SOP Critique

[Derpus]

I'm up to bat.  This is going to be my "master" that I shall tweak as necessary for different universities, especially since I don't have the time to write totally distinct SOPs for 6 different schools.  Please also indicate where I have used passive voice and how to correct it - I'm bad at recognizing it and I've been told passive voice is frowned upon.  Please also give any advice on how I should end the statement, keeping in mind that the limit for this particular institute is 500 words and I'm already at 440.

 

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My goal is to earn a PhD in the field of History from **** University, which I know will prepare me for a professional career of scholarship and teaching that I am determined to pursue.  Specifically, my academic interests focus on US foreign policy and containment strategies in the early Cold War, emphasizing on the First Indochina War, as well as the American counter-insurgency in South Vietnam.

 

At **** College, the freedom with which I allowed to meticulously study many different historical topics and themes in the modern era cultivated an in-depth, well-rounded body of knowledge in US and world history.  Having such broad knowledge gave me an advantage as I was able to draw profound historical connections between different topics.  Furthermore, I learned to utilize many different historical perspectives and themes which taught me crucial techniques of analyzing and synthesizing historical data in a comprehensive fashion.

 

All the while, I honed essential skills in conducting historical research and in critical writing which I believe are reflected in my undergraduate academic achievements of magna cum laude and distinction in the field of history.  While I did not obtain an internship during my undergraduate career, and did not participate in many research projects directed by professors, I nonetheless channeled my passion into developing personal discipline, working 10 hours or more per day, and self-directed research abilities that are necessary for graduate studies.

 

Most of my research has centered on US foreign policy in the early Cold War and its application in the First Indochina War.  I am deeply interested in understanding the cause, content, and impact of not only this conflict, but of other Cold War proxy conflicts.  I find this concentration to be fascinating because analyzing and understanding how different policies and strategies were developed and executed adds remarkable connections into how historical events unfurled.  I want to continue my scholarship to better understand the successes and failures in the Cold War period, to contribute this knowledge to the field of history, and use the skills I build in **** University’s program to teach at institutions of higher education.

 

I know that my academic and professional skills will flourish at **** University, especially with faculty members share my interests.  Dr. ****, with his background in US foreign policy from early America to Cold War America, and his emphasis on individual historical figures, interests me greatly as my own research interests are in US foreign policy post-WWII, along with its major and minor players.  Dr. **** and Dr. **** are also two significant scholars that appeal to me with their strong backgrounds in the study of foreign policy.

Edited November 15, 2014 by Galdis

[ashiepoo72]

I'm going to give you bigger picture suggestions because I think those are more important at this point than the grammar/structure. You can fix that once you've got the big picture done well.

In the second paragraph you should "show, not tell." That is, describe examples of your broad knowledge, don't just state that you have broad knowledge. Give examples of the skills you've learned and how you learned them.

In paragraph 3, you shouldn't talk about what you haven't accomplished. You should focus on what you have. Whatever research or methodological skills you've obtained are what you should focus on. Don't point out any weaknesses.

Google the writer's diet, or go look for the link on the history 2015 board on this site, plug your SOP in and it'll point out passive voice to you. All passive voice isn't evil, it should just be used judiciously.

I'd recommend a careful read through of the SOP (I recommend reading it aloud slowly) because there are several places where it sounds like you forgot words.

Best of luck!

[Derpus]

Thanks a lot for your help, and sorry for not mentioning my gratitude earlier!  I'm working on a new draft that I'll submit in due time.

[Derpus]

Here is a revised version.  Ashiepoo's advice was helpful, as was the advice from a former professor of mine.  I'd appreciate any comments once again, and thanks to everyone who reads it!  I have removed the portions discussing specific professors because I have yet to revise them effectively, but what I have here is essentially a working "master SOP."

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My goal is to earn a PhD in the field of History from **** University, which I know will prepare me for a professional career of scholarship and teaching that I am determined to pursue.  From a young age, I was always interested in how and why things happened in the world, as well as why governments and people would act as they did.  With the help of my father, himself a history teacher for many years, I turned to history to get answers.

 

At **** College, I obtained a well-rounded education in history, covering many topics.  I studied the oppression of minority groups and the rise of fascism in Europe, Native American civilizations and their conflicts with Europeans, Western intellectual history, and what Walter LaFeber aptly describes as the “American Age.”  This led me to my focus on the rise of America as a superpower, as well as my most satisfying research project: analyzing thousands of State Department documents between 1946 and 1954 to show how US Cold War policies led to intervention in Indochina.

