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First time Statement of Purpose. Anyone up to a small review?


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Sup! I'm currently under a Fullbright program applying for university @ USA. I currently live in the Dominican Republic, and I'm planning on doing a Master's Degree on Construction Management (Civil Engineering) and I was wondering if you would kindly check this essay and critizice it to see the work that needs to be done for fixing it.

 

This is the preliminary one. I want to know what points do I need to fix or improve. Thanks a lot! ;)

 

Statement Of Purpose

Until Two and a half years ago, I had a vague idea of what I wanted to do with my life; “doing something that would massively help the whole world” was what it rang in my head. Coming from a family that had its main needs covered, having a huge house, sports car, and expensive clothes and accessories never attracted me. Instead, creating, and/or improving upon proven concepts or ideas that broke the mold and truthfully improved people’s lives was what would make me feel truly alive.

 

Later on, I discovered that what I really like was to embark on an entrepreneurial adventure and see whatever the project I would do, grow and nourish by helping others in some area of their lives. That is why I have come to the belief that through the application of technology and an improvement in my skillset, I can develop more helpful and businesses that could make a bigger impact in society. For this reason, through this program, I am planning on learning about the new technologies and developing new skills to broad my mental horizons, and apply them back in my country.  

I remember back then, in 2009, when I started developing my first website for my classmates.  Since I did great in school and had all my previous class materials, people would usually bug me for giving them what I had, so they could prepare to midterms. To countermeasure this, I decided on creating a web platform, that I would personally maintain, and upload in-class materials, self-created reviews and tests, class’ projects, and homework, so later on they could download whatever they wanted anytime and anywhere.

Around that time, I had grown a great interest in computers, because I discovered that I had a blank canvas of unlimited possibilities: anything that my mind could conceive, could be created in a computer. Nonetheless I decided to study Civil Engineering because I sought the possibility of joining the computerized knowledge with mechanical and physical analysis learned from the career to create amazing things.

While studying Civil Engineering, I kept expanding my computer knowledge. I managed to get advanced skills in various programming languages: C#, PHP, JavaScript. Which have come of unmeasurable aid on my daily tasks: simplifying hours (even days) in getting my job done.  

I was even more grateful to many educators that impacted me all the way through my career. One of them, Martín Abbott, taught me the importance of running a business and going with the law. Thanks to him, I was able to reassure my passion on developing entrepreneurial adventures.  Tulio Rodríguez, a professor whose philosophy of doing things right and treating people accordingly created an impression on me of what was the direction I needed to take within my career. Also, achieving a PhD in less than 10 years of professional course and getting involved in high-end projects: such as biofuels and wind energy made me admire him more.  

                Nonetheless, Tulio was the orchestrator of my final project. He aided me and my teammates on developing a project, which by several important engineers such as Alfredo Ricart, was labeled as a project at a Master’s degree level.  Thanks to him, my teammates, other collaborators, and I were able to develop what it was called the Analysis of the Seismic Vulnerability of San Rafael’s Tower. Some teachers rated as a Master’s level project.

 

                After ending college I started working on one of the biggest Civil Engineering companies of my country, “Constructora Rizek”, as an internship on a very important road that would border through the country’s capital and improve traffic flow. Thanks to the magnitude of the project, there were several high end machinery and the latest of tech.  I was able to take a glimpse on my specialization which is Construction Management and very related to BIM (Building Information Modeling). I was able to use machinery controlled by GPS and Total Stations which allowed the user to produce perfect cuts and finish.  

With all the knowledge I have acquired through the program, I’m planning on creating hospitals, stadiums, and improving the economy of my country through the service of others, and not at their expense.

I started reading books, started meeting different and highly successful people, and discovered in my inner self the true direction I wanted to take. I had a change in philosophy.

 

In conclusion, until two years ago, I had a vague idea of what I wanted to do with my life. Today I have set course on developing community projects that would enhance the way people live and interact with their environment. I have made the decision long time ago, to have whatever it takes to achieve those goals. Thanks to this program I will be able to learn about the latest advancements in technology, develop new skills and broaden my mental horizons.

 

 

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A couple brief comments:

1) This line: "Since I did great in school and had all my previous class materials, people would usually bug me for giving them what I had, so they could prepare to midterms." came off as snobby to me. I think it is great to include info on how you created a website but I wouldn't include the line I just quoted. Also, in the US it is often considered cheating to give people old copies of assignments. This paragraph could be viewed very negatively. I would change the focus away from copies of old tests and assignments and focus more on the website design and programming aspect maybe.

2) A couple times, you mention that a couple years ago you have no idea what you wanted to do with your life. I don't see a reason to write that in this essay... I don't think it adds anything and if anything, seems like a negative. I would take this out and instead focus more on what you are passionate about now. I also fine this line: "Coming from a family that had its main needs covered, having a huge house, sports car, and expensive clothes and accessories never attracted me." very unnecessary... The adcom probably doesnt care about whether you want a fancy car or not. They want people who are passionate about their field.

3)"Which have come of unmeasurable aid on my daily tasks: simplifying hours (even days) in getting my job done. " This line is great but I would go into examples of what you have done. I think that giving specific examples here could be useful.

 

I hope that helps!

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A couple brief comments:

1) This line: "Since I did great in school and had all my previous class materials, people would usually bug me for giving them what I had, so they could prepare to midterms." came off as snobby to me. I think it is great to include info on how you created a website but I wouldn't include the line I just quoted. Also, in the US it is often considered cheating to give people old copies of assignments. This paragraph could be viewed very negatively. I would change the focus away from copies of old tests and assignments and focus more on the website design and programming aspect maybe.

