Please Grade My essay (my first Post on this forum)

[shilpityagi]

This is my First post on this forum as I have only recently started preparing for GRE. This is the first essay I have written after following the guidelines form ETS.

 

The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.
"Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

 

The author of the letter suggests that the decrease in the number of shoppers in central plaza is the direct result of the increasing popularity of skateboarding. He also directly relates the decline in the business to the increased number of skateboard users in the mall. The most extreme relation the author makes is that the skateboarders litter and vandalize the mall. While there is no denying that a mall is no place for skateboarding, the author’s argument is inadequate.


Firstly, there could be several other reasons for decline in the number of shoppers over the past two years. There is a possibility that the economy is not very doing well for the past 2 years and therefore the purchasing power of the locality where the mall is located has declined, which will essentially lead to less shopping activities. The dynamics of the locality in which the mall is located could have also changed. It could have been a rich locality but might have gradually turned into a middle class locality within past two years resulting in lower shopping activity. Author needs to specify if the dynamics of economy and the income group of the locality have or have not changed.


Secondly, the author needs to provide concrete evidence that skateboarders actually sway away the shoppers. Are the shoppers really bothered by them? Do we surely know that? Probably the quality of the mall has gone down, some good shops have been closed, good food is no more available in the food court etc. The author will need to present some solid evidence to justify his statement that the shoppers dislike the skateboarders. Perhaps a few interviews from the current shoppers and the mall employees could have helped strengthen author’s statement.


Lastly,the author very boldly suggests that the skateboarders litter and vandalize the mall while he does not present any proof to support his statement. The litter could be the result of poor mall management. It is equally plausible that the cleaning staffs are doing a sloppy job and the management has failed to supervise it. Vandalism could be the result of other trouble making group. Author needs to support his claim with comments from eye witnesses or Camera footage.


Overall, the skateboarders might be a nuisance for the mall shoppers but to the extent that they would stop going to the mall altogether, is not evident from the given information. The author’s argument is not likely to persuade the administration to ban the skateboarders from visiting the mall unless he supports it with some more valid information.

[PeakPerformance]

While you do a good job identifying the reasons in the argument, you are not identifying the main claim the different reasons are working to support (until the final sentence), and thus not really addressing the argument at all. You need to begin your essay by identifying the main claim: the author is arguing that the city prohibit skateboarding at Central Mall Plaza and believes that as a result business will return to previous high levels. While you correctly question the assumptions that the skateboarders are responsible for both the decline in business and vandalism, you will not get a 4 if you can't accurately identify the main claim up front and show how each point you make calls into question the main claim.

 

Your first and second paragraphs should be combined because they are addressing the same point and you need a paragraph that addresses the assumption within the main claim. That is, even if the skateboarders were responsible for the decline in business and vandalism and even if the city did prohibit skateboarding, it is still problematic to assume that business would return to previous levels. Some businesses may lose money without the skateboarders (e.g., food businesses), some customers may not return, etc.

Edited July 4, 2014 by PeakPerformance