Professional Experience in Personal Statement

[Chele]

Hi    ,

 

    I posted this in another thread but wanted some additional perspectives, as well.  First, a little background on my situation and what I am applying for:

 

Health Communications, I am primarily interested in cancer communication (patient clinician information exchange and cancer prevention communication).  I have lab experience (psych lab), TA experience, have a BA in media studies, a BA in psychology (both with 4.0 GPAs), and an MA in media industries, which I received in England (I received first-class honours).  

 

My top choice is Annenberg (Penn), and the prompt states:

 

The statement of purpose should discuss your potential research area or topic with the Annenberg School for Communication faculty or research centers. Please detail how your academic and professional background, interests, and preparation in the social sciences, the humanities and other studies support your research topic. The statement should also address the question of what career objectives an Annenberg degree would help you realize. The statement should be double spaced and must not exceed 1,000 words.

 

​I have included the aforementioned pursuits in my PS, as well as a bit about my dissertation and a few of the relevant projects I have done.  However, for 'professional experience', I wanted another opinion.  I competed in figure skating and was a professional coach for about 10 years.  I have included 4 sentences in my final paragraph about this, as I thought it was unique and relevant in terms of 'professional experience'.  The portion in my final paragraph regarding this states:

 

My academic training and unique experiences as a competitive figure skater/coach have given me a comprehensive understanding of health communication that extends beyond my work in the classroom.  As a coach, I played a vital role in shaping my students’ perceptions of health and was responsible for ensuring that they developed healthy behaviors early in life.  Through this work, I learned a great deal about human behavior and the processes that people go through when making informed decisions about health.  Fortunately, these experiences have greatly enhanced my work in the social sciences because they have allowed me to apply a first-hand perspective to my research.  Needless to say, my professional work has greatly influenced my research interests and my decision to pursue an Annenberg degree.

 

My question is this, should I keep this in or take it out?  Any insight would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you in advance.

 

Edited November 9, 2014 by Chele

[fuzzylogician]

I think it's appropriate to include this paragraph, though I kind of liked the first half of the paragraph much more than the second half. I think the first three sentences are good, but then I'm confused about the sentence that starts with "fortunately." That seems like an odd wording to me, and it also begins to be repetitive/obvious. I'm also not sure the last sentence is necessary, as is. It would be more appropriate somewhere near the top of the SOP where you'll then describe what you plan to do, but as a closing sentence it leaves me feeling like you were in the middle of a sentence, not quite done. I'd instead try to write something to replace these two sentences that does two things: first, acknowledges that your experience has influenced your decision to apply for this degree, and second, try and integrate what you've learned with what you hope to do next. So, sort of say "At Anneberg, I hope to [draw on this unique personal experience to study [blah]] so that I am then able to [apply this knowledge to something relevant that this degree trains you for (=longterm career goal)]."

[Chele]

I agree about the wording for "fortunately".  I have two sentences after what I posted, but didn't want to post my entire conclusion here (although, I will probably end up modifying them).

 

"Primarily, I chose Annenberg because I believe that it can help me realize my goal of improving cancer information access and decision-making.  Ultimately, I hope that one day my research can help minimize misunderstandings during cancer care so that families are better able to render more informed decisions about treatment.

 

Thank you for taking the time to comment on my question.  You really helped me out  .  One reason I was thinking of including this is due to the fact that I am interested in paediatric cancer communication in particular and would like to pursue research in that area upon completion of my PhD.  So, maybe I can take your suggestion and somehow tie that together.  Thanks again!!

[jujubea]

I think it's a great paragraph - you've tied the example in neatly and insightfully to your major, so it's appropriate. In fact, this is going to help me look at my own professional experiences in a different and hopefully stronger way for my own statements - so thanks!