Can anybody plz rate my GRE argumentative Essay?

[bindukk]

Prompt: A recent study shows that people living on the continent of North America suffer 9 times more chronic fatigue and 31 times more chronic depression than do people living on the continent of Asia. Interestingly, Asians, on average, eat 20 grams of soy per day, whereas North Americans eat virtually none. It turns out that soy contains phytochemicals called isoflavones, which have been found to possess disease-preventing properties. Thus, North Americans should consider eating soy on a regular basis as a way of preventing fatigue and depression.

 

 

The argument's conclusion that North Americans should consider eating soy on a regular basis as a way of preventing fatigue and depression rests weekly on three primary assumptions. First of all,the scope and validity of the survey,on the basis of which further assumptions are made is unclear. Secondly it requires the tacit belief that chronic depression and fatigue are caused by the same one reason-lack of intake of soy food. Thirdly it presumes that isoflavones present in the soy are effective in preventing chronic depression and fatigue.It is easy to understand the importance of finding a solution for the prevention of depression and fatigue cases in North America but the author arrives at the solution based on several unsubstantiated assumptions.

Citing a recent study,argument claims that people living on the continent of North America suffer 9 times more chronic fatigue and 31 times more chronic depression than do people living on the continent of Asia. However,the argument did not provide any details about the recent study.Firstly, the population of North America is diverse and consists of different ethnicities, which have disparate culture and live under divergent social and economic conditions. The same argument is true and even more obvious about Asia. It's hard to believe that the study at both continents has covered all those ethnicities. Perhaps only 10% of the total population is approached with a questionnaire or were interviewed. Among these only 10% might have responded . Thus only 1% of the total population's opinion is reflected in the study. Unless the study is fully representative ,valid and reliable,it cannot be used to effectively back the the authors argument.

Secondly the author assumes that depression and fatigue are caused by the same reason- lack of soy intake- and that isoflavones are present only in the soy food.The author claim that North America's fatigue is 9 times and depression is 31 times more than Asia's rate. That means depression rate is 22 times more than the rate of fatigue found in North America. If lack of soy intake is the reason for both the depression and fatigue, both would have been increased at the same rate. Thus the arguments assumption can be easily refuted as both may not be caused by the same reason. Again depression and fatigue can be caused by a number of reasons,not just the lack of soy intake. Depression can be caused by factors like genetics,brain chemistry,deficiency of vitamin D,Omega 3 or selenium. Even weather and too much caffeine and sugar intake can also cause depression. Fatigue too, is caused by a variety of reasons like lack of sleep ,deficiency of vitamin,copper or iron. Thus proper diagnosis and analysis is needed to prescribe a medicine for the ailments.If the depression is caused by omega 3 fatty acid deficiency ,the intake of soy food will not alleviate the problem, but the intake of fish will bring the result.Thus, suggesting soy food intake for the prevention of both the disorders is not warranted as other reasons can also contribute to these disorders.

Finally the argument presumes that isoflavones present in the soy food are found to have disease prevention properties. The term 'Disease' covers a larger term. Depression and Fatigue are considered, more as  disorders than disease. Thus Isoflavones which may be effective in treating other diseases may not be effective in treating depression and fatigue. With out studying the disease prevention properties of isoflavones in detail, it is not justified to come to a conclusion.

Thus the argument's conclusion that, North Americans should consider eating soy on a regular basis as a way of preventing fatigue and depression is rife with holes and assumptions. By assembling and furnishing more details about the recent study and by conducting a thorough research on the causes of depression and fatigue,the author may, not only be able to overcome the limitations of the argument but also provide a rationale for the proposal beyond the terms offered here.

[jujubea]

You have frequent punctuation and spacing problems. 

 

You also have frequent minor grammatical errors (the most frequent ones being the improper use of, or lack of use of articles like "a" "an" and "the", as well as disagreement between single and plural nouns and verbs - I would work on that). Also some tense errors. Some general awkward and incorrect phrasing.

 

Your analysis itself is decent enough. Your vocab is fairly varied, except the repeated use of "depression and fatigue," an easy trap to fall into (using the prompt's words over and over).

 

The essay follows a clear structure and your analysis is mostly fluid, without looking too closely.

 

It's not too short. 

 

I'm no expert, but maybe a 3.5 or 4.0? 

[bindukk]

Thank you very much for your response. I will definitely work on the corrections,you have pointed out.