kindly score the following argument essay( GRE)

[hussain shaikh]

The following appeared in a health magazine.

 

"The citizens of Forsythe have adopted more healthful lifestyles. Their responses to a recent survey

 show that in their eating habits they conform more closely to government nutritional recommendations than they did ten years ago.

 Furthermore, there has been a fourfold increase in sales of food products containing kiran, a substance that a scientific study has shown reduces cholesterol.

 This trend is also evident in reduced sales of sulia, a food that few of the most healthy citizens regularly eat."

 

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument 

and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

 

The author's argument that the people of Forsythe have adopted  more healthful lifestyles compared to ten 

years before is flawed. In the argument, the author not only draws conclusion based on vague and ambiguous terms

but also uses data from limited sample to make sweeping generalization about an entire population. Furthermore, the

author makes the mistake of linking the increased sale of food products containing kiran to a more healthful lifestyle.

 

To begin, the conclusion is based on the fact that the recent survey depicting the citizens of Forsythe now conform 

more to government nutritional recommendation compared to ten years before is true representative of the entire population.

Although the recent survey might not represent the entire population of Forsythe. Inorder to make the argument strong and 

conclusive the author needs to provide the number of people which participated in the recent survey and what number of 

people responsed in the observing the governmental nutritional recommendation. If proper statistics are provided regarding 

the recent survey, this would surely made the author's argument more strong and conclusive. Since the author doesnot provide 

any information regarding the number of people who participated in the recent survey, it is impossible to conclude that

the citizens of Forsythe have adopted more healthful lifestyle.

 

Secondly, the conclusion is based on some vague and ambiguous terms like more, most and reduces. Here the author 

assumes that more means significantly more, most means large number of people and reduces means a large reduction.

But these terms can have many different interpretations. For example the author has cited the example of food products

 containing kiran, a substance that reduces cholesterol. The word reduce used here needs to be define, it is possible that the kiran 

might reduce the cholesterol by only 1 percent than the increase sale of food product containg kiran can make the author's

 argument unwarranted. The argument can be made strong if the author define these terms.If proper definition of these vague terms are provided, 

this would certainly made the author's more plausible. Since the author doesnot provide any information regarding these ambiguous terms,it is

 impossible to conclude that the citizens of Forsythe have adopted more healthful lifestyle.

 

Thirdly, the conclusion is based on the trend of increase sale of food products containing kiran which means more people of 

Forsythe are leading a more healthful lifestyle. The evidence provided for kiran is that it reduces cholesterol therefore it is more 

healthier thing to consume. But food product containing kiran can have negative implications on different organs of human being.

Therefore the author needs to consider and discuss the impact of kiran on different body organs. Therefore the argument can be made strong 

if a more detailed biological analysis of food containing kiran is done and presented in the argument. And by looking at such detailed 

biological analysis we can conclude really whether kiran is beneficial for health or not. Since the author doesnot provide any information 

regarding the biological analysis of kiran, it is impossible to conclude that more consumption of kiran means more healthful lifestyle.

 

The argument can be strengthened if the author provided information regarding the number of people which participated in the

recent survey. The argument could further be strengthened if the author were to define key terms as well as define relation between 

kiran and healthful lifestyle. As it stands, however, the argument is flawed for the reasons indicated.

 

[Katharine@GreenlightGRE]

Hello hussain shaikh,

 

I hope that you find these comments helpful as you're prepping for the exam.

 

Writing: I noticed several errors. In the intro, you mean either "a limited sample" or "limited samples." Second paragraph: "true representation." "Inorder" should be "in order." Several times you say "doesnot" instead of "does not" or "doesn't." There are other mistakes throughout, and if you're confused about proper spelling/grammar, just let me know and I can provide more assistance. Overall your sentences are longer than necessary; you should think about writing a slightly shorter essay and saving time to revise/proofread before you submit a response.

 

Structure: I liked the intro because you clearly summarized the argument in the essay prompt. Your conclusion could have a few more details added, because it still feels generic. Your body paragraphs followed each other logically and included plenty of information. You used several good transition words to help the reader understand your reasoning.

 

Arguments/Evidence: You didn't address the part of the argument about reduced intake of sulia (see the end of the essay prompt), but otherwise I thought that your arguments were reasonable. Great job on finding flaws with the sample size, ambiguous terms, and connection between kiran intake and cholesterol.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: Your conclusion was weak and there were significant writing errors. The body paragraphs were stronger overall, and you showed several key ways to improve the argument, as well as specific evidence needed to support the argument. I'd give this essay a three: you lost points for the writing mistakes and lackluster conclusion. I'd encourage you to try one or two other practice responses as you prepare for the exam.