Please critique my SOP! Any help would be appreciated! :)

[JessePinkman]

Statement of Purpose

Being the son of a civil engineer, I was introduced to this profession at a very early age. I often accompanied him to the construction sites he worked on.  I watched the frenetic activity at site and the buildings rise on bare land, with great excitement and curiosity.  The fascination for this discipline of engineering deepened as I gained better understanding and my observation became keener.  I decided to become a civil engineer quite early and, as a result of the firm decision, I pursued the degree of Bachelor of Civil Engineering from a College affiliated to the University of Pune, India.

I count my interest and career decision as most fortunate, because my graduation as a civil engineer coincides with a worldwide boom in construction.  This boom is sustained by the economic compulsion to develop infrastructure to encourage economic growth, which, in turn, will improve the standards of living all over the world.  In India, in particular, the paucity of high quality infrastructure is proving a hurdle for economic growth and the Government’s efforts for it are proving less than effective even at great cost on account of lack of professional management at every level of project planning and implementation.  There is a felt need for civil engineers versed in construction management, which is the reason for my seeking admission to the Graduate Program in Civil Engineering with specialization in Construction Engineering & Management from a university in the USA.  

USA is renowned for skill at executing huge and complex projects in every field from space to civil engineering, from putting a man on the Moon to building the Empire State Building, the Hoover Dam and the Panama Canal.  After considerable research on the Internet through websites of several universities, I prefer to apply to the University of XXXX for its renowned Civil Engineering Department.  It boasts of such faculty as aaaa and bbbb whose work in the area of Construction Engineering & Management breaks new ground.   

In the four years of my Bachelor’s Program, my strong interest in Civil Engineering put a sharper edge on my understanding of complex engineering theories and the effort at putting the theories into practice.   I stood 2^nd in the department in the first year.   However, in the second year I suffered a few setbacks. I did improve my score in my third year, but was still disappointed as I felt I could do better. Learning from my disappointments in the second and third year, I managed to significantly improve my score in the final year and graduated with grade ‘First Class with Distinction’.  During the post sixth-semester break, I found internship with Reelicon Shelters Pvt. Ltd., a renowned construction firm in Pune. While working with them, I made use of my academic knowledge, particularly of construction management, in practical applications. I have also attended workshops on ‘Construction Management’ and have completed courses in the use of MS Project and Primavera. 

         From the sixth semester course in Project Management & Engineering Economics, I learnt the basics of the subject and saw its great possibilities through the glimpses of different aspects of management, such as, Project Planning, Scheduling, Time Planning, Cost Control, Materials Management, etc. With a good score in the subject and intense interest, in the seventh semester I opted for ‘Systems Approach in Civil Engineering’ as an elective. It covers topics like Mathematical Modeling, Statistical Analysis and Mathematical Optimization relating to management. As the other elective course, I chose ‘Total Quality Management & Management Information Systems’. In the eighth semester, I chose ‘Construction Management’ as one of my electives to enhance my knowledge of construction management practices. My keen interest in the subject helped me secure a good score.

         During my third undergraduate year, I worked on a seminar on 'Disaster Management'. Application of management principles for this special and crucial purpose of managing and mitigating the effects of a calamity helped me better understand the principles in a concise fashion. I covered aspects of the topic, namely, the goals of disaster management, important principles to be followed, waste or debris management, mitigation and preparedness. In the final year, I worked on a project, 'Evaluation of Municipal Solid Waste Management Practices in Pune City'.  The aim was to study the existing system, which is quite inadequate and suggest ways to improve it. The project was primarily based on finding the per capita generation, type of waste collected, density of garbage, solid waste collection, transportation, treatment and disposal methodology at present adopted in Pune City.

         As a sportsman, I learnt teamwork and leadership on the soccer field and as a member of the College Sports Committee. I’ve represented the College at the University level. I was also chosen to lead the College soccer team in the final year.

         Currently, I am working in XXX Construction Company Pvt. Ltd., a well-known construction firm in Pune, as a Junior Planning Engineer. I am currently deployed at the Cummins India Technical Center site in Pune. The Technical Center is a large scale project having four floors with each floor having an area of around 20000 square meters. My responsibilities include scheduling, tracking daily progress of the project, preparing daily, weekly and monthly progress reports. I am also involved in planning the installation sequence of the precast elements. Working with construction professionals at various levels of the industry has improved my communication skills and I have learnt the jargon of the various trades in the industry. I am hoping that this work experience will further enhance my knowledge in the field and make me well-prepared for my graduate studies.

        The primary reason why I am keen to apply to XXX University is its strong reputation for academic excellence built over the years and research carried on in its various departments. Especially, the Civil Engineering Department is recognized for well-structured courses taught by expert faculty. The course contents of the University also match my needs, which assure me that the challenging curriculum will bring out the best in me. I look forward to doing my Masters at the University of XXXX to enable me to contribute to efficient management of development of state-of-the-art infrastructure in India and other developing countries.  

[JessePinkman]

I know i've used 'I' a lot of times, but don't really know how to replace it with anything else! :/ Also I know the start is pretty common but that is what really made me choose Civil Engineering. I wanted to follow in the footsteps of my father! :/

[Ziggyfinish]

Hi JessePinkman,

 

I think this needs some work. Really you should be showing it to your professors and reference writers to get a good critique, but I'll make a few suggestion. First, consider that the adcomms have a lot of these to read, don't waste their time with unnecessary details. Get to the point. Talk naturally. Don't try to impress them with your vocabulary.

 

"what really made me choose Civil Engineering. [is that] I wanted to follow in the footsteps of my father!" is more to the point and endearing than your entire first paragraph.