2) A couple times, you mention that a couple years ago you have no idea what you wanted to do with your life. I don't see a reason to write that in this essay... I don't think it adds anything and if anything, seems like a negative. I would take this out and instead focus more on what you are passionate about now. I also fine this line: "Coming from a family that had its main needs covered, having a huge house, sports car, and expensive clothes and accessories never attracted me." very unnecessary... The adcom probably doesnt care about whether you want a fancy car or not. They want people who are passionate about their field.

3)"Which have come of unmeasurable aid on my daily tasks: simplifying hours (even days) in getting my job done. " This line is great but I would go into examples of what you have done. I think that giving specific examples here could be useful.

 

I hope that helps!

Awesome! Thanks a million for the critic!!! I'll be updating it today-tomorrow and post it back! Really really really, thank you!!

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Thanks again. I'm almost ready for my second version of the SOP. One thing, do I need to put where I come from, like my country?

 

Edit:

Also, there are many technical knowledge involved. Should I explain at least a little bit about what's about.

Edited by superjose
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Yosha! Here it goes the second draft.

 

Statement of Purpose

Creating, and/or improving upon proven concepts or ideas that break the mold and truthfully improve people’s lives has been what makes me feel truly alive. I like to embark on an entrepreneurial adventure and see whatever the project I would do, grow and nourish by helping others in some area of their lives. That is why I have come to the belief that through the application of technology and an improvement in my skillset, I could develop helpful businesses that would impact society. For this reason, through this program, I am planning on learning about new technologies and developing new skills to broad my mental horizons, and apply them back in my country.  I am preparing on taking Construction Management as a Master’s Degree, because I have analyzed that it is a branch of the Civil Engineer that focuses on technological development.

My first example could be traced back to school, when I was around 13, I would create my own tests as reviews and share it with my classmates before the monthlies. The tests would contain all the content that the teacher emphasized and the courseware’s material.  They helped everyone a lot, because the content was precise and you weren’t required to go through the hoard of pages from notebooks and textbooks, since the heavy work was previously done. Furthermore, due to all that research, I scored higher in my tests. It is said that the best way to learn is by teaching. I confirmed this saying.

There was a problem, though, and that was the amount of coverage that we needed for midterms. It required that we compiled all the notes we took in the previous 4 months, and jam it into one test. At that time, some of my classmates and their parents asked me to shell out all the reviews, classes’ notes that I had. It was hell. Dropbox was nonexistent, and there wasn’t an effective way of sharing all these information through my people. There were hours lost in photocopying, scanning, sending, etc. I needed to find a way to improve this method of distribution. The idea of creating a website popped up.

Knowing little, and struggling a lot, I created my first website. It had all the content my classmates needed: reviews, classes’ notes, in-class exercises, allowing me to be more efficient in the delivery. This saved me, and my classmates the hassle of photocopying, scanning, and sending the works. It was heaven. Even the lower grade, who came after us, benefited from the task.

Through the process, I had grown a great interest in computers, because I discovered that I had a blank canvas of unlimited possibilities: anything that my mind could conceive, could be created in a computer. Nonetheless I decided to study Civil Engineering because I sought the possibility of joining the computerized knowledge with mechanical and physical analysis learned from the career to create amazing things.

While studying Civil Engineering, I kept expanding my computer knowledge. I managed to get advanced skills in various programming languages: C#, PHP, JavaScript. Which have come of unmeasurable aid on my daily tasks: simplifying hours (even days) in getting my job done. In a class called Structural Design 2, I was able to create an Excel Spreadsheet with Macros (Special program codes that do a specific task) that saved me three sheets of 10 pages from referencing each other cell. In topography class I was able to suppress uncountable hours by creating a small program that calculated me the difference in altitude.

I was grateful to many educators that impacted me all the way through my career. One of them, Martín Abbott, taught me the importance of running a business and going with the law. Thanks to him, I was able to reassure my passion on developing entrepreneurial adventures.  Tulio Rodríguez, a professor whose philosophy of doing things right and treating people accordingly, created an impression on me of what was the direction I needed to take within my career. Also, achieving a PhD in less than 10 years of professional course and getting involved in high-end projects, such as biofuels and wind energy. made me admire him more. 

                Nonetheless, Tulio was the orchestrator of my final project. He aided me and my teammates on developing a project, which was labeled as a Master’s degree level by renowned engineers such as Alfredo Ricart.  Thanks to him, my teammates, other collaborators, and I, were able to develop what it was called the Analysis of the Seismic Vulnerability of San Rafael’s Tower. Some teachers rated as a Master’s level project.

                After ending college, I started working on one of the biggest Civil Engineering companies of my country, “Constructora Rizek”, as an internship on a very important road that would border the country’s capital and improve traffic flow. Thanks to the magnitude of the project, there were several high end machinery with the latest technology (Machine-controlled by GPS and UTS) which I managed to play around with.  I learned how to operate, configure, and calibrate them.  I was able to take a glimpse on my specialization which is Construction Management and very related to BIM (Building Information Modeling).

I have the belief that I can harness the power of Construction Management with my programming skills, in order to create new ways of developing civil infrastructures. With all the knowledge I am planning to acquire through the program, the technology I will be able to get into contact will boost my country’s economy, and develop concepts that will improve people’s lives.

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