Please evaluate my SOP for comp science

[navi1990]

            I understand and believe in the statement of D’Angelo’s, “Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow”. The purpose of my application for a Masters in Information Systems at xxx is to extend my knowledge in the area of Information system security. A Masters from this course is the best chance for unifying my interest and enables endless possibilities to my career. I have set my career objective to become a leading and distinctive expert in the corporate industry based on System securities. I am confident that along with my talent and abilities, the program will help me understand real world scenarios and issues in the field. I am confident that I will match the high standards set by your university.

 

A Bachelor’s Degree in Electronics and Communication Engineering in Magna College of Engineering, affiliated to the prestigious Anna University, Chennai saw me getting through a well planned educational system and a disciplined academic life. During my pre-final year, I developed interest in Computer Networks and Microprocessors. I attended a conference on Network and Security Management that was organized by SUN MICROSYSTEMS, which enlightened me about the boundless opportunities this stream has to offer.

 

I wanted my undergraduate final year project to be unique and innovative. The project aimed at controlling room temperature with very less energy consumption and to be eco-friendly. To achieve this, I used ARM 7 processor, peltier element and GSM module was used as an ice topping for controlling the device remotely. My primary role is to code in Embedded C .The 6+ months dedicated work was widely appreciated by my electronics department and was awarded the best project for 2011.

             I signed up for embedded course to enhance my software and hardware skills. As I was developing interest in programming, I enrolled for a course in Web Component Development using Java Technologies at NIIT ltd which helped me understand and appreciate object oriented principles. I did a certification in Oracle Certified Professional, Java SE 6 Programmer (OCJP) certification scoring 70% and also a certification on Microsoft SQL database development certifying as Microsoft Certified Technology Specialist with a score rate of 86%. The continued interest made me to land in IT sector.

 

             I was offered a job at Accel Frontline Ltd specializing on BFSI domain. I was rigorously trained on core banking system, functional architecture, Oracle installation and data management and had hands on training in PL/SQL. After I was credited for my performance in the training session, I was given the opportunity to work for an agricultural and rural Indian bank for a period of one year on migrating data from its legacy stack to Finacle core banking system.

 

            I helped in finding flaws on client’s implementation in loan and trade finance modules through requirement analysis and was able to provide technical solution for achieving zero-defects. Having an expertise in the process involved in core system transformation, I was able to troubleshoot and research the cause of defects in customized trade finance modules although I had limited exposure on the subject. I also had the opportunity to closely work with the client during UAT period where I was appreciated for my methodical approach in product parameterization and batch job set ups. I had an opportunity to train my colleagues through knowledge transfer session on how to achieve zero-defect modules.

 

             After obtaining an in-depth functional understanding on trade finance module, I was put into next assignment to lead a group of four members on reports track for Mauritius client, State Bank of Mauritius. My nature of work ranges from providing feasibility study on the requirement, preparation of design specification documents and documenting the project on a regular basis. I have had numerous experiences in interaction with Quality Analysis team which provided me the exposure to the actual metrics of my projects and to ensure quality compliance.

             I have understood the importance of value-addition. I view this application as a positive step to educate myself to play a significant role in this field. I am confident that my talent and abilities will be relevant to my academic interest. This course would give me an opportunity to interact and network with likeminded individuals. To scale new heights, I want to reinforce my positive experiences and success to become a highly capable individual and an effective leader through this course.

 

The growth of a person is determined by the place where he is educated. I wish to educate myself in xxx so that the university will help in my growth. This application marks beginning of my far-reaching journey and I am confident that the wholesome education that I receive at your university will stand me in good stead throughout my career.

                                                                                                          

[Dedi]

I'm a little suspicious about your SOP. Last time I saw an SOP that changed font in the middle of it I was suspicious too, but didn't think much of it. Turns out the person basically copied and pasted lines from a SOP example from a website. Please don't do that. If you make it as obvious as this (with the font change in the middle of the SOP), the adcom will know and will throw out your app. Simple as that.

 

Edit: The SOP itself gives me more of a rehash of your CV than reflecting on what you've done. It's impersonal.

Edited June 16, 2014 by Dedi

[GeoDUDE!]

You spend to much time talking about what you have done and almost no time on what you will do. Its a statement of purpose, not a personal history. State the purpose for which you want to enroll in this program. 

[navi1990]

@Dedi - Thanks for ur keen observation.Ur point is taken.Well FYI it wasn't a copy paste line. Sorted out the problem as I had saved the same doc in two different font styles. 

 

@GeoDUDE! - Thanks for ur review.

 

Will make the necessary changes ASAP n post it again.

[PeakPerformance]

You are not giving nearly enough attention to explaining why you are applying to a particular school. This section must be different for each school and should demonstrate that you aware of what this school has to offer/what makes it unique and why you would be a good fit for the particular school.

 

You might consider having your SOP professionally edited by a native English speaker when you are finished.

Edited July 1, 2014 by PeakPerformance