Please Read my SOP PhD without research.

[mellowcello]

Hi I would like ya'll to be brutally honest. I need to send in my applications by the end of this week. I wrote my first draft 8 hours ago! and here it is. Would love an honest feedback, I'm close to tears and my brother volunteered to read it but I'm so scared to send him this draft cuz he's super intelligent (CMU) and I ain't that much :'( Remember I was half asleep while typing the later half. 

 

Cheers. xx

 

My motivation for a Career in Biomedical Sciences

 

Steven-Johnson syndrome (SJS) is a disorder that occurs in people who are induced with a variety of therapeutic sulfa drugs and their bodily organs and functions shut down because their immune system is not capable of fighting it. My father was diagnosed with it and miraculously survived the disease. But the process was slow and arduous. From then on I decided to immerse myself in something that I could have a proper hold off i.e. science and my lifestyle.

 

I got myself enrolled at the Biology and chemistry program at (XXX) University for my undergrad and was fascinated learning about the millions of biological organisms and their systems, while having a morbid taste of dissecting frogs and lizards and learning about the different eukaryotic and prokaryotic organisms.  During my time at the Biological department I got a better understanding of the physiological relationship of how cells interact and how this experimental approach can be applied in studying the various physiological systems of the human body and their homeostasis. This helped to form the basis for my future master course. I enrolled in the molecular courses taught by Ms.(XXX)  She opened the door to experimental science that took me in so many different directions. Rather than memorizing my course work I started to analyze each and every problem. The course pushed me to determine which experimental approaches would be most viable for a certain hypothesis. My tutor and mentor Ms.(XXX) suggested that I take the advanced Analytical chemistry courses encouraging me that it will help me further my career. Truth be told I immensely enjoyed the stimulating experiments of electrochemistry, chromatography and learning about the Molecular structure and interactions of Biomolecules. I’m forever grateful to her.

 

After completing and getting all my credits I realized that while I was thoroughly focused on getting my degree, I had forgotten the outside world so I decided to live a little and went to Bangkok to visit my sister and soaked myself in the beautiful culture while taking in all the sights and smells. It was truly a wonderful experience; almost equivalent to a gap year. I came back and was ready for another spectrum of Science. I joined the Science Club and participated in a (XXX) Sponsored National Seminar about Nanomaterials where a classmate and I worked on the relations between nanostructures and properties of natural nanomaterials. We worked on an experiment that gave an indirect evidence of the presence of particles that are too small to be seen even with the help of an optical microscope by using gelatin and milk and then recording how the laser beam behaved as it penetrated each sample. I then went on to participate in the Intercollegiate Science Festival under the banner “(XXX) ” where I had to prepare a genomic DNA from Bacteria using Phase Lock Gel. There were so many experiments in molecular biology that I wanted to work on but my university did not have the necessary equipment that was needed thus I fell back on immersing myself in the scientific literature instead in order to see and read exciting avenues of research. After the completion of my degree I decided to broaden my horizons and went on to take up a job in an Internet firm where I managed and supervised Internet based networking issues soon I was promoted to training new entrants with the firms software. During this time I felt that I have dipped my finger in a lot of baskets and decided to get a Masters Degree. (this last sentence sound silly! I know(

 

Coming to England was one of the best experiences of my life. After enrolling myself at the University of(XXX) , and after attending a number of classes I wanted to solely centre my learning on Immunology and molecular Biology. My first elective was about Research methods in Biomedical Sciences where we had lively group discussions and learning about cutting edge technology and sharpening our laboratory skills like PCR, ELISA etc. I then went on to give a seminar in the various Research methods available Biomedical Science.  I was then chosen to be the post graduate representative amongst so many brilliant students. I was extremely overjoyed. 

 

One day while sitting in the dorm room my friend from  (XXX) started telling me about how her aunt had been diagnosed with HIV and asked me if science would ever find a cure for this disease. It would be remiss of me if I had not told her about the Berlin Patient. Until then I wasn’t remotely interested in learning more about AIDS but curiosity getting the better off me I started researching articles about Timothy Brown a.k.a the Berlin Patient. When I’m morbidly curious about something however small I have a proclivity to find out just about everything even the most minuscule details .

 

Aside from my regular curriculum, I decided to slowly follow up on everything about AIDS even though I wasn’t able to do the required laboratory work. AIDS deeply fascinated me and I had a deep hunger to know more. I was given a set of diseases to work on like SLE, Huntingdon’s disease etc. but I decided to direct my work on Acute Myeloid Leukemia and its allogenic bone transplants as Timothy Brown was also diagnosed with it. Further on since the (XXX) Centre for (XXX) Research was wholly focused on Heat shock proteins and its therapeutic agents, I decided to work on Tumor cells as we were not given clearance for blood samples of an AIDS patient. My thesis was on the Use of chemotherapeutic drugs in treating tumors. I worked under the constant supervision of Dr. (XXX) who had previously worked on the treatment of chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL). After getting my Master degree,I then went on to get a teaching position in a school and taught Biology and Chemistry and seeing how eager the students were about learning fueled in me a desire to go back to school and be in the same position.

