GRE issue task ; critique this essay pls

[dicapino]

Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.

 

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position

 

Most students make the mistake of choosing fields of study because their peers are doing it or due to pressure from their parents. Some then end up not performing well. Therefore, it is paramount that education institutions should dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.

 

Firstly, it improves a student academic performance. Students do not perform well in fields that they have little interest. Therefore, educators are saddled with the responsibility of discerning the academic strong, and weak points of individual students, and urge them to take courses they show interest in, thus improving academic performance. For example, an engineering student who gets poor grades, but gets the attention of the class when giving insightful analysis on political, and public policy. Such a student should be in the arts or humanities.

 

Also, teachers become more effective in the classroom. As they work more with students that show interest particular fields, they become motivated to teach. This creates an enabling classroom environment, and an effective teacher-student relationship. For example, a calculus class in which majority of the students have prerequisite knowledge of algebra will make a teacher effective.

 

Proponents against this statement argue that teachers are not working hard on the student. In some exceptional cases, compelling students to study subject-areas that are mundane to them might be efficient, yet some of these students still return to fields they find interesting. Ngozi Adiche, a Nigerian novelist, initially was studying to become a doctor, even with her affinity towards the arts, but a few years later she goes to the United States to study literature. She is now a renowned writer.

 

Finally, education institutions have an important role in producing great individuals for the future, and this is possible only by dissuading students from fields of study that will stymie them reaching their potential.

 

please i did not time myself. am i on the right track

and will the essays on test day be from the AWA pools. Thanks

[exploregre]

Hi Dicapino, 

 

I hardly respond to analytical writing, but I am just into this and want to have a look !!

 

I would not rate because rating is relative thing.

 

It was little bit confounding to me that you choose to support the argument, even extremely.Rather, It would be perfect to  criticize this argument rather than support this. Because the argument is not strong. But, it does not matter which side you take if you get some reasonable ideas to support your position.

 

I do believe that you missed some important aspects of writing. That is : generally first paragraph should be introduced to introduce your position, next paragraphs should explain your positions, and last paragraph should be used to paraphrase what you  have  written so far. And, most importantly, there must be relations or consistency among the paragraphs, which I think you missed.

 

Another thing you used some extreme words(e.g. paramount). I do believe that smart writers use optimal tone rather than extreme words.

 

And the most crucial thing you missed that to explain why students are unlikely to succeed before  they try to do something. How would institutions determine that a particular students are unlikely to succeed? you should explain these questions.

 

The good thing is that you have given some examples, but also you lacked some complexity that is required to score a 6 point.

 

Don't worry; you have covered the basic things. I will suggest you to grab a copy of manhattan, and then to read their strategy carefully.

Edited September 3, 2013 by exploregre

[dicapino]

Thank you very much, will do just that. 

[PeakPerformance]

Hi,

 

I think you make a number of problematic assumptions in your essay and are not showing very strong critical thinking skills. If I had to rate the essay, I would give it a 3.5. Here's a few suggestions for improvement.

 

1)  You need to engage more with the idea of what defines success and the role of the university. Are you speaking strictly about grades as an indicator of success? What about fields of study pursued simply for intellectual curiosity/interest but which are not necessarily an area a student will work in? Can a teacher really rule out improvement or even say what type of success a student may encounter in the future?

 

2)  The relevance of the third paragraph is questionable at best; I don't think this paragraph connects to the prompt well. I also do not understand your counterargument -- what you mean by "not working hard on the student"?

 

3)  You need to work on incomplete sentences/fragments.

 

Good luck!

[dicapino]

thank you am working hard.....not easy. any ideas on how i can get better. @peak performance . materials that can make me improve on my mistakes.

Edited September 10, 2013 by dicapino