 

My academic interests focus on US foreign policy and containment strategies in the early Cold War, particularly the First Indochina War and the American counter-insurgency in South Vietnam.  On one hand, I am personally connected to these topics through my grandfather, who was a member of USAID and a participant in the counter-insurgency.  Academically, I believe that understanding the causation, substance, and impact of these topics adds greater depth to understanding US history.  For example, if one understands containment policy, the USA’s fear of communism, and the circumstances surrounding the First Indochina War, the Vietnam War seems inevitable.  Being able to analyze information and explain past events keeps me drawn to historical inquiry.

 

When studying the Cold War, I wondered how the US got involved in Vietnam and found most explanations of “containing communism” to be unsatisfying.  This led me to the First Indochina War.  How this little-known conflict locked the US into a protracted attempt to combat communism leads to the analysis of early containment policy, exemplifies the shift from diplomatic to military containment, and stands as an example of how similar strategies can lead to catastrophe.  Furthermore, studying US Cold War policy is essential to understanding US history in the 20^th century as it flexed its superpower muscles for the first time.

Edited November 19, 2014 by Galdis

[Derpus]

Coming in to show off a more complete SOP I just finished.  Any feedback is appreciated!

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My goal is to earn a PhD in the field of History from the University of ****, which I know will prepare me for a professional career of scholarship and teaching that I am determined to pursue.  From a young age, I have always been interested in how and why things happened in the world, as well as why governments and people would act as they did.  With the help of my father a former history teacher, I turned to history to get answers.

 

At **** College, I obtained a well-rounded education in history, covering many topics.  I studied the oppression of minority groups and the rise of fascism in Europe, Native American civilizations and their conflicts with Europeans, Western intellectual history, and what Walter LaFeber aptly describes as the “American Age.”  This led me to my focus on the rise of America as a superpower, as well as my most satisfying research project: analyzing thousands of State Department documents between 1946 and 1954 to show how US Cold War policies led to intervention in Indochina.

 

My academic interests focus on US foreign policy and containment strategies in the early Cold War, particularly the First Indochina War and the American counter-insurgency in South Vietnam.  On one hand, I am personally connected to these topics through my grandfather, who was a member of USAID and a participant in the counter-insurgency.  Academically, I believe that understanding the causation, substance, and impact of these topics adds greater depth to understanding US history.  For example, if one understands containment policy, the USA’s fear of communism, and the circumstances surrounding the First Indochina War, the Vietnam War seems inevitable.  Being able to analyze information and explain past events keeps me drawn to historical inquiry.

 

When studying the Cold War, I wondered how the US got involved in Vietnam and found most explanations of “containing communism” to be unsatisfying.  This led me to the First Indochina War.  How this little-known conflict locked the US into a protracted attempt to combat communism leads to the analysis of early containment policy, exemplifies the shift from diplomatic to military containment, and stands as an example of how similar strategies can lead to catastrophe.  Furthermore, studying US Cold War policy is essential to understanding US history in the 20^th century as it flexed its superpower muscles for the first time.

 

I feel that I would be a good fit at the University of ****, specifically with Dr. ****, whose extensive background in the Vietnam War and American foreign policy appeals to me.  I find his work especially ****, to be fascinating as it presents the French and British perspectives on Indochina.  My own understanding of the French and British approach to Indochina was from the perspective of the Americans at the time.  **** explains France’s determination to hold onto Indochina and their intransigence towards American insistence on autonomy, influenced by French pride, economic concerns, and distrust towards American goals and anti-colonial sentiment.  While this is just one of Dr. ****’s significant publications on Indochina and Vietnam, it is one that stood out to me.

 

My own professional goals are to participate in this rich topic in the field of history and to spend my years teaching.  Although I originally pursued secondary education, I made the decision to pursue a PhD in history when I became disillusioned with strict curricular demands and the life of a high school teacher.  I realized that I wanted to research and present my ideas, contributing to the scholarship, and to cultivate a love for history among students by teaching with the freedom and passion I found lacking in secondary education.  It would be a great privilege were I to be accepted as a graduate student at the University of **** and be allowed to pursue these goals.

[have2thinkboutit]

I think this last draft shows a big improvement to the previous ones. You provide a lot more detail which makes your background and objectives much clearer. I see two things that I am not particularly fond of (but please bear in mind that these could be quite subjective!):

 

1: "From a young age, I have always been interested in how and why things happened in the world, as well as why governments and people would act as they did.  With the help of my father a former history teacher, I turned to history to get answers."