 

I want to earn a PhD in Biomedical Sciences as it will surely help me develop my skills and ultimately my main goal is to obtain a position as Professor. I am interested in Molecular Oncology and Tumor Immunology as well as deepening my understanding on  molecular biology in general. I find that the interdisciplinary umbrella program is the best way to start a PhD as it helps me dab my fingers in different (pies?!) departments and thus getting a taste of everything and satiating my palate. I’m excited to learn about different project by different students. I am also greatly interested in studying the fundamental molecular and cellular processes of the development of different tissues subjected to different changes. Upon completion I would like to obtain a Post doctoral fellowship and then become a professor of sorts and teach other students just like me.  

 

_____________________________________________

 

This is my first draft and I got 2 more days to submit! help me pleaseee.

Brutal comments are accepted, BTW I do not have any research experience except in academia. 

 

Cheers. xx

[fuzzylogician]

I am only skimming right now. Forgive the frankness, but:  

1. It reads very conversational, like you're telling me your life story over drinks at the bar. 

2. It's longer than it needs to be. 

3. Despite being long, the important pieces are either short or missing: the emphasis is almost exclusively on the past (~800 words); you only briefly mention your current interests and your future plans (~350 words).

4. It's very self congratulatory. You want it to be inferred that you're great, but it really doesn't sound good when you just come out and say it yourself.

5. There are typos and misused expressions.  (e.g. "have a hold off;" "I came back and was ready for another spectrum of Science", "morbidly curious," "Huntingdon's disease," "fueled in me a desire," "dab my fingers")

 

Some specific comments (this is not an exhaustive list):

- After reading the second paragraph, I don't feel like I actually know enough about you to justify reading all of that. All I know is that you generally like biology/chemistry and you enjoy experimental work. I'm sure that can be said more concisely. 

- The beginning of the third paragraph needs to be deleted. Your trip to Bangkok is really not relevant to anything. There is some interesting stuff there but it's obscured by the story in the beginning. This: "There were so many experiments in molecular biology that I wanted to work on but my university did not have the necessary equipment that was needed thus I fell back on immersing myself in the scientific literature instead in order to see and read exciting avenues of research" sounds like you're making an excuse before anybody even blamed you of anything. I'd get rid of it. The last sentence in the paragraph indeed has problems. Rewrite or (preferably) delete. 

- The fifth paragraph probably comes dangerously close to offending the people who have worked on AIDS/HIV all their academic lives. It's another "hook" paragraph that occurs in the middle of the essay, almost like you strung two essays together. That's too much. Come to think of it, the first anecdote (=the entire first paragraph) didn't connect back to anything that you said later.

- The last paragraph is way too fast -- it needs to be expanded upon. You use too many generalities combined with phrases that seem like they came out of the (wrong page of) the dictionary. Your reasons for wanting to get a PhD don't sound well thought out and it's really not clear what you are there to do. 

 

Unfortunately, my advice is to essentially start over fresh. I suggest thinking about this as a version of a grant proposal, with an expanded personal background section that you normally wouldn't write in such proposals. Clean up the language; this is a formal document and your one chance to make a good first impression on the adcom. This doesn't need to be a story of everything -- you can pick and choose. In particular, stay positive; tell us what you did, but don't make excuses for what you couldn't do. Give details; saying you got extremely fascinated or expanded your horizons doesn't tell me anything about you as an applicant. What specifically did you do? What did you learn from it? How did it inform your future choices? Have all the discussion of your undergrad experience in one paragraph, including a selection of the things that are in the second and third paragraph. The rest I would probably suggest you leave out (the first two sentences and last sentence of the second paragraph; Bangkok, your industry job, the discussion of things you couldn't do). The story of how you got interested in experimental work might be a good way to begin the essay and set the tone for your research interests. Have one paragraph about your general Masters experience. I think the story of how you got interested in AIDS/HIV needs to be modified to be more professional (there is no need to you weren't "remotely interested" in it before; leave that up to the reader to infer) and shortened. It should probably be just one sentence attached to the following paragraph. If this is what you want to study for your PhD, you need to make that clearer and explain why it's interesting and what specifically you hope to work on. There could be a separate paragraph on your Masters research and what came out of it. Not just "I worked on X under the supervision of Y" but also what you actually did and what you learned from it. Finally, expand on the final paragraph. You need to be much more specific about your research interests, and you need to be much more specific about the fit with the school you're applying to and why you want to go specifically there. 

[mellowcello]

Thank you so much for being honest. Didn't mind the frankness one bit. I'll start all over. Yeah after reading it again, it sounds a little pompous! I need to make so many changes. I'm so bummed right now.

[mellowcello]

I feel like my sop is an example of what not to write in an sop.

[ssynny]

I feel like my sop is an example of what not to write in an sop.

 

Not true at all! It's a good example of what a first draft of sorts looks like. Fuzzy made a lot of great points to help you improve and I really don't have much more to add unfortunately. When you write your next draft, try talking about what your research focus will be, how you fit with that school's particular program, and lastly what you plan to do with the degree and how it would benefit your department. Good luck!