If your recommender starts to dislike you...

[mseph]

I have three recommenders and I feel like one is not liking me after she said she will write the letters. I worked for her couple semesters, took her class and did well, and now she's on my Master's thesis committee. So it was great and she said she's happy to help me throughout PhD application cycle. But last week, I realized that she was not very happy to talk to me at her office for some reason (it seemed she was fine with other students. I mean, she seemed she's having just another normal day so she was not particularly in a bad mood), and she's not very responsive in email these days. This is odd because she's usually pretty responsive. 

 

I am concerned that this would play into my letters? I really do not know the reason, so I am both worried for letter and my relationship with the professor. Any advice on this? I think it might be rude to ask her not to write letters for me any more, and it's too late. Along with this, if anyone could give me an advice on how to solve such problem, it would be great too. I do now know what to do at this point...

[thegraydude]

That sounds a little bad. Usually, the letters that arrive for your competitors are all 'glowing' and so I have heard that even a neutral letter can prove to be detrimental to your chances of admission. I would suggest you switch this person if you can. If that's not possible, all you can do is send polite reminders to write the letter, and hope for the best.

[Sigaba]

If you think you have an issue with her or she with you, go to her office, close the door and talk it over.

The central point of conversation should be mending the fences that need mending. After you have addressed the fences, ask her if she's still comfortable writing LoRs for you.

The key to having a good conversation with her is that you understand that your relationship with her is more important than the LoR. If your end game is simply the LoR, she may quickly view you in ways you don't like.

[mseph]

That sounds a little bad. Usually, the letters that arrive for your competitors are all 'glowing' and so I have heard that even a neutral letter can prove to be detrimental to your chances of admission. I would suggest you switch this person if you can. If that's not possible, all you can do is send polite reminders to write the letter, and hope for the best.

 

I don't think it's impossible to ask someone else. I still can, probably except couple schools that have December deadlines. I have more schools in January and even February, so it's not the end of the world. But how can a student request writer not to send letters anymore? Is this possible? And she's a straightforward person, so I thought if she does not feel comfortable to write me letters anymore, she would absolutely raise the point and tell me. Which, I would probably find more comfortable. I think I am worried about letters, but more saddened that I lost her favor. She's my one of favorite professors in my life and I respect her as a scholar.

[mseph]

If you think you have an issue with her or she with you, go to her office, close the door and talk it over.

The central point of conversation should be mending the fences that need mending. After you have addressed the fences, ask her if she's still comfortable writing LoRs for you.

The key to having a good conversation with her is that you understand that your relationship with her is more important than the LoR. If your end game is simply the LoR, she may quickly view you in ways you don't like.

 

I wish I could talk to her. But I feel there isn't so much concrete evidence to go to her office and talk about this issue. There wasn't any visible change in our relationship, making it more difficult to sit down and talk to her because I have nothing to discuss in detail. Should I just say, "I am worried about my relationship with you?" when nothing is obviously problematic? Please advise..!

 

And yes, as I replied to earlier respondent, that I am more concerned about my relationship with her than the letters at this point (though doesn't mean I am not concerned about letters, lol). Well, I really do not know how to address this problem to her. I am just hoping that I am second-guessing and she doesn't necessarily dislike me. 

[TakeruK]

I definitely agree with everything Sigaba wrote above except for the point about closing the door. I'm not sure if Sigaba meant it literally or not, but you should let the professor decide on their door position (or ask if you want privacy). The reality is that many people (e.g. professors, TAs) will avoid meetings behind completely closed doors because: 1) you would want the student to feel like they can leave if the conversation gets uncomfortable and 2) lawsuits/accusations of inappropriate behaviour can happen if you meet with a student behind closed doors. Many professors (and TAs) might compromise with a 90% closed door.

[mseph]

I definitely agree with everything Sigaba wrote above except for the point about closing the door. I'm not sure if Sigaba meant it literally or not, but you should let the professor decide on their door position (or ask if you want privacy). The reality is that many people (e.g. professors, TAs) will avoid meetings behind completely closed doors because: 1) you would want the student to feel like they can leave if the conversation gets uncomfortable and 2) lawsuits/accusations of inappropriate behaviour can happen if you meet with a student behind closed doors. Many professors (and TAs) might compromise with a 90% closed door.

 

Yes, I think Sigaba did not necessarily mean that part literally. At least I am not taking it as literally for all the points you addressed. Sigaba's main suggestion is to bring this up and discuss, which I have hard time finding out how, when it's so subtle.