how is the begining of my SOP?

[bbq555]

i was wondering if i can get some insight on what you guys think of my SOP opening. Any criticism is welcome! Along with any recommendations and help you can give me.

My parents immigrated to America when I was a mere 8 month old infant. It was not fortuity that the aftermath of our immigration led to my inevitable curiosity in foreign cultures and multifarious nations. A cognizance of my appreciation for speaking fluent Japanese along with multiple trips to Japan and other countries fully matured my enthusiasm for all things global. My affection towards international affairs coalesced with my strong passion towards the origin, influence and temptation of why people commit crimes burgeoned into my hunger for knowledge and ultimately a career in international security and relations.

after this paragraph i go on about why i pursued a criminal justice degree and some research i have done along with my internship in a police agency. Then I talk about the leadership positions i have had through out different organizations. Finally, i explain why the school's program is a good fit for me.

[mwash]

i'd make that my second paragraph and simplify the language a little. i think in your first paragraph you should say what field you're interested in, mention why you want a PhD or MA, and then complement their school

[jackassjim]

i was wondering if i can get some insight on what you guys think of my SOP opening. Any criticism is welcome! Along with any recommendations and help you can give me.

My parents immigrated to America when I was a mere 8 month old infant. It was not fortuity that the aftermath of our immigration led to my inevitable curiosity in foreign cultures and multifarious nations. A cognizance of my appreciation for speaking fluent Japanese along with multiple trips to Japan and other countries fully matured my enthusiasm for all things global. My affection towards international affairs coalesced with my strong passion towards the origin, influence and temptation of why people commit crimes burgeoned into my hunger for knowledge and ultimately a career in international security and relations.

Since this is a first draft, my critique is bound to sound too harsh. Nevertheless, here you go:

Tone down the "fancy" vocabulary. The words "fortuity, multifarious, cognizance, coalesced, & burgeoned", in particular, make it sound like you are reaching and trying to make it sound too literary. This is not a poem. It is a statement of purpose, which should be simple and to the point. Plus, you do not seem to have the writing skills to pull off using words such as those in correct context.

"My affection towards international affairs": Affection? You have a warm tender feeling toward international affairs?

"temptation of why people": Does not sound right. Some people recommend the book "The Elements of Style" to brush up on proper grammar and good sentence structure.

"a career in international security and relations": That's not a career. What do you want to do exactly? If you are applying to a PhD in political science in the U.S., they'll want you to show you want to become a professor and research. Int'l security would then be your subfield of specialization. If you want to do policy, choose your program carefully; think about policy schools.

I hope this helps.

Best,

Jim

[plisar]

First question, are you applying to a masters in international affairs or a Ph.D. in political science? If the latter, here are some suggestions.

Keep it simple. This is NOT a personal statement, this is a statement of purpose. Therefore, contrary to popular suggestion from those outside of the academe, do not make this a fluff piece, especially considering some schools don't even want five hundred words. Be succinct and to the point. Why do you want to go to grad school, what do you want to study, and why is X University the place for you to study? Get in and get out as fast as you can. Make it crisp, and make it so that the AdComm can really tell that you have some knowledge of what a good social science question entails.

I hope this helps.

Plisar

[Canofbeans]

Adding on to Pilsar here, I think you should take away any of that personal mushy history, they don't want a biography of your life. Get straight to the point.. I want study X and Y (in detail) and why it is important to study X and Y. Not why it's important for you to know this stuff, but more specifically in what way will it contribute to the development of migration, International affairs, etc... why does it matter. Then why this school is a good choice for doing this type of research (profs working on specific subjects, their program courses, research centers etc. This shouldn't take up more than a paragraph). And while you are describing your research interests, you can enter or say why you are qualified for this type of work, without actually saying I am qualified to do X and Y. For example, I just emphasized what my current research was and the ways in which i plan to develop it in the course of my graduate work. Also, by describing your research, you should be able tot demonstrated the amount of knowledge and experience you have in the field.