 

I think this is rather generic and doesn't say anything about you that makes me feel like I get to know you or that makes you stand out. Perhaps, your can show (don't tell) a particular incident that got you hooked on history. And if not - then don't worry about it! You said your statement should only be 500 words long, so I think you could easily skip this part. I would also suggest to already say what exactly (Cold War period) you are interested in.

 

2. "Although I originally pursued secondary education, I made the decision to pursue a PhD in history when I became disillusioned with strict curricular demands and the life of a high school teacher.  I realized that I wanted to research and present my ideas, contributing to the scholarship, and to cultivate a love for history among students by teaching with the freedom and passion I found lacking in secondary education."

 

I have never taught in secondary school but have been working as lecturer for a few years now and I can tell you one thing - there is also a strict curriculum to follow, there is also tons of administrative work and there are also many demands that I would imagine being the same in a school environment. So I find your reasoning risky - if I was looking over your application I would be worried that you will become disillusioned with grad school and the eventual teaching load of the profession as well and such a worry would not work in your favour.

Perhaps, use your teaching experience to your advantage and show how it has given you a more realistic picture of what working in education is like and how you feel you could improve yourself to be better within this environment.

 

Other than that, I like the content of your statement. Obviously, do make sure that it's tailored to each school and proofread, proofread, proofread...

I hope things will work well for you! Good luck!

[Derpus]

Thank you very much for your comments!  Here is another draft for this school.  For this program, the limit is 700 words, but without the "this is why I'm choosing X program," it's still around 400 words and leaves some room.  I still have to proofread a bunch of times and do some tweaks, but here is a new version for anyone that's willing to review it.

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My goal is to earn a PhD in the field of History from the University of ****, which I know will prepare me for a professional career of scholarship and teaching that I am determined to pursue.  I wish to continue my studies into early US Cold War policy, as well as the proxy conflict and insurgency in Vietnam between 1946 and 1975.  I always found Vietnam interesting due its legacy of disillusionment in American society and my father, a former history teacher and two-time draft dodger, was always happy to discuss this topic.

 

At **** College, I obtained a well-rounded education in history, covering many topics.  I studied the oppression of minority groups and the rise of fascism in Europe, Native American civilizations and their conflicts with Europeans, Western intellectual history, and what Walter LaFeber aptly describes as the “American Age.”  This led me to my focus on the rise of America as a superpower, as well as my most satisfying research project: analyzing thousands of State Department documents between 1946 and 1954 to show how US Cold War policies led to intervention in Indochina.

 

My academic interests focus on US foreign policy and containment strategies in the early Cold War, particularly the First Indochina War and the American counter-insurgency in South Vietnam.  I feel personally connected to these topics through my grandfather, who was a member of USAID and a participant in the counter-insurgency.  Academically, I believe that understanding the causation, substance, and impact of these topics adds greater depth to understanding US history.  For example, if one understands containment policy, the USA’s fear of communism, and the circumstances surrounding the First Indochina War, the Vietnam War seems inevitable.  Being able to analyze information and explain past events keeps me drawn to historical inquiry.

 

When studying the Cold War, I wondered how the US got involved in Vietnam and found most explanations of “containing communism” to be unsatisfying.  This led me to the First Indochina War.  How this little-known conflict locked the US into a protracted attempt to combat communism leads to the analysis of early containment policy, exemplifies the shift from diplomatic to military containment, and stands as an example of how similar strategies can lead to catastrophe.  Furthermore, studying US Cold War policy is essential to understanding US history in the 20^th century as it flexed its superpower muscles for the first time.  I believe there is still much to be discovered about the First Indochina War, as well as the impact of early US Cold War policies and strategies.

 

I feel that I would be a good fit at the University of ****, specifically with Dr. ****, whose extensive background in the Vietnam War and American foreign policy appeals to me.  I find his work especially, ****, to be fascinating as it presents the French and British perspectives on Indochina.  My own understanding of the French and British approach to Indochina was from the perspective of the Americans at the time.  **** explains France’s determination to hold onto Indochina and their intransigence towards American insistence on autonomy, influenced by French pride, economic concerns, and distrust towards American goals and anti-colonial sentiment.  While this is just one of Dr. ****’s significant publications on Indochina and Vietnam, it is one that stood out to me.

 

My own professional goals are to contribute to the field of history and to cultivate an appreciation of it in others through teaching.  I have always found teaching to be a fulfilling experience, assisting peers in chemistry, writing, history, and even driving.  With a PhD I would be able to teach in a vibrant intellectual setting.  It would be a great privilege were I to be accepted as a graduate student at the University of **** and be allowed to pursue these goals.

Edited November 22, 2014 by Galdis