many factors to fairly compare my situation with my friend's--hence, my conclusion that at the very least I know he's able to say no.

 

During our 2-hour meeting, he did bring up other topics, like politics, and, thinking back on it, our conversation was quite intense... sitting across each other at a small around table, no laptops or phones out, pretty much engaging with each other the entire time. It didn't feel like 2 hours... more like 20  minutes! So, DTB, I think your comment is helpful in that I could see him not engaging in this way with someone if he didn't want to.

[wildviolet]

So did ya ask him out yet?

 

LOL, no... I don't feel like the timing is right yet. I think we need one more casual interaction/conversation before I could email him about getting some coffee.

[wildviolet]

My first post on GC in several months is going to be in the topic about dating? I'm disappointed in myself...Fuck it.

 

 

Maybe he doesn't want a girlfriend, or maybe he's open to the idea but not actively seeking one and would prefer to acquire one in a more passive fashion. That was always my approach. I let my girlfriend make the moves...and she did.

 

You should never assume that "there's something seriously wrong with him"...that's kinda fucked up.

 

I agree that it is fucked up, and I had a pretty fucked up relationship for 10 years, so pardon my assumptions! I'm just trying to learn from my mistakes.

 

Now what I'm curious about is your rationale behind acquiring a girlfriend in a "passive fashion"...

[i.am.me]

Now what I'm curious about is your rationale behind acquiring a girlfriend in a "passive fashion"...

 

In my experience, it's quite easy---I just had to be available and inquisitive enough to convey romantic interest but not initiate any activities.  

 

Some just prefer to lure and bait as opposed to participating in a chase--but the catch is that you have to be confident enough in your attractiveness and ability to be interesting to the other person.  

[DropTheBase]

the catch is that you have to be confident enough in your attractiveness and ability to be interesting to the other person.  

 

These are prerequisites for a chase! Whereas all you have to do to obtain a siginificant other passively is be content with being alone!

 

Those attributes are also important for maintaining a relationship, not just obtaining one. If one wants somebody, shouldn't one be active about it?

[i.am.me]

These are prerequisites for a chase! Whereas all you have to do to obtain a siginificant other passively is be content with being alone!

 

Those attributes are also important for maintaining a relationship, not just obtaining one. If one wants somebody, shouldn't one be active about it?

 

Sorry, I am not good with this vocabulary.

 

I meant that as a person you are probably pretty interesting to begin with and already able to catch the attention of others just by minding your own business. Hence, the "non-active" aspect. So you don't have to worry about actually having to put yourself out there and people will find you anyway. But if you are interested in someone, but don't want to be the aggressor, then you just sit yourself in their field of vision and "attract" (passive in the most literal sense) instead of "chase" (active in the most literal sense).

 

I think its more true for girls....and perhaps funny (or hot) guys. Or charismatic weirdos.

 

Now that I think about it, I wonder if WV's boy-crush is one of these types.

[wildviolet]

Now that I think about it, I wonder if WV's boy-crush is one of these types.

 

Hmmm... I mean, he's most definitely extraordinary (in the sense of "out of the ordinary"). He doesn't "light up a room" but rather seems to go about his business without too much attention to things going on around him. He seems very focused... on whatever he is interested in at the moment. I wouldn't be surprised if he studies pretty intensely (and the way he drums his fingers makes me think he plays piano, probably intensely, too). I think I could see him in the role of passive aggressor, which means I definitely need to take a more active role (just not too active... I don't want to come off as too pushy or needy). I just hope this month off makes him wonder/think about me...

 

I'm out of town for a week to do some research, so, once the semester officially begins again, I will be on the lookout for a good opportunity to talk to him about personal stuff, and hopefully will email him afterwards about coffee with clear intentions about my personal interest in him.

 

Also, thanks to everyone for helping me think through this...

[wildviolet]

***UPDATE***

 

OK, y'all, so nothing has happened with Mr. Shy Guy.

 

But... something did happen with a colleague last week that was completely unexpected yet surprisingly pleasant!

 

So last week my research team and I flew out of town to conduct research in a southern state. This person--I'll call him Marco--is a more advanced graduate student. To me, he's always been just Marco... serious yet social because I would run into him in the hallway, at department-sponsored events, or at a gathering of grad students off-campus. I never felt anything for him.

 

Then... last week, I started to see him in a completely different light. With the help of a beer or a glass of wine, Marco showed a different side of himself... a wicked dry humor and a great laugh and smile. He also, in his own way, flirted with me almost the entire time we were there (at least, this was my perception). The other two graduate student members of my research team are also female and single (and he knows them longer), and he didn't seem to behave towards them the way he was behaving towards me, like touching my arm lightly to ask me something, choosing to sit next to me at dinner (and glancing at me the whole time), and walking up behind me at the airport and saying "boo"!

 

One night, during dinner, he started rattling off all of his pet peeves about food, like not liking cold tomatoes in his salad or why does everyone assume that everyone likes chicken... The three of us teased him the rest of the trip about this, like "hmmm... I wonder if we're having chicken today?" He was a good sport about it. But, on our return trip, while we were at the airport, he asked me (in front of everyone): "wv, do you think I'm too picky?"

 

What?!? So, the whole time that he was flirting with me, I was trying to hide my true mixed feelings (I mean, I was flattered, but I didn't know what to make of this sudden change in behavior, not to mention the fact that we were working).

 

So, I answered: "That's not for me to say... I mean, you shouldn't care what I think, you should just be yourself." My team mates laughed, and he didn't pursue it further, but he was really red when he asked me.

 

Anyway, so I kept thinking, why did he ask only me and not the group? If we had been alone, I would have asked him if he cared what I thought (the answer, by the way, is that I don't think he's too picky--he knows what he likes, and that's a good thing).

