Live with family or on my own for Grad School?

[GoldenRyujin]

No, I asked my dad again and he simply repeated what he said before in that I will not be allowed to stay here for the semester. I've been over everything with him at least 3x now and the only thing that changes is his anger level.

 

And I forgot to mention my vehicle has been anything but reliable given what I told you in my most recent post. You guys were right in that this car thats close to 200,000 miles "can be a litle wonky" trusting it to get me through long trips multiple times a week. Its been having issues all 2014 long and its still having a serious issue of randomly not being able to start and now a gurgling sound is coming out of my engine. My dad's car has been having constant problems as well, and my stepmoms car had a problem in April where the whole computer system had to be replaced and some other things that ended up costing more than some decent used cars you can buy. I was just out looking for jobs today and the damn thing wouldn't start on me when I was turning in job applications in the city. Took near 15 min to coax it to starting.

 

Pretty much the only person I can really talk to about this is my mom, who doesn't just end up erupting in a rage and actually listen to me. Shes told me multiple times that she would let me live with her if it were her house, but unfortunately that is not the case.

 

You know how my grandma is and my dad is basically very similar to her it seems now, just prone to constant anger , berating me over past ills, and not listening to me. He was a lot nicer towards me in college but I'm starting to see this rage side of him I tried to avoid my whole childhood.

 

I get what you're saying shadowclaw, I know its my fault for not trying to see as early as possible whether I could live with my grandma or not. I made the mistake of going by how she treated me prior to living with her, when I really didn't have any idea how she would act when I actually tried to live with her .  If I had been smart about the issue I would have just gone to financial aid office as soon as possible and asked them for as big of a loan to cover housing and a basic meal plan . But then again there's no way back in May when I was accepted that I would have believed that I'd be shown the boot by my closest family members.

[shadowclaw]

I don't want to sound like I'm putting the blame on you! I've heard the phrase "hindsight is 20/20" lots of times, and it's quite true. It was something that you just didn't think about back then and you obviously felt that your whole family (grandmother included) would be supportive of you.

 

One thing I don't entirely understand is why your father is so dead set against you staying with him. From your previous posts, it sounded like he wanted to help you in anyway he could (i.e. paying for gas, car repairs), so I find it so strange that he won't help you now when you are having such a difficult time with living arrangements. I'm also not sure why it makes a difference if you are in school or on break. I would think it would be preferable to have you living there during the semester, since you won't actually be there that much. However, I'm not you and I don't know exactly what's going on in your life or that of your family. I hope you are able to find a solution!

[GoldenRyujin]

Thanks, I hope I can find a solution too. I know he recently got a new job that he says pays less money than the previous one, but I don't know if that's the reason why my dad became so defensive about me staying here. You have a great point because that's exactly what my mom said, she never expected him kick me out without giving me a chance. I mean, even as mean spirited as my grandmother has been she still agreed to let me live there for a semester. And I'm only going to one class 1 time a week (2 classes alternate thursdays one week online next week offline, and I'm taking 1 online class so 3 total) instead of 2 days a week so the total distance per week seems very comparable .

 

Living far away from school with a bum car and angry relatives was simply not the way to go it seems. Its great that some people 21+ can make it work to live with their relatives smoothly but doesn't seem to work quite well with me.

[nugget]

When I initally asked to live there she was quite pissed looking and she said these words "Well I don't have a choice do I?" once I asked her to live with her and my mom in August. I think its only because my mom really tried hard to help me persuade her to live there, she's did it more as a favor for my mom than me I guess.  I just had an immediate feeling that she didn't want me there and things weren't going to go smoothly, and they did not. 

 

I've gotten into arguments with her on a regular basis and she seems to try to keep reminding me verbally and non verbally that she doesn't like the fact I'm living there. She loves listening to her loud TV at night and a good bit during the day (very small house her room is right next to mine) and I have told her repeatedly that it's too loud for me to be able to concentrate. She refuses to do anything I ask because "its my house and I do what I want in my house. Be grateful I even let you live here!" I told her that the libraries in my city are full of idiots rapping and arguing with each other and its not at atmosphere conductive to studying but she wouldn't budge. So its hard for me to study there and I only had gas to go to school 2 days a week for class attendance.

 

Sorry to hear this has been difficult for you. I hope you will find a job soon. I wanted to comment on your points made about your grandmother. You are an adult now and your grandmother is not obligated to house you (and perhaps cook and pay for your groceries too, you did not say). This is why it does not surprise me that she refuses to lower the volume on the tv. She clearly does not want dependents in the home and does not want to change her lifestyle, which she told you  last summer before you even moved in. I hope you will find a job on time and that the loan will come through quickly. If things get really bad, you may wish to consider taking a leave of absence for a semester to sort out your troubles, as it seems to be impacting your academic performance (based on a couple of things you mentioned here). Best of luck.

Edited January 9, 2015 by jenste

[GoldenRyujin]

Thanks. Looking back on it, I should have taken that red flag right when she said "I don't have a choice" and made the decision to go strait to financial aid to get a bigger loan for housing, maybe I was too optimistic or simply just ignorant of what its like to live with her.

 

I'm just sick of living on other people's terms and on the whimsical mercy of their ability to treat me badly or kick me out whenever they feel like it. I even feel like an unwanted stranger in this house that I had lived in since 8th grade with my dad ,(- undergrad college anyway) the only people who seem to welcome my presence is my 5 and 7 year old siblings (who are blissfully ignorant and unable to pick up on the tense atmosphere at home) and my mother who's actually really helping me try to find a job and the only adult encouraging me and not constantly reminding me of past failures right now. If had the $ I'd be rolling out of this city at the crack of dawn to show up at closest apartment complex to grad school to give myself the best chance to succeed..

 

Yeah I'll need to take leave of absence or temporarily withdraw (if my program allows those things) if my dad indeed kicks me out like he stated sometime next week and by then I'll be on the streets somewhere focusing on basic survival instead of grad school.   

       

I'm sorry if I sound really negative to anyone who reads this, I'm still trying to stay positive and keep my head up above water through this situation.

[drownsoda]

Just want to reiterate the fact that it's not black and white. It ultimately depends on what you're willing to deal with in terms of debt down the road. I lived with family during my undergrad because I attended a university downtown not too far from where my dad lived, and I saved a LOT of money doing so. I am graduating with my B.A. with about $11k in loans, total. The rest of my education was paid for with grants and out of my pocket (I've worked waiting tables for the past five years). Not to say $11k isn't a lot of money, but compared to what some of my friends have spent on Bachelor's degrees, it's dirt. I know people who went to private schools for undergrad and took out $50k+ each YEAR in loans.

 

Fast forward to now, I'm currently applying to graduate programs, all of which are out of state, so I won't have the opportunity to be with family. Supposing I get in, I'll probably opt to live on campus, or at least close by, but I don't have major qualms about going into debt since my undergrad didn't cost me that much.

 

My whole thing is, I don't want to even THINK about money while I'm in graduate school. I don't care if I have to drown myself in student debt (hopefully I'll get some sort of funding, but if worst comes to worst...), I cannot let myself stress over cash because I know I'll be consumed enough with my studies.

 

 If I were you, I'd give living with family a shot and see how compatible it is with your graduate school experience. If it's not working, move. 

Edited January 9, 2015 by drownsoda

[Icecream]

I would just move close to campus so that you can focus on the program.  You might even be able to find a small part time job with the hours that you would have spent commuting, and find that the costs balance out.  Focus on the program and bulilding relationships, esp with your professors, is impt. esp if you want to apply to a PhD program.