Help a Prospective Grad Student out!

[Carlouuus]

Dear friends,

 

I recently graduated from Universidad Iberoamericana in Mexico, I majored both in History and Sociology.

 

I've been working on my grad school application for a while now and I'm having some troubles when it comes to write  a competitive SOP, mostly because I'm not a native speaker, thus I may not be expressing coherently what I'm actually trying to say. 

 

 

So here it my first draft, I will deeply appreciate your comments/critiques/ corrections.

 

Thank you!

 

I never truly understood the meaning of multiculturalism until I found myself riding the subway in New York City. Ferdinand Braudel’s idea of an Economie-Monde deeply delved into me while I was walking across the New York Harbor for the first time.  To me, a prospective Historian born and raised in Cocoyoc,[1] the vitality of those experiences is both intellectually and aesthetically appealing. Moreover, they create an overwhelming urge to be a part of the world that produced them.

            Nevertheless, my interest in the in the Dual MA/MSc in International and World History does not only arise from the yearning to reenact those experiences. My academic interest comes from two realms. First, I have a keen interest in the relationship between geographical space, politics and History; Specifically, how the Roman Mediterranean, the Spanish colonization of the Americas or the nineteenth century’s Empires have modified the world’s geographical organization, the world’s balance of power and the global economical affairs. Second, I have an acute interest in Post colonialism. In particular, the postcolonial nations’ political developments in South Asia, Northern Africa and Latin America. In consequence, to attend a Masters program that intrinsically integrates the latter interests is an utterly important step in my academic development.

            Regarding my Undergraduate education, it is in my best interest to point out the following aspects: First, that the History Department at Universidad Iberoamericana has its intellectual foundation within the Critical Theory: Colonial and Postcolonial studies constitute essential guidelines in our Core Curriculum. Hence, my academic’s formation keystones were the analysis of cultural representations, discursive constructs and their relationship with the geographical spaces that produced them.

Furthermore, I partook in Professor Cristina Torales’ research project regarding commercial and scientific relationships between Europe, the Philippines and the New Spain, throughout the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries. Specifically, I researched Jose Antonio Alzate’s astronomic and botanical work and its reception at the French Academy of Sciences as well as at the Royal Botanical Garden of Madrid. My research produced an article that contributed to a self-published book that compiled other undergrads’ articles on the New Spain’s transatlantic scientific and commercial relations.

One of my most important academic achievements was being selected as a speaker at the 2014 History Forum at Universidad Iberoamericana. There, I will have present my final dissertation on the biopolitical measures during India’s State of Emergency between 1975 and 1977.

Because I was in the top 1% of my class, my University granted me the opportunity to study abroad. During the spring of 2013, I attended Fordham University in New York. I was able to obtain a 3.08 GPA, while facing a complete different curriculum framework and most importantly, a different society, culture and language. However, the horizons, the knowledge, skills and mindset that I acquired during that brief period greatly exceed, in terms of personal value, my academic outcome.

Currently, I divide my time between my teaching job, extracurricular activities, doing social service at the community center “Casa Menses” and taking my last class at Universidad Iberoamericana. Being a teacher has played a major role in the decision to go Graduate School.  In addition, it has helped defining the career I want to pursue in life.

As a World History teacher my duty is to transmit to the students the idea that a historical change represents an aggregate of multiple connections: For example, American modern architecture cannot be understood without analyzing the financial and cultural relations between the Weimar Republic and the United States. In my future academic career, I want to explore the multiplicity of elements and relations that partake in the way the world has been shaped.

Therefore, I want to become a Professor at an institution of higher learning, to fully inquire into the modern world’s historicity. After obtaining a Masters degree, I plan to pursue a PhD. In addition, I plan to combine my academic work with a career in journalism, focused in international current affairs.

Recently, I got involved in the United States and Mexican relations, as an academic and political subject. Consequently, I will have the opportunity to represent Mexico as a delegate at the Forum for Cooperation, Understanding and Solidarity that will take place at Stanford University and Instituto Tecnológico Autónomo de México in the subsequent months. This year’s forum aims to bolster commercial and business relations between the United States and Mexico.

            There are two main topics that I want to pursue in graduate school: The postcolonial nation’s political developments and biopolitics.  Regarding the first point, I want to explore how postcolonial nations have modified the world’s geopolitical organization. Specifically, I want to answer the following questions along throughout that exploration: How did the decolonization process modify the balance of power in the twentieth century? Moreover, how are the core-periphery relations organized in a Postcolonial Era?

            In terms of biopolitics, I want to explore the way that governments throughout the twentieth century have exercised power over human life: their aims and results. Particularly, I am interested in how population growth and control have become a global issue as well as a central matter for emerging nation.

