Diversity Statement

[meganmay]

Here is the prompt for the statement:

Please write a statement that identifies the distinctive qualities, characteristics, and life experiences you would contribute to your graduate program and to the education of fellow students at the University of XXX. You may wish to include examples that address your contribution to the diversity of the student body and illustrate your motivation to succeed by setting high standards for accomplishing intellectual and other goals, overcoming obstacles to achievement, and/or helping others to gain access to the resources necessary for success.

 

I was also considering adding my own health issues (seizure) which happened for the first time last year, any feedback is welcome.

 

My statement:

 

  When my father was diagnosed with kidney failure in June of 1998, he continued working despite his sickness. Even after he began dialysis three times a week, he didn’t stop running his own Masonry business. In January of 1999, thanks to my Aunt’s kidney, the transplant was successfully completed. My father returned to work six weeks later, despite the doctor’s order that he should wait three months. The severity of the situation was not entirely clear to me at the time as I was only in second grade, but I recognized my father’s willpower despite his sickness.

 

In 2002, my father developed skin cancer as a result of both the anti-rejection medication for his kidney and the exposure of working outside. Radiation and blood work was necessary, which meant more medical bills. My father stopped working and despite my mother continuing to work; the bills became too much. My parents went into debt and were unable to pay for our house. My family moved to rural Wisconsin, but my parents stayed strong in the face of their struggles.

 

I grew up in XXX, XXX which has an ethnically and culturally diverse population. Our move to the small town of XXX, XXX was a drastic change. For the first time in my life, I saw severe racism and hatred towards the small number of minorities at school. My old school had its own racial tension, but not to the extent where kids were bullied just because of their skin color. I attached myself to those who were bullied, fighting against the ignorance that pervaded the small town. As a result I was persecuted by the same bullies, but their words only made me more obstinate. I have always been supported by my parents, and seeing their struggles in life urged me to pursue something further so I could support them and be a voice for others. Since my mother had not graduated high school and nobody in my family had attended college, my acceptance at the University of XXX was not only an achievement for me, but for my entire family. My parents’ diligence and wish for their children to have a better future has emboldened my desire for learning and overcoming the dilemmas of life.

Edited December 14, 2013 by meganmay

[meganmay]

bump

[cwasson]

I dont understand how this contributes to your grad program, you should make that more clear

[danieleWrites]

Yeah, that totally does not work. You have two essays at work. First, you're writing about your family's medical problems and the issues that go with that. Then you're writing about your experiences with racism (other people's oppression) and what you learned about it. The only real link between the two is locative, not thematic. Subject X is this, then we moved, and Subject Y is that. No connection. Your essay should be a unified whole, not separate. Your father got sick and your family lost its livelihood. Your diversity in there, so work with that.

 

If you want to discuss your experiences with racism, approach it in a completely different way. Right now, that's offensive in the way the Disney Pocahontas and James Cameron's Avatar is offensive. If you don't know why Pocahontas and Avatar can be considered offensive, then google White Messiah. It's an old story. Unless you learned something substantive and human about race, don't talk about race. It's difficult for white people to talk about race problems without making boneheaded statements, like your White Messiah example, that just hurts your case. It doesn't matter how genuine or caring you are when your approach to the writing make it clear that you didn't get some key points about diversity. I figure you're white not because of your picture, but because you referred to the minority students as "they," which puts you directly into the "us" category with the white bullies.

 

Work with your own, personal experiences. You come from blue collar, dealing with disabilities, and whatnot. Diversity is more than skin color. What can you do with your family's experiences to help your fellow students understand diversity? How can your family experience help you help other students "gain access to the resources necessary for success."

[meganmay]

That's kind of what I was wondering (if it fit together)....I felt it was kind of irrelevant, but was trying to show "helping others". I should definitely make it more intellectually relevant to my success.

 

Thank you

[Human_]

I don't think it fits. 

 

You can work with story 1, but story 2 is very general and boring and your phrasing in certain areas could be interpreted as offensive.

 

They want to see why you have a passion and drive for success, not that you're a nice person.