Couples at different graduate schools?

[timidtomato]

My boyfriend of almost three years is in his first year as a PhD student, while I've been finishing up my studies at our undergraduate institution. We've been doing distance for the last 6 months across the US, and it has been absolutely miserable at times. Our plan was for me to apply to PhD programs, including the same one as his, and then hopefully join him. However, the only program I've been accepted to is still pretty far from his. I'm having trouble deciding what to do: get my PhD and endure 5+ more years of distance, or get a job near him and postpone any graduate plans until later?

 

I've been working towards going to grad school for several years though, and I think I would regret not going. On the other hand, there were times in the last 6 months when the thought of living with him next year was the only thing that got me through the day. I feel that moving in together is an important step in a relationship, and I'm worried about what postponing that by 5+ years will do. If things go sour... I would surely regret that decision as well. 

 

So my question is for the long distance couples who are currently attending different graduate schools. How did you decide to do distance? How is it working for you? All thoughts are welcome. I'm feeling pretty helpless 

[threading_the_neidl]

Have you considered taking few years off between undergrad and grad school to move in and do work in your field for the remaining years it will take him to graduate? Then, when you apply to schools, you guys can aggressively pursue a few regions together. There's always a give and take with two body problems, so you'd "sacrifice" a few years now, but maybe for your next move, you go to the school that's the best fit for you, and he may have to settle with a less perfect post-doc.

 

Also, I say "sacrifice" because I actually think taking some time off to work is a really good idea for almost anyone. First, it solidifies for you that this is a field you can see yourself in for the long haul, and also that its an appropriate field for your interests. Second, you make MONEY. Real money! None of this shoestring stipend junk. You get healthcare and dental (imagine! a dentist!) and can get all of those pesky lingering cavities filled and ailments diagnosed before heading into a 5-7 year blackhole where real money and good healthcare may never be seen. With this Real Money, you can live on the cheap (pretend you're a grad student!) and you can save up one hell of a nest egg in just a couple years. It helps tremendously during grad years to have a solid bank account to fall back on when you need to spend $$$ for stress shopping/eating. Also, it looks good on your CV! You get solid letters of rec, and your experience seems more diverse and adult-y for when it's time to look for a post-doc.

 

That'd be my advice, and I'm sure others will delineate different paths you could choose. Good luck!

 

*Edited because I misread him as being a 3rd year, not a 1st year. Advice still stands!

Edited February 4, 2014 by threading_the_neidl

[Usmivka]

Have you considered taking few years off between undergrad and grad school to move in and do work in your field for the remaining years it will take him to graduate? Then, when you apply to schools, you guys can aggressively pursue a few regions together. There's always a give and take with two body problems, so you'd "sacrifice" a few years now, but maybe for your next move, you go to the school that's the best fit for you, and he may have to settle with a less perfect post-doc.

 

Also, I say "sacrifice" because I actually think taking some time off to work is a really good idea for almost anyone. First, it solidifies for you that this is a field you can see yourself in for the long haul, and also that its an appropriate field for your interests. Second, you make MONEY. Real money! None of this shoestring stipend junk. You get healthcare and dental (imagine! a dentist!) and can get all of those pesky lingering cavities filled and ailments diagnosed before heading into a 5-7 year blackhole where real money and good healthcare may never be seen. With this Real Money, you can live on the cheap (pretend you're a grad student!) and you can save up one hell of a nest egg in just a couple years. It helps tremendously during grad years to have a solid bank account to fall back on when you need to spend $$$ for stress shopping/eating. Also, it looks good on your CV! You get solid letters of rec, and your experience seems more diverse and adult-y for when it's time to look for a post-doc.

 

That'd be my advice, and I'm sure others will delineate different paths you could choose. Good luck!

 

*Edited because I misread him as being a 3rd year, not a 1st year. Advice still stands!

I agree with you. Clearly I did it all wrong. No more up votes for the day though.

Edited February 4, 2014 by Usmivka