Cold Feet?

[wednesday]

I'm not sure that I made the right decision in choosing between different offers. Unfortunately I sent in my acceptance and denials on april 15, so there is probably not much I can do about it. I would just let it go, but I feel physically sick with remorse and am having trouble concentrating on anything else. I was choosing between two different approaches to my interests, and now that I chose, I just lost all interest in those approaches because I don't think they are very marketable. Without going into detail on pros/cons of each school, I am just wondering what my realistic options are.

It's been about a week since I accepted/declined. I know it would look bad to ask the school I declined for a second chance, and it would not be fun asking to get out of the school I accepted. At this point, it is likely that the school I declined has admitted someone else for that position. But my gut is screaming at me that I made the wrong choice, and I might forever regret not even asking for a second chance.

The other option I see is to continue with my original choice, and see how it goes. The problem is I realized that I will probably have a very hard time finding an academic position coming from this school, and even though they are doing the research I thought I wanted to do, it seems sort of isolated and not conducive to getting hired. How difficult/impossible/frowned upon is it to transfer schools after starting in a PhD program? It is very likely that I will really fit in and enjoy the research and people at this school, which is why I picked it. But I am having crippling second thoughts on my life after graduating from here.

I just can't believe I turned down one of the offers, and it's eating me up that I may have made the wrong choice. What I'm really asking is, would it be better to ask the school I declined for a second chance, with a small probability that I can still attend (albeit with my flip-flopping hanging over me), OR should I stick it out and consider transferring if the school I picked is as really as isolated as I am feeling now? Sticking it out would give me the chance to further explore my interests, and have a better idea of exactly what I want to work on and how. I am thinking I could try it out for a year or even through the masters, and if I really hate it then I can try transferring/applying to other schools more aligned with my career goals. How feasible is this?

Thanks.

[studybunny]

Dear Wednesday,

I just wanted to write to let you know that I, too, feel very ambivalent about my acceptance of a program and am already planning for the contingency of having to leave if it doesn't work out. If the program you accepted offers an MA along the way, it is acceptable to take that and then re-apply to other programs later on. The odds are harder on MA students, generally, but some schools prefer them for their greater research experience. I had a friend who debated about two Ph.D. programs until the last minute, picked one in panic, and regretted it. She called the declined school a few days later and the offer was gone. But, a year later, she successfully transferred to a third program of equal quality. For myself, this gives me hope. Perhaps it will for you as well. My vote is to call the school you declined and ask (anonymously, even) if they still have a slot open for a prospective who declined or if everything has been given away to waitlistees. If they still have a spot, be unashamed about asking for it back if that's what you really want. But realize, too, that "crippling self doubt" is sort of par for the course with graduate school and that something made you pick that other program. Go with your heart. You're young and will feel better that you tried to get back into the other program if that's what you really want, I think. And if the spot is gone, you can transfer with MA as stated above.

[Hopelessly_Neurotic]

I think it's possible that you made the right choice but because you no longer have a choice you are feeling doubt/panic/worry. Ask yourself, if the school you turned down actually gave you a second chance, are you 100% sure you would take the offer? If yes, then ask them. If they say no, learn to embrace the choice you made and make the most of it. Perhaps this is a sign that you aren't ready to commit to grad school at this time.

[plisar]

This is why I tried to make decisions as soon as possible. The earlier you say no, the easier it is to feel better about your choice.

[liszt85]

Glad to know that there are others like me who are not entirely sure about their decisions. Hope its all for the best. If at all something does turn out wrong, I'm sure we'll find a way out at that time (transfer, etc).

[fuzzylogician]

Glad to know that there are others like me who are not entirely sure about their decisions.

I think it's normal to feel unsure of your decision and it's actually a very common feeling--I know I had a period of about two weeks where I seriously doubted my decision. The application process is so intense and the wait is so stressful, the decision is a little anticlimactic compared to all that. Just like that, one day it's over, and I think a lot of us were left with a lot of unresolved anxiety that built up during the process. Those feelings have to be worked out somehow, and it's probably only natural that they come out as unsure feelings about our choice. I don't know about you (well, I do, liszt85, but generally speaking ), but I had that period of deliberation where I wasn't sure what I wanted to do and made pro-con lists, but in the end I came a clear conclusion of what was best for me. And for a while there I felt like it was the best choice and I was excited. Then I became worried and unexcited. But I worked through it and now I'm back to feeling (sort of) excited. I'm still working on getting back to that point of elation after finally sending the email accepting MIT's offer and feeling the rush of "being done with it", but at least intellectually I know it's the right choice for me. In any case, if for some reason it turns out that I made a mistake, I'll resolve it then. I'm sure that there are ways to start over or transfer, it can't be that one decision gone wrong can doom my whole career!

[liszt85]

In any case, if for some reason it turns out that I made a mistake, I'll resolve it then. I'm sure that there are ways to start over or transfer, it can't be that one decision gone wrong can doom my whole career!

This is where I'm with you. I chose OSU even though I have very little idea about what research I'll end up doing as my primary adviser is fixed and some of my funding comes from his grants. His research is on topics (that do look interesting) that are probably more traditional and safe areas in terms of future job prospects but I want to be working in a very specialized subfield which none of the faculty there really do. The departments that do research in those fields rejected my application except for Northwestern where the research is amazing and fits very well with what I'd like to be doing but I declined their offer and I cannot help but think that that may have been a mistake. I chose OSU for various reasons: cost of living, better health care package (esp for the spouse), better chances for my wife to enter a program, preferred a laid back life in Columbus than life in a big scary city like Chicago (esp for my wife since she's never been more than 8kms from her home at any point of time so far in her life! I know it'll come as a shock to many of you, but there are cultural factors such as these that I had to take into consideration), very famous guy (who is at the moment pissed off) in another dept who does exactly the kind of work that I wish to be doing, so I hope to get to do a project or two with him and that will get me all the post doc positions I need to turn my research in that direction. Once I achieve that, my PhD thesis in the traditional area will make me competitive for tenure track jobs + my post doc experience in this specialized subfield (which is expected to rise in a big way in the next decade or so) should make me a competitive applicant later on. That is my key to intellectual freedom as I see it because once I get a good position, I can start a research lab and study what I want

High Hopes.