 

So, we come back, and yesterday we spent five whole hours together in my office, just the two of us, editing our research team conference proposal. I was more myself (i.e., a little bit spunky), and he was super nice/friendly, and we talked about tons of things not related to research/grad school in between editing the proposal. The best was when he laughed (you know that deep kind of laugh where you throw back your head?) when I told him he could get back on FB while I wrote a short email (I had told him earlier to get off FB so we could focus on the proposal).

 

So... we'll see if this goes anywhere, but this latest development has me forgetting about Mr. Shy Guy.

[33andathirdRPM]

*avuncular pat*

[comp12]

AND, the world observes a moment of silence for another Mr. Nice Shy Guy, who has once again gotten beat to the punch by Mr. Outgoing Funny Bro

[wildviolet]

*avuncular pat*

 

Ha ha, I had to look up avuncular.

[PsychGirl1]

***UPDATE***

 

OK, y'all, so nothing has happened with Mr. Shy Guy.

 

But... something did happen with a colleague last week that was completely unexpected yet surprisingly pleasant!

 

So last week my research team and I flew out of town to conduct research in a southern state. This person--I'll call him Marco--is a more advanced graduate student. To me, he's always been just Marco... serious yet social because I would run into him in the hallway, at department-sponsored events, or at a gathering of grad students off-campus. I never felt anything for him.

 

Then... last week, I started to see him in a completely different light. With the help of a beer or a glass of wine, Marco showed a different side of himself... a wicked dry humor and a great laugh and smile. He also, in his own way, flirted with me almost the entire time we were there (at least, this was my perception). The other two graduate student members of my research team are also female and single (and he knows them longer), and he didn't seem to behave towards them the way he was behaving towards me, like touching my arm lightly to ask me something, choosing to sit next to me at dinner (and glancing at me the whole time), and walking up behind me at the airport and saying "boo"!

 

One night, during dinner, he started rattling off all of his pet peeves about food, like not liking cold tomatoes in his salad or why does everyone assume that everyone likes chicken... The three of us teased him the rest of the trip about this, like "hmmm... I wonder if we're having chicken today?" He was a good sport about it. But, on our return trip, while we were at the airport, he asked me (in front of everyone): "wv, do you think I'm too picky?"

 

What?!? So, the whole time that he was flirting with me, I was trying to hide my true mixed feelings (I mean, I was flattered, but I didn't know what to make of this sudden change in behavior, not to mention the fact that we were working).

 

So, I answered: "That's not for me to say... I mean, you shouldn't care what I think, you should just be yourself." My team mates laughed, and he didn't pursue it further, but he was really red when he asked me.

 

Anyway, so I kept thinking, why did he ask only me and not the group? If we had been alone, I would have asked him if he cared what I thought (the answer, by the way, is that I don't think he's too picky--he knows what he likes, and that's a good thing).

 

So, we come back, and yesterday we spent five whole hours together in my office, just the two of us, editing our research team conference proposal. I was more myself (i.e., a little bit spunky), and he was super nice/friendly, and we talked about tons of things not related to research/grad school in between editing the proposal. The best was when he laughed (you know that deep kind of laugh where you throw back your head?) when I told him he could get back on FB while I wrote a short email (I had told him earlier to get off FB so we could focus on the proposal).

 

So... we'll see if this goes anywhere, but this latest development has me forgetting about Mr. Shy Guy.

 

Ugh, I need a good crush. Education sounds like it has WAY more guys in it than Psychology. Maybe I need a future career change :-D

Edited August 16, 2013 by PsychGirl1

[Guest |||]

Ugh, I need a good crush. Education sounds like it has WAY more guys in it than Psychology. Maybe I need a future career change :-D

 

Why dont you just psychologize a guy

[wildviolet]

AND, the world observes a moment of silence for another Mr. Nice Shy Guy, who has once again gotten beat to the punch by Mr. Outgoing Funny Bro

 

So I've been thinking about this... I think I'm pretty good at picking up signals from guys, especially if they are trying to send signals of some sort (the worst, in my recent experience, was a guy who was trying to talk science like "do you know what fractals are?" to a group of three of us, all with undergrad degrees in the physical sciences).

 

Anyway, Mr. Outgoing Funny Bro, as you call him, was definitely sending signals! Furthermore, I think what may have happened between the two of us during our research trip was more of a mutual awakening of feelings and awareness of each other than a pursue-and-conquer.

 

In contrast, what happened with Mr. Nice Shy Guy seems more like a pursue-and-conquer (or perhaps a I'm-going-to-toss-out-a-fishing-line-to-see-if-you'll-bite), with me in the role of pursuer, which I was uncomfortable with. I would much rather have this mutual thing than either one of us having to pursue. I'm not sure when he started seeing me in a different light (as he had always seemed very serious and hard to read previously), but he started showing it to me last week for sure.

 

Besides, I hear that Mr. Outgoing Funny Bro is a good Argentine tango dancer, which is a huge plus in my book!

[St Andrews Lynx]

Go and ask him out, already!

[wildviolet]

Go and ask him out, already!

 

Which one? The new one? Oh no, I'm just going to let that simmer... he's clearly interested, and I'm going to let him take the lead. He knows way more about me than he probably should at this point (we've known each other as colleagues for a year now). Because we're colleagues, he has my phone number and email, and he's FB friends with me and can see all my stuff, plus I talk way too much about my private life when I have a few drinks, and last week he heard all about some stuff with my ex and my feelings about what it's like to be a single mom, etc., and he's met my kids on multiple occasions, so after all that if he's still interested, then I'm okay with letting him make the moves.