Can some one please grade my Issue essay?

[ashwinvprabhu]

Issue: As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

 

                We are in the 21st Century right now, and Technology has made inroads into every home, school and office. There is an increased tendency on it to get our jobs done. With the emergence of computers, mobile phones and other electronic items used for various purposes, humans dependence on technology has increased exponentially over the last 2 decades or so. As humans rely on technology to solve problems, their ability to think for themselves deteriorates. On the contrary, as the technology makes life easier for humans, they now have the liberty to go after more complex and meaningful issues.

                Firstly, advancement of technology is a wonder of human mind. We all must have heard about the proverb, "Necessity is the mother of invention". Humans have always made an effort to find a solution, when they are faced with a problem. In olden times, people used to face a lot of difficulty in travelling long distances while carrying heavy loads, which led to the invention of the wheel. Over the period of time, the wheel underwent many modifications to suit various modes of transportation, like motor vehicles, aircrafts, and is now used in almost all the means of transportation. With the invention of the wheel and its extensive usage for transportation, humans no longer face the problem travelling long distances while carrying heavy loads.

                Secondly, advancement of technology in hospitals and medical centres has been drastic over the last few decades. For instance, maintaining the previous records of a particular patient was an extremely difficult task in the olden days. Many a times, the records of the patient is lost, making it difficult for the doctors to accurately assess the current ailment of the patient. But now, with the emergence of the computer and database management system, it is easy to create and maintain the records of a particular patient. Doctors depend on these advancements to assess the patient more accurately.

                On the other hand, few would argue that, excessive reliance on technology to accomplish mundane tasks will surely deteriorate humans ability to think. For instance, dependency on calculator for simple mathematical calculations has made our brains, dull and not responsive to mental calculations. However, technology has freed humans from doing trivial things. Humans can now spend their time doing more meaningful things by relying on technology for trivial computations. For instance, engineers who work on aerodynamics can use the latest computers to simulate how the altitude of a plane will change with respect to different levels of winds. Engineers can now focus on how to design an aircraft more safely and efficiently.

                In conclusion, the effort of the humans to solve problems has led to the advancement of technology. Invention of the wheel and its usage for various modes of transportation has allowed humans to travel long distances in short period of time. Computer and Database management system has made it easier to maintain the records of a particular patient. With these points, we can successfully argue that, humans increasing dependence on technology does not affect the ability of the humans to think for themselves. Instead, it frees humans from doing trivial tasks and allows them to think about more meaningful tasks and issues.

[Katharine@GreenlightGRE]

Hello ashwinvprabhu,

 

I hope that these comments help you prepare.

 

Writing: In the intro, I think that you mean "tendancy to depend on technology" or "increased dependence on technology." The sentence is confusing as is. Write out numbers from one to ten (so "two" instead of "2"). Instead of "Many a times," try "Often," or "Many times." You mean "dependency on calculators" in the third body paragraph. If you take a few minutes to review your essay before submitting it, I'm sure you will catch some of these writing mistakes.

 

Structure: Your introduction talked about how important technology has become in the modern world, but I couldn't figure out which side of the argument you were on! You say our ability to think deteriorates, but you also say that now we can address more important issues. It's all right to develop a complex argument that considers both sides, but you need to make that position clear. The body paragraphs were all reasonable. The conclusion began off-topic, and it was only at the end that you restated your argument. Make sure that the conclusion is clear and relates to the argument you're making.

 

Arguments: Your first two body paragraphs showed how technology is incredible and helps people, but nothing in those paragraphs discussed people thinking for themselves. The third body paragraph and conclusion said that technology does not affect humans' ability to think for themselves. I couldn't follow your argument through these paragraphs. I think that you were trying to show how technology reduces trivial tasks and makes it easier for people to focus on more important things, but this only became clear at the end of the response.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: The issues with this essay were the unclear position, confusing examples you provided, and conclusion that didn't relate back to the prompt. Try making an outline before you write your next response: list your position and the key arguments you'll make to support it. That way, it'll be easier to write a straightforward response. Finally, take a look at these official answers to the prompt to see what got a top score: https://www.ets.org/gre/revised_general/prepare/analytical_writing/issue/sample_responses

[ashwinvprabhu]

Thank you, Katherine for the comments. I will try to close these gaps as I practice more. I have made an attempt on another issue prompt. Please grade this essay.

