Please proofread my SOP. I really appreciate it.

[girlengineer]

I am applying to the Penn MCIT program so my SOP is a little different because it is a career change program.  Please critique on it and tell me what to improve/ grammar and spelling errors. Thank you very much.

 

 

Where would I be in 10 years from now? This is the question that laid the foundation for my decisions and ambitions in the past and that will continue to do so in the future. My decision to pursue undergraduate studies in the United States, my decision to double major in Physics and Electrical Engineering, and my decision to enroll in the MCIT program at University of Pennsylvania are major stepping stones for my attempt to create the best answer to this question.

When I came to the United States in 2009 as a mere 18 year old without the ability to speak a proper sentence in English, the only weapons I was equipped were vigorous determination and an audacious spirit. I chose to double major in Physics and Electrical Engineering (EE), since combining the profundity of physics and the practicality of Electrical Engineering appealed to me. I thoroughly enjoyed my core curriculum and proved myself to be consummate student overcoming language and cultural barriers. Notwithstanding that I was encouraged to pick power engineering as my EE concentration due to curriculum restraints and course compatibility, I had an intrinsic enthusiasm towards a concentration on computer science. Nevertheless as I was going through an exploratory phase in the subject of electrical engineering, I choose to continue with the power engineering concentration and held off my passion towards computer science.

As a graduate student today with bachelor’s degrees in Electrical Engineering and Physics, I believe now my opportunity has arrived to pursue that inclination towards computer science I felt three years ago. Since then I have been through multiple academic and professional experiences that convinced me more and more that a profession in computer science is the ideal career choice that I can see myself in ten years from now. I have exposed myself to every possible experience that was available to me in every preferred subject choice for a career. I participated in active research sponsored by the Department of Defense in the field of Physics; I was blessed with an opportunity to participate in invaluable astrophysics research for the National Undergraduate Research Laboratory (NURO) sponsored by NASA; I completed an internship as an Automation protection engineer at Schweitzer Engineering Laboratories. While these research assistantships and internships, matured and molded me into an industry professional from an unworldly college student, I was still surrounded by the dubiousness of “Is this what I should be doing in 10 years from now?” and was still seeking for an answer.

Through my coursework and industrial experiences I was introduced to certain aspects of computer programming and information systems in which I felt an instant grasp on the matter. During my internship as a power engineer I enjoyed programming a communication relay using C++ more than actually connecting the relay to a transformer system. During my research work I enjoyed manipulating equations using MATLAB and Mathematica over laboratory work. Therefore, once I was seeking employment as a college graduate I was inclined towards a career related to computer science and information technology despite the fact that I lack the knowledge and experience of a computer science graduate. Currently I am employed as a Solutions/Network engineer at Sprint Corporation and my work here focuses mainly on developing wireless and wire-line solutions for customers, which includes a significant aspect on computer programming and information systems. While Sprint Corporation provided me with outstanding training and preparation for my work; I still yearn the need for graduate level education in Computer Science and Information Technology in order to succeed in this industry. I witness my peers utilize their college and graduate level education in computer science to significantly contribute to the company increasing the efficiency and profits. As an ambition driven person, I envision a successful career in this industry as a software/network engineer. Thus I feel that the right time has arrived for me to complete my Master’s degree in computers and information systems to fulfill the educational needs I currently do not possess.

The core curriculum of the MCIT program is adequately designed for a student such as myself with minimal prior knowledge on computer programming and I am very impressed with a vast amount of CIS graduate courses you can chose as electives. Through the MCIT program I expect to equip myself with the knowledge I lacked due to being a non-CS undergraduate, and eventually transfer in to the MSE program with a goal of graduating with a Masters in Computer Science degree from the University of Pennsylvania.

Looking back at where I was four years ago, which is relatively a small period of time, I have a strong sense of pride and accomplishment about where I stand today. I mastered the language of the world, completed degrees in two vigorous fields of subject, and gained full-time research and professional experience. While it is quite unrealistic to believe that life might be as linear as I want it to be, I have a strong certitude about my academic and professional accomplishments in years to come. An academic career at your esteemed department is a crucial component for my vision on where I will be in ten years and I am very aspirant towards it.

[lgwslp]

Just a few grammatical changes, just my opinion though! Well written. Maybe focus a little bit on why you would be a good asset to their program, more than just what you will gain from the program.. What can you bring to the table? Looks great though! Good luck to you. 

 

This question laid the foundation for my decisions and ambitions in the past and will continue to do so in the future.

 

the only weapons I was equipped with were vigorous determination and an audacious spirit

 

Thus I feel that the right time has arrived for me to complete my Master’s degree in computers and information systems to fulfill the educational needs I do not currently do not possess.

 

I mastered the language of the world - maybe just say mastered the English language. 

 

two vigorous fields of subject  study

[girlengineer]

Thank you for the input Lwill. I went back and made those changes.

 

The thing with this degree is, it's not like a Phd or a MSC in CS where I can contribute to the program. It's a career change program for people with no prior knowledge on CS. With that being said, I don't know what to write on how I would contribute to the program because honestly my CS knowledge is very limited. Also, I don't know if they expect students on this program to contribute at all. Please correct me if I am wrong.

[lgwslp]

Ah okay, that makes sense then. Hmm, well I think you talked about how you were determined and hard working, and i'd just mention something about bringing that to the program, and you deserve a spot for that reason. Is it pretty competitive? I'm sure you'll be accepted either way! My field (speech pathology) is very competitive, and they always want to know what you can bring to the field - so I just think it's important to talk about your strong points, which you have! 

[deci:belle]

edit : I was going to say what @Lwill said but whoops I see what you are saying now

Edited March 4, 2014 by deciBELLE

[girlengineer]

Yes, LWIll it is pretty competitive. Anybody else with opinions? Please

[Dedi]

The content looks fine, but the way it is conveyed may give a reader some trouble, especially a professor that looks through hundreds of applications. At some areas when I was reading this I was thinking, "get to the point..." I'm not sure about the computer science field, but Life Science majors are usually expected to be concise and clear. This statement is too...wordy in my opinion.

 

So, for example (I just picked a random sentence):

 

While these research assistantships and internships, matured and molded me into an industry professional from an unworldly college student, I was still surrounded by the dubiousness of “Is this what I should be doing in 10 years from now?” and was still seeking for an answer.

 

This is what I would write:

While these research assistantships and internships matured and molded me into an industry professional, I still wondered if this what I should be doing 10 years from now.

 

This reduces your word count from 46 to 28, gives the same content, and is easy on the eyes.

 

One more example to exemplify my point:

 

When I came to the United States in 2009 as a mere 18 year old without the ability to speak a proper sentence in English, the only weapons I was equipped were vigorous determination and an audacious spirit.

 

I would write:

When I arrived in the United States with a limited English vocabulary, I was equipped with only vigorous determination and an audacious spirit.

 

38 words to 23. Don't make words for the sake of making words.

 

I hope this helps. Good luck with applications.