            On account of the latter interests is that I want to enroll the Dual MA/MSc in International and World History. As a further matter, faculty members like Professor Connelly, Professor Rao, Professor Sherman and Professor Jones are specialists on the subjects I am interested in. In addition, I have been deeply inspired by Professor Coatsworth’s and Professor Piccato’s work on the economical, social and cultural change in Mexico throughout the nineteenth century’s last decades and the twentieth century’s first decades.

            Lastly, I want to attend to Columbia and London School of Economics, because I want to receive a world-class education and a global perspective on current affairs.  The latter matters are essential for Mexico, as a developing country. My purpose is not exclusively academic: I want to take part in Mexico’s political and social development.  

[1] Cocoyoc is a small town in the north-central part of the Mexican state of Morelos.

 

[victorydance]

First of all, on a basic level your writing is fine; especially for a second language.

 

However, I really think you need to work on your transitions. Both from sentence to sentence, and paragraph transitions. Your writing is "choppy." I'll copy and paste your SOP and bold what I am talking about to show you what I mean:

 

I never truly understood the meaning of multiculturalism until I found myself riding the subway in New York City. Ferdinand Braudel’s idea of an Economie-Monde deeply delved into me while I was walking across the New York Harbor for the first time.  To me, a prospective Historian born and raised in Cocoyoc, the vitality of those experiences is both intellectually and aesthetically appealing. Moreover, they create an overwhelming urge to be a part of the world that produced them.

            Nevertheless, my interest in the in the Dual MA/MSc in International and World History does not only arise from the yearning to reenact those experiences. My academic interest comes from two realms. First, I have a keen interest in the relationship between geographical space, politics and History; Specifically, how the Roman Mediterranean, the Spanish colonization of the Americas or the nineteenth century’s Empires have modified the world’s geographical organization, the world’s balance of power and the global economical affairs. Second, I have an acute interest in Post colonialism. In particular, the postcolonial nations’ political developments in South Asia, Northern Africa and Latin America. In consequence, to attend a Masters program that intrinsically integrates the latter interests is an utterly important step in my academic development.

            Regarding my Undergraduate education, it is in my best interest to point out the following aspects: First, that the History Department at Universidad Iberoamericana has its intellectual foundation within the Critical Theory: Colonial and Postcolonial studies constitute essential guidelines in our Core Curriculum. Hence, my academic’s formation keystones were the analysis of cultural representations, discursive constructs and their relationship with the geographical spaces that produced them.

Furthermore, I partook in Professor Cristina Torales’ research project regarding commercial and scientific relationships between Europe, the Philippines and the New Spain, throughout the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries. Specifically, I researched Jose Antonio Alzate’s astronomic and botanical work and its reception at the French Academy of Sciences as well as at the Royal Botanical Garden of Madrid. My research produced an article that contributed to a self-published book that compiled other undergrads’ articles on the New Spain’s transatlantic scientific and commercial relations.

One of my most important academic achievements was being selected as a speaker at the 2014 History Forum at Universidad Iberoamericana. There, I will have present my final dissertation on the biopolitical measures during India’s State of Emergency between 1975 and 1977.

Because I was in the top 1% of my class, my University granted me the opportunity to study abroad. During the spring of 2013, I attended Fordham University in New York. I was able to obtain a 3.08 GPA, while facing a complete different curriculum framework and most importantly, a different society, culture and language. However, the horizons, the knowledge, skills and mindset that I acquired during that brief period greatly exceed, in terms of personal value, my academic outcome.

Currently, I divide my time between my teaching job, extracurricular activities, doing social service at the community center “Casa Menses” and taking my last class at Universidad Iberoamericana. Being a teacher has played a major role in the decision to go Graduate School.  In addition, it has helped defining the career I want to pursue in life.

As a World History teacher my duty is to transmit to the students the idea that a historical change represents an aggregate of multiple connections: For example, American modern architecture cannot be understood without analyzing the financial and cultural relations between the Weimar Republic and the United States. In my future academic career, I want to explore the multiplicity of elements and relations that partake in the way the world has been shaped.

Therefore, I want to become a Professor at an institution of higher learning, to fully inquire into the modern world’s historicity. After obtaining a Masters degree, I plan to pursue a PhD. In addition, I plan to combine my academic work with a career in journalism, focused in international current affairs.

Recently, I got involved in the United States and Mexican relations, as an academic and political subject. Consequently, I will have the opportunity to represent Mexico as a delegate at the Forum for Cooperation, Understanding and Solidarity that will take place at Stanford University and Instituto Tecnológico Autónomo de México in the subsequent months. This year’s forum aims to bolster commercial and business relations between the United States and Mexico.