 

Most of the writing is pretty awkward. "I count my interest and career decision as most fortunate. . ."

 

"USA is renowned for skill at executing huge and complex projects in every field from space to civil engineering, from putting a man on the Moon to building the Empire State Building, the Hoover Dam and the Panama Canal." The adcomms don't need to hear you laud a list American engineering accomplishments, especially such old ones as these. In fact they're probably more interested in why their specific program is of interest to you beyond the fact that its American. Also, "USA" looks and sounds awkward.

 

"After considerable research on the Internet through websites of several universities,"- these sort of statements are redundant, the adcomms will assume you've done your research into their program.

 

"In India, in particular, the paucity of high quality infrastructure is proving a hurdle for economic growth and the Government’s efforts for it are proving less than effective even at great cost on account of lack of professional management at every level of project planning and implementation." - Too long. Confusing syntax. Too many 'it' pronouns. Don't make grand, unsubstantiated, statements, it makes you look bad, especially when you're broadly criticizing your own government.

 

Try something like this:

"In India more high quality infrastructure is needed to keep up with the economic growth. This growth requires professional management at all levels of project planning to fill this demand. It is a very exciting time to be a Civil Engineer in India, which is why I hope to make a contribution by returning with a professional degree in Construction Engineering & Management."(Just an idea)

 

"However, in the second year I suffered a few setbacks." - if this is worth mentioning[which I don't know that it is] then you have to be specific and honest. Highlight that you significantly improved your score in your final year, and your First class distinction. Don't bother with the disappointment.

 

I suggest a heavy rewrite. With these points in mind.

 

Don't use passive sentence constructions.

 

Tailor it to each school/program, you should really demonstrate why a particular program is of interest to you.

 

Don't stress the American aspect because that just tells the adcomms that you would settle for any American school.

 

Tell them why their particular program interested you. (I say this twice because its so important)

 

Details like the soccer thing don't really fit. I understand you're trying to say that you can be a leader but is sounds disingenuous and artificial, and it doesn't fit the flow of your SOP.

 

Anyway these are just some of my thoughts. Hope that they're helpful

 

best of luck!

[JessePinkman]

Hey, thanks for your detailed reply! I knew my SOP needed a lot of work and you've highlighted it pretty well. I'll definitely look into all these points and refurnish it in a better way. I have one more doubt though. You've mentioned about not trying to impress them with the vocabulary. Does vocabulary not matter at all? I've tried to use better vocabulary just because, there's a conception in India that the SOP should show you've a good vocabulary. I really feel that I could do a better job using simple English. 

[Dedi]

Hey, thanks for your detailed reply! I knew my SOP needed a lot of work and you've highlighted it pretty well. I'll definitely look into all these points and refurnish it in a better way. I have one more doubt though. You've mentioned about not trying to impress them with the vocabulary. Does vocabulary not matter at all? I've tried to use better vocabulary just because, there's a conception in India that the SOP should show you've a good vocabulary. I really feel that I could do a better job using simple English. 

For the sciences, plain English is usually preferred. The adcom is looking at many of these SOPs and it's almost a relief to read something that doesn't require a lot of effort to understand.

[TakeruK]

You've mentioned about not trying to impress them with the vocabulary. Does vocabulary not matter at all? I've tried to use better vocabulary just because, there's a conception in India that the SOP should show you've a good vocabulary. I really feel that I could do a better job using simple English. 

 

For the sciences, plain English is usually preferred. The adcom is looking at many of these SOPs and it's almost a relief to read something that doesn't require a lot of effort to understand.

 

I agree with Dedi. In addition, if the point of writing well in your SOP is to show the school that you have good command of the English language, I don't think inserting correct but non-standard English words is going to help. Native English speakers don't write or speak this way and I agree with you that the forced vocabulary is hindering your ability to get your point across. 

[StudyStar]

I hope I can add to the useful feedback the other forum members have given you. First, I would suggest deleting the whole paragraph that starts with, "I count my interest and career decision as most fortunate, because my graduation as a civil engineer coincides with a worldwide boom in construction"; 1) because this paragraph mostly talks about the state of the industry rather when you should be focusing on your own attributes, and 2) schools don't really like to hear that your motivation for applying is because it's a thriving industry with a lot of jobs. (The same goes for "because I can make money in this field," which some students say in their SOP.) And yes, that's a perfectly valid reason to study something, but if you want to get accepted, you should frame your interest in terms of intellectual curiosity and academic enthusiasm. It will vastly improve how your SOP is received.

As for vocabulary, I disagree with the idea that writing quality (of which vocabulary is an important part) is not really important for science programs. It IS important. BUT indeed, you should not use fancy words just for the sake of using them, especially if you aren't entirely sure how they're used (or are over-relying on a thesaurus). In that case, plain, simple English is probably better.

Also, this paragraph is problematic: "The primary reason why I am keen to apply to XXX University is its strong reputation for academic excellence built over the years and research carried on in its various departments. Especially, the Civil Engineering Department is recognized for well-structured courses taught by expert faculty. The course contents of the University also match my needs, which assure me that the challenging curriculum will bring out the best in me." Believe me, they will know that you simply plugged in a different name into XXX, because the things you name are generic. "Well-structured courses," "expert faculty," "academic excellence" - you could say this about virtually any school. Be more specific.

I've been doing independent consulting/writing/editing for grad school applicants for a few years and recently started working with a new company called StudyStar (studystarinc.) If you're interested, we can help you fix these problems, give your writing the more sophisticated style/vocabulary you're looking for,  and address other issues present in your SOP. No pressure though. But if you want some professional, one-on-one help, visit our website or send me a PM.