help

[ughhhh]

I don't think this is really the place for this but here it goes anyway.

 

I'm a first year in a PhD program and I need to get of grad school. 

It's taken an extreme toll on my mental health, exacerbating underlying issues that I won't get into here. Nevertheless, I'm woken up each morning by intrusive, anxious thoughts, I'm constantly exhausted, I can't concentrate.

 

The academic life is not for me and I need to leave, ASAP. 

I spoke with my departmental advisor earlier in the year (different than my lab PI) and told her that I would most likely not be continuing in the program. However, I have a teaching assistantship, so I told her that I would honor that obligation by finishing out the semester. She essentially advised me to keep my feelings a secret from my lab and PI until the end of the semester.

 

Fast forward to today- I can't maintain this charade. It's been a month and change and I don't think I can last another two months. By mid-November, I'm expected to begin a project (with another student in the lab) and if I refuse, they'll know that something is up regardless of my best attempts at secrecy, and if I do begin the project, I don't think it's fair to just dump all the unfinished work on my colleague at the end of the semester. (Not to mention the awful feeling of seeing my advisor multiple times a week, smiling in his face like I'm the perfect, motivated grad student.) 

 

The sole thing that is preventing me from leaving right now is my TAship. I don't know how I can just up and leave mid-semester when I am responsible for 80+ students. I feel like it would be wrong and very unprofessional to do so. Yet, I literally don't know how I can finish the semester without suffering a mental breakdown.

 

I feel guilty, extremely depressed, and trapped. I don't know what to do or how to make an exit. What would your advice be for someone in my position? 

 

 

[danieleWrites]

Go to your campus counseling center asap. Most campuses have someone on call all of the time, so even if the counseling center isn't open, you can call them.

 

I say this not because I think the counseling center is going to get you to embrace the joys of grad school, but rather because you feel trapped by your obligations and you don't want to harm yourself and your future by being hasty. You may discover that dropping out right now is best for all involved, or you may find someone that can help you make it through the semester, and then quit. I don't know what your financial obligations would be if you dropped on an assistanceship. Actually, I don't know what mine would be. Huh.

 

All of that pressure, the guilt, extreme depression, anxiety, and exhaustion are horrible things to live with. If you feel like you're at the end of your rope and absolutely can't take on more second of it, find out what emergency counseling services are at your university. I typed the word "counseling" into the search bar on my university's home page. A few clicks later and I was on their counseling center's page with a lot of information, including a number to call at any time, on any day, all year long. If you can wait, go on Monday. Don't stop. You need someone in your corner that will listen to you and will put your health above all other considerations; someone that you can trust to keep your confidence so that you can make your own decisions about your academics and TAing, rather than have gossip get to the department and have them make those decisions for you. Your adviser isn't doing that for you, and really isn't in a good position to help you through this.

[St Andrews Lynx]

The sole thing that is preventing me from leaving right now is my TAship. I don't know how I can just up and leave mid-semester when I am responsible for 80+ students. I feel like it would be wrong and very unprofessional to do so. Yet, I literally don't know how I can finish the semester without suffering a mental breakdown.

 

 

I don't think you are morally obliged to stay in the course on behalf of your students. Professionally, maybe: but not morally. 

While it might disrupt their education for a few weeks having their TA quit and getting a replacement, missing a TA/adjusting to a new one for a maximum of a few weeks won't ruin their grades. 

On the other side of the coin, just how much use are you going to be to your students if you try to continue until the end of the semester...but suffer a major mental breakdown? Wouldn't it be better for their sake to be taught by somebody who actually wants to be in the program?

 

I think that talking to a university counsellor would be a good move - especially to understand what happens if you decide to drop out when you still have the TAship. Look after yourself before anybody else.

(There might be a middle ground - you continue teaching until the end of the semester but withdraw from your courses, research, etc - you don't know until you ask).

[Lisa44201]

Please call your counseling center today. They should have someone on call; if they do not, remember you can go to the ER if you need to see someone before Monday. Going to the ER does not necessarily mean they'll admit you, either - you stand a good chance of getting a 'script to start you on the path to getting better sooner.

 

Those students are not more important than your health, whether that's mental or physical. I do not think it's unprofessional for you to leave now: you are clearly having a hell of a time with things, and that takes priority. If someone gets diagnosed with cancer and has to leave mid-semester, that person would not be called unprofessional for doing so. Serious mental health issues are no different.

 

You can apologize for the inconvenience, but do not for a second apologize for leaving to take care of yourself. 

[fuzzylogician]

I would encourage you to get counseling and any other professional help that you can get from your school, asap. You should put your health first -- that's so much more important than your teaching obligation, which I'm sure they will figure out if they really need to. Feeling trapped and depressed is no way to spend a whole semester. Find out what your options are, and make a plan for getting out. Just knowing that you have a plan for how and when this mess will end could help a great deal.

 

Then I would also suggest going back to your departmental advisor to update her on your current state and see if she can be of any help. If you do decide to stay until the end of the semester, you need to get her help in dealing with your PI. Your advisor should be able to intervene and help you avoid starting this project. At the end of the day, it's going to be in everyone's best interest if you don't start this project, including your PI. You'll probably not be able to do much in the time you'll work on the project, and whoever will pick it up next will be a few months behind compared to where they could have been. There should be a way to have someone work on the project who will continue working on it in the coming semesters, and you should really only be concentrating on your mental health, not on this project you'll only be responsible for for a month. I could perhaps understand not sharing your feelings with your PI while you were undecided about your next move so the relationship won't be affected, but now that you've decided I don't think there is any advantage to the secrecy. I'd talk about this point and its effects on you with your advisor. Maintaining a facade and keeping secrets is certainly not contributing to your mental health, and I think you need to find a way to stop it. Please take care of yourself.