I drafted my SOP in July and worked on it until applications were due and one thing that came back often was that Adcoms really just want to see that you know where you are going and that you are qualified to do it. It's almost a thesis statement (I mean if you come up with a thesis topic that's great, but if not just be concise). They love students that have a clear and and thought out path. And even if you do specify what you thesis topic will be, remember it's not a contract, you can always change it once in grad school. you should be able to at least pretend like you have a thesis topic thought out...

My statement got me into 5/6 programs I applied to. Good luck!

[sonnyday]

Like jim said, I'd definitely take out all those "big" words and talk normally, you can tell that they are being forced in there.

Also, i think its good to start the SOP off with as a narrative or something. I used quotes in a small story of a research-related experience I had. Visuals are good too, if you can pull it off and it is substantial to your point. Do something to catch their attention and make them want to keep reading. But also get the main theme of the SOP out in your introduction.

You can add your personal history by weaving it into the whole essay, while you talk about more important things like what type of research you want to do, why you are interested in that research, why you want to attend that school. Just mention things here and there. Definitely don't start with your parents immigrating to america, I swear, its seems like everyone does that in some way. And when you mention why you want to attend, give very specific reasons, like "I like research center A and the many scholars you have studying the Congress..." Close out with a good conclusion that wraps up why you want to go to graduate school and also why they should pick YOU.

[tim]

I agree with starting with a narrative. I did so for my sop and was 2 for 4 on acceptances this year. One of the SOPs did not have the narrative (the application deadline snuck up on me) and resulted in one of the rejections.

[tistre]

If I'm on an admissions committee, these are the questions that would be on my mind before I look through applications -- and keep in mind that I'd be reading many formulaic statements. I'd probably also be a prof who has x, y, z ideas about what the next batch of IR students from that program should do.

- What is this person's investment in IR? Why IR in particular and not something else? Why IR here (this dept)?

- Are they rehashing the same things happening in IR or are they suggesting something innovative/interesting/productive?

- Are they realistic in their plan of research (you can ignore this if this doesn't apply to you, but I'm thinking things like fieldwork ala anthropology)

- Are the goals stated realistic, do they display adequate academic experience and insight?

etc.

I am a firm believer in starting right into what you want. A narrative is great, as long as it's extremely specific and relevant to what's proposed. If it's going to sound formulaic at all, axe it. It's worth including a narrative if it immediately and powerfully communicates something about your proposed work in a way that nothing else quite can. Towards the top, maybe mention things like your background *relevant* to the research, and state how you're building on that.

My parents immigrated to America when I was a mere 8 month old infant. It was not fortuity that the aftermath of our immigration led to my inevitable curiosity in foreign cultures and multifarious nations. A cognizance of my appreciation for speaking fluent Japanese along with multiple trips to Japan and other countries fully matured my enthusiasm for all things global. My affection towards international affairs coalesced with my strong passion towards the origin, influence and temptation of why people commit crimes burgeoned into my hunger for knowledge and ultimately a career in international security and relations.

after this paragraph i go on about why i pursued a criminal justice degree and some research i have done along with my internship in a police agency. Then I talk about the leadership positions i have had through out different organizations. Finally, i explain why the school's program is a good fit for me.

I realize this is a draft, but there's a lot of unclear and clunky wording in here. Consider something like awareness instead of cognizance. Your awareness of speaking fluent Japanese? Not clear. Also, if you do speak Japanese and this knowledge will come in handy in the particular research you propose, then you should include that, but do so in a more efficient manner. Perhaps you can read Japanese, and this will be handy to you in accessing Japanese journals or other materials? Include that in a part of your SOP where you highlight the intellectual and material resources available for your project, to demonstrate that it is a convincingly doable project.

As has already been pointed, it's not clear what the "strong passion" refers to. You were passionate about the context/condition under which crimes are committed? Are you interested in the individual motivations behind crime? Since you're not citing any kind of structural explanation for it, it would seem as if you think that "why people commit crimes" is being set up to be a major motivating question in your research. That could come across as naive, too. SOP for PhD programs are very academic statements. You would benefit from pointing out things like, "X scholarship has contested notions of Y within IR, and building on that...." or "In response to trends of Z.."

So I'd say get into details and situate your research, then write an intro that leads into that. Also, be prepared to write many drafts. Good luck!