 

 

Issue: A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum.

 

            Children of a nation are its future. They carry the responsibility of running and developing their nation. It is very important to form a strong base in the early years so that they not have successful careers, but they also turn out to be good citizens. Education plays a very important role in shaping up a child's future. The issue statement states that, a nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum. This statement holds true to some extent, as the curriculum being followed across a nation should be similar, but the schools should have some level of freedom to modify it if required. Larger part of the curriculum should remain the same across the nation.

            To begin with, uniform curriculum can be beneficial in several ways. It determines a standard level which every student needs to clear before they move on to the next level. Common curriculum throughout a nation can be easily referred to. For instance, take an example of children, whose parents are defence personnel. They children have to keep changing their schools as their parents get transferred from one place to another. If there is no uniform curriculum and the level of education which these children used to have in their previous school is different from the one which they have in their present school, then it is going to be difficult for these children to catch up with the school's curriculum.

            Secondly, it is a competitive world out there today and in order to find a place anywhere, students have to compete with each other. Entrance to most of the colleges and universities are determined by the entrance examinations. A uniform curriculum across the country is very important, so that some students don't have an edge over the other students, and there is fair competition among the students. If the curriculum varies, then these entrance examinations will not be the same for all the students. Because of the varying curricula, some students will benefit and some will be at loss. Hence, a uniform curriculum should be maintained.

            However, schools should have some level of discretion in making certain changes on the needs basics, for the betterment of the students. Schools should have some liberty in choosing the format of the courses it offers. Each student is different and have different capabilities. Some are extremely fast learners and some are slow in understanding the concepts. The curriculum should be moulded in such a way that the students retain their interest in studies.

            In conclusion, a uniform curriculum is extremely beneficial for those students whose parents often get transferred from one place to another and have to change their schools once in a while. To gain entry for higher studies into a university or college, students need to take entrance examinations and these examinations will not be the same for all the students, if they have a varying curricula. But, schools need to have some level of discretion in modifying the curriculum, if required for the betterment of students. Hence, I conclude that, a uniform curriculum should be maintained across the nation, but at the same time, it should not be binding schools to follow it strictly, and the schools should be allowed to bring changes to the curriculum, if required.

Edited March 28, 2015 by ashwinvprabhu

[Katharine@GreenlightGRE]

Hello ashwinvprabhu,

 

In reponse to your previous post, I suggested solidifying your position, finding strong examples, and connecting your conclusion to the prompt. You've clearly strengthened these areas in this response.

 

Writing: In the intro, I think you mean "not ONLY have successful careers, but they also turn out to be good citizens." Right now it sounds like you don't think careers are important. You use "very" often: try to cut back on that. I'm not sure what you mean in the third body paragraph by "certain changes on the needs basics." Do you mean schools should be able to modify the basics as needed? In the conclusion, you have several long sentences in a row. It'll be better if you make them shorter and more clear.

 

Structure: Great job making the conclusion connect to the prompt! It was specific and emphasized your point. I liked the intro and body paragraphs in this response, and it seemed like you made an outline or at least thought about the best way to structure your ideas.

 

Arguments/Examples: You presented several different examples to support your point: I liked how you brought in different backgrounds and making the playing field more fair. Your examples were stronger than in your previous essay, which shows that you put more thought into this response.

 

Suggestions for Improvement: This is much better than the previous essay: Your side of the argument was clear, and you presented several strong examples to support your decision. I think that this essay would achieve a high score, and you should be proud of your progress.