            There are two main topics that I want to pursue in graduate school: The postcolonial nation’s political developments and biopolitics.  Regarding the first point, I want to explore how postcolonial nations have modified the world’s geopolitical organization. Specifically, I want to answer the following questions along throughout that exploration: How did the decolonization process modify the balance of power in the twentieth century? Moreover, how are the core-periphery relations organized in a Postcolonial Era?

            In terms of biopolitics, I want to explore the way that governments throughout the twentieth century have exercised power over human life: their aims and results. Particularly, I am interested in how population growth and control have become a global issue as well as a central matter for emerging nation.

            On account of the latter interests is that I want to enroll the Dual MA/MSc in International and World History. As a further matter, faculty members like Professor Connelly, Professor Rao, Professor Sherman and Professor Jones are specialists on the subjects I am interested in. In addition, I have been deeply inspired by Professor Coatsworth’s and Professor Piccato’s work on the economical, social and cultural change in Mexico throughout the nineteenth century’s last decades and the twentieth century’s first decades.

            Lastly, I want to attend to Columbia and London School of Economics, because I want to receive a world-class education and a global perspective on current affairs.  The latter matters are essential for Mexico, as a developing country. My purpose is not exclusively academic: I want to take part in Mexico’s political and social development.  

 

There is a time and place for those transitions and they definitely have purposes (and some of them you use are perfectly fine). However (see what I did there?), when the majority of your sentences start with these words, you get this choppy effect. And when someone is reading writing like this it doesn't flow in their head, it's always like a start and go process and distracts from your meaning and purpose of your message.

 

You need to work on being pithy and straight-forward. Sentences are stand alone clauses, but they should flow together. You don't have to inherently connect them mechanically like you are doing; but rather, they should connect by their content and flow.

 

My advice? Get rid of most of those and just state what you want to state without them. If it doesn't make logical sense, then add them in. Less transitions is more.

 

Secondly, and this is also tied to the choppiness of your writing, you use too many commas when they are not needed. For example, the sentence "After obtaining a Masters degree, I plan to pursue a PhD": no comma needed. There are many examples of this throughout your SOP. A good trick for learning how to eliminate these redundancies is to speak your letter out loud. When you are reading it out and you have a comma where you wouldn't actually pause in real life, then you don't need a comma there. 

 

Some of your sentences just straight up don't make sense. For example, never start a new paragraph with a dependent clause (for that matter, don't make sentences that don't make complete sense on their own. "On account of the latter interests is that I want to enroll the Dual MA/MSc in International and World History." This sentence doesn't make sense and I am not even sure what it is referring to. I imagine you are trying to say something like "this is why I am applying to X." 

 

-----

 

On a more substantive level, you need to try to tie your interests and potential research inquiries during the program to the professors at Columbia/LSE. Don't just say "Professors X, Y, and Z are professors I am interested in." You need to logically connect your interests (you have somewhat hashed these out already and have questions you are asking, which is good) to that section so that people on the committee see this connection.

 

There is just some parts of this SOP that really don't need to be there. For example, the study abroad part and delegation part, not sure if entirely relevant. What about your dissertation (we can it a thesis here by the way - dissertations are usually full length projects done at the doctoral level)? I think you need to be careful to include and exclude what is relevant and what is not. Pithy is better than too much.

 

-----

 

Espero que te ayude. Buena suerte, solo tiene que seguir trabajando en esto. 

[gorki]

some high level, paragraph-by-paragraph comments. 

 

I never truly understood the meaning of multiculturalism until I found myself riding the subway in New York City. Ferdinand Braudel’s idea of an Economie-Monde deeply delved into me while I was walking across the New York Harbor for the first time.  To me, a prospective Historian born and raised in Cocoyoc,[1] the vitality of those experiences is both intellectually and aesthetically appealing. Moreover, they create an overwhelming urge to be a part of the world that produced them.

 

 Nevertheless, my interest in the in the Dual MA/MSc in International and World History does not only arise from the yearning to reenact those experiences.

 

[cut]

 

            My academic interest comes from two realms. First, I have a keen interest in the relationship between geographical space, politics and History; Specifically, how the Roman Mediterranean, the Spanish colonization of the Americas or the nineteenth century’s Empires have modified the world’s geographical organization, the world’s balance of power and the global economical affairs. Second, I have an acute interest in Post colonialism. In particular, the postcolonial nations’ political developments in South Asia, Northern Africa and Latin America. In consequence, to attend a Masters program that intrinsically integrates the latter interests is an utterly important step in my academic development.