Then again, was declining NU a mistake? I'll not know until I start my life at OSU. If something bad happens, I'll deal with it then. It bugs me when people ask me with mouths agape about why I declined a better ranked program from a more reputed university.. and I normally don't have a very good answer to give them. My referee here, a Professor of Linguistics, tried her best to get me to accept NU but I didn't. So I chose OSU against everybody else's idea of what was good for me (and probably mine too). So there.. the conundrum continues.

[fuzzylogician]

It bugs me when people ask me with mouths agape about why I declined a better ranked program from a more reputed university.. and I normally don't have a very good answer to give them. My referee here, a Professor of Linguistics, tried her best to get me to accept NU but I didn't. So I chose OSU against everybody else's idea of what was good for me (and probably mine too). So there.. the conundrum continues.

Absolutely every linguistics professor I know (about 10 or so of them in two different countries) and some potential advisers at US schools I withdrew from, but kept in touch with, thought I should go to UMass. I get very strange reactions from people when I tell them I chose to go to MIT. You can't say that MIT is ranked lower than UMass or falls behind in any other respect, but nevertheless I get a very surprised "huh!!" followed by a "I thought you'd go to a more semantic-y school". I don't think MIT semantics is all that shabby (wouldn't go there if I did) but honestly I just could not see myself being happy living in Northampton and that was enough to let go of (probably) a better character/personality match with the department as a whole. I don't think I made a mistake, because I value my private life outside academia just as much as my professional life, and I had a distinct feeling while visiting Northampton that I would not enjoy living there. But who knows, I might be back here a year from now crying about unfriendliness and not getting along with faculty. We'll see.

[engguy]

the best thing for all you cold-feeters to do is suck it up, take a deep breath, log off the computer (at least gradcafe) for a good week or two, and just deal with it. the feelings of remorse over your decision may never go away entirely, but they will lessen over time. soon enough, you'll be so busy that you won't have time to think about it.

and for liszt specifically -- i've sort of followed your decision process here and am familiar with your reasons -- you've got to let it go, man. first off, osu is not such a far cut below nu that it's really going to make a difference in the long run; certainly not in your field. you went for the security and the choice for your whole family and while one might argue with the long vs. short-term benefits of that, it is what it is. move on.

if it's any consolation, i chose a lesser-ranked prog. last year for similar reasons and have been absolutely wracked with doubt ever since in many ways -- went through all the stages everyone here is talking about. wished i'd had more time, wished i'd thought about it more, wished i could go back and do it over again. but as spring draws to a close, there are many things i'm doing here, now, that i know i wouldn't have been able to do at the other program. also, after many hardships and trials, my SO actually did manage to get into a nearby program, which would never have been possible if we'd stayed where we were. so it seems to have all worked out.

trust me, once you stop torturing yourself, you'll feel the same.

[liszt85]

Engguy, I guess you're right. I gave the package that NU sent to me (including papers by faculty) to my professor. Don't want to see it anymore..will remind me of what could have been

[nandelle]

I totally agree with fuzzylogician's comments on this whole process. After months (years, sometimes) of the application process, committing to attending a school is extremely anticlimactic. Also, I think that it's perfectly natural to feel a certain amount of anxiety about committing to grad school - it is, after all, kind of a large decision! If people usually experience some form of buyer's remorse over car purchases, for example...who's to say it wouldn't be worse with grad school? After all, you handpicked the schools you wanted to apply to, spent hours crafting essays about how much you wanted to go there, how it would be awesome to be there, etc...no wonder it's really easy to feel unsure, after having made a decision, if you made the *right* decision.

For me, too...I was so focused on getting *into* grad school, that once I accepted it really hit me that I was going to have to actually be a grad student in the fall. It may sound strange, but I was suddenly worried about reviewing, and doing well in the classes, and what about my job, etc. It's weird to make the transition from applying to grad school to going to grad school (at least it was for me). I was suddenly really nervous about studying all these things that I'd been so psyched about doing in the fall.

Honestly, for me it was worse when I committed to my undergrad institution. It came down to two schools that both had strong positives and negatives, and I took a bit of a gamble. And it worked out great. I also have no doubt that I would have loved the other school though, too. So it's sometimes necessary to take a step back and realize that you're in a great spot - really, there aren't wrong choices.

I suggest you go back and revisit all the reasons you applied to the school you're going to, and the reasons why you chose it. Make yourself excited about going there - even if it's your safety, there's got to be a reason why you chose it, eh? There's a silver lining to everything. Trust me - if you were going to the other university, you'd probably be having feelings of anxiety about your decision here.

I wouldn't e-mail unless you're 100% sure that if they said that they still had a spot open, you'd take it and never look back. Otherwise, I think that there's obviously a reason you chose the school you did, and once you get there and doing work, I bet you'll regain interest and do great work!

Best of luck with everything!

[wednesday]

OK, well, I called the other university and asked to switch, and they let me back in! Now I'm not looking back.

[fuzzylogician]

Wow.. good luck! I hope you are feeling whole about your decision now.