I risk losing my fellowship

[GradHooting]

So, my entire school decision came from the financial aid package.  This is my first semester.  This place was offering full funding, so I went here.  My grades were great in all of my classes until a frightful day in November, where my midterm grades just plummeted after not getting enough sleep (two midterms that day).  The rest of the semester was being hunkered down doing not much beyond working my butt off studying and trying to recover my grade, as well as fighting with the ensuing depression and self-confidence mental death spiral I was in.  I immediately sought therapy that day, but no appointment was able to be made until a month later, during finals week.  So, the one appointment I had wasn't able to help much.

 

I studied hard for finals, putting up timers and simulating a test taking environment, making and cross-referencing notes.  But, it wasn't enough.  Right now, my GPA stands at a precise 3.5, and I need an A or an A- in the remaining class to be able to keep the fellowship.  Unfortunately, the professor had other commitments so the final class grade has been delayed.  Until then, I am utterly terrified, because I do not know what I will do if the funding is gone.  Granted, it is the test I studied the hardest for, and felt the best about walking out of it.  But, I'm just afraid that my test was littered with the same arithmatic mistakes that littered my second round of midterms.

 

I just don't know what to do with myself, how to improve my study habits, or how to just live.  There is so much money on the line, and people keep telling me "it's no big deal" but I certainly don't feel that way.  This is patently a big deal.

 

My graduate school experience has been humbling.  It has given strength and validity to the voice in my head yelling at me, "You were just not born with the mental hardware capable of keeping up with everyone else.  There is nothing you can ever do to perform as well as your peers."  Fighting with these demons as well as keeping my studies in track has been a nightmare.  Putting on top of that my emotional tailspin after the bad midterm grades in November, and it's been unbearable.  It's putting a strain on all the relationships with my friends and I'm even questioning driving back for Christmas.  What's the point if there's just a depressed person occupying their household?

[Loric]

Go watch Gattaca, you'll feel better.

 

Otherwise, a few thoughts.. You haven't lost the fellowship yet. And if you do.. what happens? They don't throw you out, right? Well, ok, if you can't pay to take course you're out.. but there are other ways of funding things. And is there anything you can do to prevent losing the fellowship besides this one class and its grade? Can you petition or request changes in the other grades?

 

There is always a choice to be made and rarely are decisions entirely out of your control. You just have to choose to do something about it. The whole fight or flight response - sometimes you need to choose to fight. Look for ways, ask questions, demand answers and fight for you and what you want.

 

Giving up is going to lead to defeat. Trying is going to get you somewhere.. it may not be pretty, it may challenge your ego, and it may prove to be so taxing that you choose not to continue. But right now you're giving up before even starting to put up a fight.

[Canis]

If your school has a counseling center, an academic advising office, or your department has any faculty whom you trust to talk about personal issues with - go and talk to them now. Don't wait and see how things turn out. It sounds like you need some help and support from your program and your school.

 

They wouldn't have admitted you and given you a fellowship if they didn't have confidence in you and think you could do it - so let them help you when you have trouble - it's what they're there for - they're your colleagues.

[GradHooting]

If your school has a counseling center, an academic advising office, or your department has any faculty whom you trust to talk about personal issues with - go and talk to them now. Don't wait and see how things turn out. It sounds like you need some help and support from your program and your school.

 

They wouldn't have admitted you and given you a fellowship if they didn't have confidence in you and think you could do it - so let them help you when you have trouble - it's what they're there for - they're your colleagues.

 

Thanks for the advice, everyone.  Yeah, after my first bad grade, I immediately sought counseling.  Unfortunately, they were in such high demand that I was only able to get one appointment, and their policy has it that I cannot schedule any more until next semester.  I am definitely keeping my adviser well aware of the situation, though I do not want to unload too much on him, since he is going through some issues of his own.  He does have all the facts, though.  Right now, I am doing everything I can to seek as much assistance as I can get.  I've found that counseling does not come easy, and appointments are in such high demand here.  I will be seeking counseling out of town ASAP.

 

*edit* sorry about the sudden edit, but who should know about what is going on?  So far, only my adviser and the professors know.  Should I also contact the grad program coordinator?

Edited December 21, 2013 by GradHooting

[Canis]

An update? how're things looking for the new year?

 

any luck finding more help?

[GradHooting]

Hey, the last grade was really, really late.  It ended up just coming in.  Turns out I got the highest grade possible in that class, so, my best grade by default.  Hurrah!  I have been spending the past few weeks seeking therapy and arranging appointments.  I'll figure out the bug that made it such a struggle the first time around.  So, in conclusion, no losing of fellowship!  I made the necessary GPA to continue with a decent margin.  The story definitely isn't over, though.  I can't go around just hoping that this doesn't happen again.  I'm making a plan to avoid it in the future.

 

Loric: I also ended up seeing Gattaca.  That was a pretty inspirational movie and I hope it rings true.  I'm hoping I can train myself into a better way of thinking.

Edited January 9, 2014 by GradHooting

[PhDplease!]

I hope your "highest grade possible" has renewed your strength in your ability to quell those demons who tell you "you were just not born with the mental hardware capable of keeping up with everyone else.  There is nothing you can ever do to perform as well as your peers." You are awesome and that grade is just some measurable proof of your awesomeness lol    Good luck with everything.