Critique SOP for MS in CS

[arpitsardhana]

Hi 

 

Please critique my SOP at

 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7QvmgWqstTOV3hXNnpVZ2U2Q0U/view?usp=sharing

 

It is a rough draft .

I have tried to pull all ideas and now in process of editing it. Provide useful comments on which part i should do away and which i should have.

My profile.

Applying for - MS in CS

GRE/TOFEL- 316/99

Education- M.Tech (Electronics and Comm from IIT Roorkee India) -7.76/10

                   B.Tech (Electronics and Comm from UPTU)- 74.5%

 

Work EX -  3 years as software developer at Cisco in at Protocol development.

4 Projects ( 3 in electronics + 1 in distributed computing)

3 trainings (2 industrial and 1 system programming)

 

I have not mentioned that i have been TA at IIT roorkee during my graduation and i have done community service for 1 year teaching kids about science

 

 

 

[gmh]

I read your SOP and please let me give some comments and questions:

• There are several grammatical errors that you have to fix such as capitalization, punctuation, and parallelism. These errors are quite noticeable and might turn off your reader.
• You already have Master degree in Electronics, you really have to check if the university you are targeting allows you to pursue another Master degree.
• "I feel good that I know what tickles inside processor" seems flat. Avoid such things in essay as reader might not understand with what you mean.
• The third paragraph is way too long. Rephrase it and make it more concise. It is actually very good that you brought up your personal limitation, but it is just too wordy and does not really punch out. Especially your story about your family, it is too bland. I think focusing on your hearing impairment is a very good idea.
• Fourth and Eighth paragraph seems redundant or dangling. It does not focus on anything. Put your experience regarding hearing aid in previous paragraph about your limitation.
• Fifth and Sixth paragraph seem talking about your persistence and effort, but it is crafted poorly. And perhaps it will be good for your final concluding paragraph, instead in the middle.
• Seventh is also too long. You once again mentioned your hearing aid, I think it is just too much (forgive my frankness), but it makes your essay unstructured.
• The way you address your university is quite good, which you mentioned the professors and their research. A good restructuring your sentences and omit the obscuring heading sentence will be good.

It will be a very good idea if you write by outlining what you want to say before you start writing. Here's example of outlining I made based on your essay:

1.  The intention of pursuing Master degree in university
   • Having 3 years experience in industry
   • Eager to expand the knowledge with theoretical foundation and latest research
   • Long term goal to pursue PhD
   • Master degree in CS is one of my step
2. My academic background and current experience
   • Degree in Electronics and Communication
   • Currently working in industry, protocol department. (Explain your duty/role)
   • Found interests in CS after working in related area (Explain your experience why you finally interested in CS, and relate it with your job)
3. My limitation that I have to overcome
   • Suffered partial deafness in high school, limited my performance in class.
   • Social stigma attached to someone with hearing impairment in my community.
   • I turned my disability into my strength: I can easily focus on my study without being disturbed by external noise.
   • The only restriction on my capacity is imposed by my own mind.
   • Along with my economical advancement, I can purchase hearing aid to help me and overcome this issue.
4. My undergraduate degree experience
   • Explain what I do during undergraduate degree
   • Explain experience in nailing the hardest exam in your country
   • Reason pursuing Master degree in IIT
5. My graduate research/coursework
   • Try to focus on your BEST research work
6. After graduating, joining CISCO, explain your BEST project
7. What you learned so far
   • How OS are designed, I learned it from my project, bla bla
   • Software engineering methodology
   • Relate it with your project
8. Why I want to attend this target university
   • Main reason
   • Explain about professors and research briefly
9. Final remarks
   • Limitation is not disability
   • I prove that I am highly qualified candidates despite my disabilities

Good luck! 

Edited November 1, 2014 by gmh

[edenhazard]

Nice critique GMH! 

[arpitsardhana]

Thanks a lot GMH for detailed critique. It is really helpful. 

Actually i also felt problems but could not figure out logical way to address my SOP.Your views provided me adequate view to move forward.

I will make all changes and rephrase again