 

 

[better, start something like this, can drop most adverbs]

 

            Regarding my Undergraduate education, it is in my best interest to point out the following aspects: First, that the History Department at Universidad Iberoamericana has its intellectual foundation within the Critical Theory: Colonial and Postcolonial studies constitute essential guidelines in our Core Curriculum. Hence, my academic’s formation keystones were the analysis of cultural representations, discursive constructs and their relationship with the geographical spaces that produced them.

 

[too passive, last sen. can be integrated in last par., or just rephrase as what you got out of ugrad.]

 

Furthermore, I partook in Professor Cristina Torales’ research project regarding commercial and scientific relationships between Europe, the Philippines and the New Spain, throughout the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries. Specifically, I researched Jose Antonio Alzate’s astronomic and botanical work and its reception at the French Academy of Sciences as well as at the Royal Botanical Garden of Madrid. My research produced an article that contributed to a self-published book that compiled other undergrads’ articles on the New Spain’s transatlantic scientific and commercial relations.

One of my most important academic achievements was being selected as a speaker at the 2014 History Forum at Universidad Iberoamericana. There, I will have present my final dissertation on the biopolitical measures during India’s State of Emergency between 1975 and 1977.

Because I was in the top 1% of my class, my University granted me the opportunity to study abroad. During the spring of 2013, I attended Fordham University in New York. I was able to obtain a 3.08 GPA, while facing a complete different curriculum framework and most importantly, a different society, culture and language. However, the horizons, the knowledge, skills and mindset that I acquired during that brief period greatly exceed, in terms of personal value, my academic outcome.

Currently, I divide my time between my teaching job, extracurricular activities, doing social service at the community center “Casa Menses” and taking my last class at Universidad Iberoamericana. Being a teacher has played a major role in the decision to go Graduate School.  In addition, it has helped defining the career I want to pursue in life.

 

 

[very good]

 

As a World History teacher my duty is to transmit to the students the idea that a historical change represents an aggregate of multiple connections: For example, American modern architecture cannot be understood without analyzing the financial and cultural relations between the Weimar Republic and the United States. In my future academic career, I want to explore the multiplicity of elements and relations that partake in the way the world has been shaped.

Therefore, I want to become a Professor at an institution of higher learning, to fully inquire into the modern world’s historicity. After obtaining a Masters degree, I plan to pursue a PhD. In addition, I plan to combine my academic work with a career in journalism, focused in international current affairs.

 

[long winded,  I'd probably move it towards the end, after program fit]

 

Recently, I got involved in the United States and Mexican relations, as an academic and political subject. Consequently, I will have the opportunity to represent Mexico as a delegate at the Forum for Cooperation, Understanding and Solidarity that will take place at Stanford University and Instituto Tecnológico Autónomo de México in the subsequent months. This year’s forum aims to bolster commercial and business relations between the United States and Mexico.

 

[maybe merge with achievements par.]

 

 

            There are two main topics that I want to pursue in graduate school: The postcolonial nation’s political developments and biopolitics.  Regarding the first point, I want to explore how postcolonial nations have modified the world’s geopolitical organization. Specifically, I want to answer the following questions along throughout that exploration: How did the decolonization process modify the balance of power in the twentieth century? Moreover, how are the core-periphery relations organized in a Postcolonial Era?

            In terms of biopolitics, I want to explore the way that governments throughout the twentieth century have exercised power over human life: their aims and results. Particularly, I am interested in how population growth and control have become a global issue as well as a central matter for emerging nation.

 

[good, make it clearer how you would be the best candidate to answer these questions and how it would fit in the POI's field of expertise]

 

            On account of the latter interests is that I want to enroll the Dual MA/MSc in International and World History. As a further matter, faculty members like Professor Connelly, Professor Rao, Professor Sherman and Professor Jones are specialists on the subjects I am interested in. In addition, I have been deeply inspired by Professor Coatsworth’s and Professor Piccato’s work on the economical, social and cultural change in Mexico throughout the nineteenth century’s last decades and the twentieth century’s first decades.

 

[Too many POI, elaborate on why you'd be a good fit in their group (relation before your previous experience and their projects/research). Merge with the 2 previous par.?]

 

            Lastly, I want to attend to Columbia and London School of Economics, because I want to receive a world-class education and a global perspective on current affairs.  The latter matters are essential for Mexico, as a developing country. My purpose is not exclusively academic: I want to take part in Mexico’s political and social development.  

[meh, replace with future plans]

 

[1] Cocoyoc is a small town in the north-central part of the Mexican state of Morelos.