Please help me in determining my level in Issue GRE essay.

[ramo62003]

Hi there,

 

Can you please rate my essay and give some feedback. I am trying to improve my skills but can't see my own weaknesses.

 

Essay topic: 

Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

Should educational institutes help their students in choosing their field of studies? Some people may argue that such a decision might have positive effect. Others might have a different perspective. Despite the fact that the educational institutions may give their students a favor by dissuade them from pursuing a fields with lower successful rates, this for sure will not be helpful for all students.

 

First of all, it is important to notice that most success comes from putting people in the right place. Although there are certain fields have better market in the industry, but if a person does not have the passion for his field, he/she most likely won't excel. This situation remind me of one of my friends who studied chemical engineering just because he heard that oil companies always hire people with this major and that they are paying their employees good. Unfortunately, my friend worked hard to get his bachelor’s degree, but once he graduated and stared to work in a well known company, he did not like his job and now he is planning to come back to school and do a degree in electrical engineering, the major that he always admire. Thus, it is always important to allow students follow their passions and choose whatsoever field because at the end people always do well when they do what they love.

 

Another point that we should consider is the negative effect that might happen for the companies in the certain field that is considered not very successful. If the educational institutions always deter their students from going a certain field such as computer engineering, we will see a big effect for many companies working in this industry. Lacking the new graduate for a certain field will have a serious effect. Therefore, it is very important to allow student to go all possible fields without deterring them from going to certain ones.

 

From all of the above examples, we can conclude that educational institutions should not use any pressure on students in order to deter them from "pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed". Because that will have a negative effect on the students' future and the quality of their work, and also will have a big impact on the companies in that certain field.

Edited October 28, 2013 by ramo62003

[danieleWrites]

Should educational institutes help their students in choosing their field of studies? <-- This question seems more like a tool you're using to prompt your writing rather than a device you're using to engage the reader in a substantial way. More importantly, you do not answer this question, instead you shift the topic from whether or not universities should help students choose a field of study to how helpful it would be if universities were to dissuade students from unproductive fields.. Some people may argue that such a decision might have positive effect. Others might have a different perspective. <-- Both of these sentences, combined, say this: people have opinions on the subject. Neither statement has anything specific to say (one is some people are for it, the other is some people are against it). Neither sentence adds anything to your discussion because it expresses neither necessary abstractions (important concepts, theories, or perspectives) nor specific details that would provide background information, current thinking on the subject itself or context. Despite the fact that the educational institutions may give their students a favor by dissuade them from pursuing a fields with lower successful rates, this for sure will not be helpful for all students. <-- this is your thesis statement. It does provide a strong, arguable opinion, and it can guide your essay. It's worded badly because it does not clearly state your position. It does what we call equivocating. First of all, what is "this"? Dissuading students from pursuing fields with lower success rates? Or helping them choose a field in the first place? The opening phrase is good because it gives your general attitude, it provides context, and it tells me what to expect from your argument (though the grammar needs improvement). The actual argument itself is weak and unclear. I'm left to figure out what "this" refers to by myself, and it can be a number of things, "for sure" directly contradicts the equivocating "all" (this implies that some will be helped and some will not), "be helpful for students" is okay. Be clear. Be to the point.

First of all, it is important to notice that most success comes from putting people in the right place. <-- your main point (which is strong) is not at all supported by your evidence. This argues that people should be put in the right place (by others). Your supporting evidence clearly shows the opposite, that people should choose their own place. Although there are certain fields have better market in the industry, but if a person does not have the passion for his field, he/she most likely won't excel. This situation remind me of one of my friends who studied chemical engineering just because he heard that oil companies always hire people with this major and that they are paying their employees good. Unfortunately, my friend worked hard to get his bachelor’s degree, but once he graduated and stared to work in a well known company, he did not like his job and now he is planning to come back to school and do a degree in electrical engineering, the major that he always admire. Thus, it is always important to allow students follow their passions and choose whatsoever field because at the end people always do well when they do what they love. <-- the story is good support, and you've done a good job explaining what you mean in the last sentence. Your word choices need work, as does your grammar. Your sentences are fused (run-on) and have problems with parallelism (words, phrases, or sentences joined by conjunctions, like the word and, in a logical pattern). Bad parallelism: we need milk, eggs, and to pick up the dry cleaning. Good parallelism: We need to buy milk and eggs, and to pick up the dry cleaning.

Another point that we should consider is the negative effect that might happen for the companies in the certain field that is considered not very successful. If the educational institutions always deter their students from going a certain field such as computer engineering, we will see a big effect for many companies working in this industry. Lacking the new graduate for a certain field will have a serious effect. Therefore, it is very important to allow student to go all possible fields without deterring them from going to certain ones. <-- google "active voice" and "passive voice"; also, use specific evidence not generalizations to support a point. See previous paragraph for an example of how to do that.

From all of the above examples, we can conclude that educational institutions should not use any pressure on students in order to deter them from "pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed". Because that will have a negative effect on the students' future and the quality of their work, and also will have a big impact on the companies in that certain field. <-- you have a good argument that you've structured well, and have supported (in the second paragraph) with evidence. You biggest issue seems to be lack of planning followed by grammar issues. Before you write any essay, plan it out. Most people use an outline, but that's not best for everyone. Even in an essay exam, spend a minute or two planning your thesis statement, the main points you will use to support it, and the evidence you will use to support each point. Do that before you begin writing. It will help you develop a strong, useful thesis statement and your introduction. Your introduction should not seem like a belongs to a different paper than your conclusion.

[ramo62003]

Thank you very much for the detailed response. I see the main weakness in my essay:

- Planning-> More specific examples which will lead to stronger thesis as well.

- Grammar-> mainly parallelism.

- Using vague terms, like "this".

 

I think that most of the above problems occur due to the limited time of the essay. Do you have any advice for me to improve my skills in writing (other than outlining my essay)? I still have about 3-4 weeks for my GRE exam.