Please review/edit my Statement of Purpose

[user834]

Could someone please review my statement of purpose?

 

This is my draft of my main statement of purpose for my first choice program. I am planning on writing variants for my backup program choices as well.

 

 

 

I have a deep, driving passion and motivation to develop genetic knowledge, diagnostics, techniques, or therapies that ultimately optimize the human condition. There are a variety of practical directions to pursue this ambition. My goal is to develop my skills to the point where I can either design bleeding edge research projects that are good enough to win grants or develop projects with near term revenue potential that can attract funding. The Cell and Molecular Biology graduate program seems to be the best fit for my subject area of interest.

 

 

There are many practical directions to pursue. My current feel for which ideas are the most practical and promising is still rough and subject to change. A general overview of the subjects that I am particularly excited about includes the following:

• Practical, commercial genetic modifications to microorganisms, livestock, or therapeutic treatments on humans.

• Engineering considerations to make genetic modifications more efficient, safe, reliable, and suitable for larger scale use.

• Diagnostics improvements to understanding the genome and proteome of organisms. Better sequencing and better computer representations of genome data.

• Statistical insight into which genes and proteins are important.

• Primordial germ cell culture for fertility applications.

​I currently have a successful career as a computer software programmer. While the field of data sci- ence and technology is very exciting, ultimately, I feel that there is more unexplored and untapped potential in the life sciences world. I hope that my extensive work experience brings benefits and possibly a unique perspective to this field. 

 

 

 

[peachypie]

I can't tell if this is an outline or your actual statement of purpose.  But regardless there are some things to improve on. 

After your intro sentence of what you possess, I'd give a statement of evidence that shows why.  What inspired you, what drives you?  the big question is where did this develop from, at least give it a sentence to backup that statement a bit.

There are a variety of practical applications, SUCH AS.....

I think what you meant instead of bleeding edge is cutting edge?  Unless I am unfamiliar with some vernacular here.

"good enough" is not the type of English you want to be saying.  Say something like you hope to develop research ideas and applications that can be funded through its XYZ ability (interdisciplinary or whatnot).  It is a competitive world out there for funds, so you need to give direction of why your research is going to be any different than your cohorts.

The program statement should be specific, write the name of the place and the actual specific program you are applying to then end that sentence with HOW it fits your research interests, get specific here.

 

As for your second section I assume you are going to extrapolate more on this and not just list bullet points.  If you want to keep the bullet points that is fine but again I would explain what is the aspects of research that you find these topics to be of interest to you.  Why are these the things you want to pursue, what in your background has led you to these directions and why do you think you would be a good candidate to pursue them.

 

its data science, not sci-ence? 

Your last sentence, that you hope your extensive work experience and benefits will bring a new perspective to the field...again, why.  What are your unique attributes that would make you a great candidate, what is your work experience that would end up being beneficial to this new field. 

 

You  need to basically clean up the writing style, less passive and more active as well as focus on backing up your statements with evidence for why.

You are going into the bench science world and you know how they like to write.  Here is my statement, here is the evidence I have to back it up.  If you have no evidence its as good as saying you did a bunch of experiments and proved a new cancer therapy drug is available but have no data to show how it works or why you think it'll revolutionize the field.  Back up all your statements with evidence of WHY and HOW.

 

Best of luck.

[user834]

Bleeding edge: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bleeding_edge_technology

 

It's like a more extreme version of cutting edge. It's "bleeding" because it often hurts. There is risk and danger from being on the bleeding edge.

 

"sci-ence": Good catch. This is just an artifact of copy/pasting from a .pdf file where it was hyphenated across two lines.

 

Basically, you are saying I need much more why and how and supporting evidence. In my head, I am writing to admission types who want to get the gist of the applicant and move on. I was trying to keep the writing brief and engaging, and not get bogged down with detail that the admission types probably have very limited interest in.

 

Thank you very much for the thorough feedback

 

I can't tell if this is an outline or your actual statement of purpose.  But regardless there are some things to improve on. 

After your intro sentence of what you possess, I'd give a statement of evidence that shows why.  What inspired you, what drives you?  the big question is where did this develop from, at least give it a sentence to backup that statement a bit.

There are a variety of practical applications, SUCH AS.....

I think what you meant instead of bleeding edge is cutting edge?  Unless I am unfamiliar with some vernacular here.

"good enough" is not the type of English you want to be saying.  Say something like you hope to develop research ideas and applications that can be funded through its XYZ ability (interdisciplinary or whatnot).  It is a competitive world out there for funds, so you need to give direction of why your research is going to be any different than your cohorts.

The program statement should be specific, write the name of the place and the actual specific program you are applying to then end that sentence with HOW it fits your research interests, get specific here.

 

As for your second section I assume you are going to extrapolate more on this and not just list bullet points.  If you want to keep the bullet points that is fine but again I would explain what is the aspects of research that you find these topics to be of interest to you.  Why are these the things you want to pursue, what in your background has led you to these directions and why do you think you would be a good candidate to pursue them.

 

its data science, not sci-ence? 

Your last sentence, that you hope your extensive work experience and benefits will bring a new perspective to the field...again, why.  What are your unique attributes that would make you a great candidate, what is your work experience that would end up being beneficial to this new field. 

 

You  need to basically clean up the writing style, less passive and more active as well as focus on backing up your statements with evidence for why.

You are going into the bench science world and you know how they like to write.  Here is my statement, here is the evidence I have to back it up.  If you have no evidence its as good as saying you did a bunch of experiments and proved a new cancer therapy drug is available but have no data to show how it works or why you think it'll revolutionize the field.  Back up all your statements with evidence of WHY and HOW.

 

Best of luck.

[peachypie]

I would caution you from using a term like bleeding edge that ended up coming off strange to me since it sounded like you  meant something else but got an awkward sentence.  I believe it is something but for someone in the scientific field and someone who reads and writes a lot (as well as scored very well in verbal and AW on the GRE) the "bleeding" is best to tone down a bit.

You should not be writing for admission types but rather for your committee for that program. 

You can keep it brief and simple but often the typical applicant is doing a 1-2 page SOP.  Mine was 2 pages to the T.  You want to make sure you address things in here, this is really your time to TALK to the committee as much as you can to show why you standout.  Keeping it brief and pointed is great (scientists love that too) but don't do it to the extent that they don't know who you are!  This is the rare part where you get to show personality, writing ability, fill in the blanks of your CV.  Fill out the why and how, don't leave them wondering more.  Answer it in the SOP. 

[user834]

Thank you again peachypie. I just completed a major rewrite. I am going to post in a new thread. I would love your feedback if you have time. If not, thanks for the feedback thus far!