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In urgent need of critique on graduate school SOP

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Please assess the following and give your critical opinion on it thank you :)


Throughout my life in Mongolia many controversial banking failures have occurred where some depositors lost their entire lifetime savings. Baffled by this, I used to religiously check on the latest updates concerning the banks my parents were using to avoid similar losses. During this process I realized my interests in finance were far beyond that of just protection for my parents. While studying finance in university, I read a conference paper by Andrew Sheng that stimulated my interest in risk. He stated that domestic financial systems should be structured to take global shocks through risk management. The relevancy of his statement occurred to me when the Mongolian currency fell 12 percent against the dollar this past year, causing financial losses for many companies. This lead me question whether they took measures against such a risk and if they did, had they failed? Are there limits to the degree to which you can quantify and manage risk, especially in smaller economies? To gain answers to and expand on these questions I decided to pursue the MSc in Financial Risk Management at UCL. By pursuing this degree I am eager to obtain the quantitative skills needed to dive deeper into the complexities of financial risks. While studying under research active professors I hope to be able to relate theory to current events during my time at UCL.


With my specialization in Banking & Finance and Economics I gained analytical and problem solving skills that will benefit my graduate studies. I chose economics in order to understand the environment in which firms operate. Hence I am able to generate and interpret economic indicators for subjective assessments. While studying finance, I have applied asset pricing models, valuation techniques as well as using market data to measure risk and return. Lending Decisions had an assignment where I analyzed the financial standings of a company to approve their loan application. Thus becoming adept in calculating financial ratios and analyzing risk return characteristics. Financial Modeling and Statistics also taught me the uses and limits of sensitivity analysis as well as financial, probabilistic and optimization models. As I attended a university that is research intensive, I have completed independent and group research assignments that will be useful in conducting my future dissertation.  


Additionally, my bachelor’s experience allowed me to step out of my comfort zone. Being an only child, I was an introvert who enjoyed independence. Hence I liked singular activities like playing the piano. However during my studies I realized this restricted me from showcasing my full potential. In response, I dedicated myself to become more active in lectures, group work and in the student community. By my third year, I transitioned into a team player that realized the worth of allowing your voice to be heard. I was also chosen as a leader for two group projects where I effectively allocated tasks and successfully presented them with my team members in a timely manner. Furthermore I joined the Monash University Volunteering Club where I discovered my newfound interest in teaching those with learning disabilities. Through teaching a group of 15 youths how to bowl, I became a better communicator. Given the opportunity to attend UCL, I hope to continue this path through the Volunteering Services Unit.


For the past four months I have been working as a Credit Analyst at the National Investment Bank of Mongolia, a position I secured through my internship at the bank. Work has taught me the skill of mixing analysis with intuition. Especially in reviewing loan applications, where I often have to compare hard financial data with soft judgments of that particular applicant. Also after attending a workshop conducted by the Risk Department, I became aware of the level of numerical skills required for risk analysts. Although after high school I was able to score a 94% in math for my national entrance exams, I plan take a refresher in math with a tutor before commencing graduate study.


The optional modules that interest me are MATHGF06, STATGO17 and STATG022 due to their quantitative and programming aspects. Hence I have begun to familiarize myself with MatLab and C++ through online tutorials. Though this degree is challenging, I believe that in order to achieve greatness one must not be afraid to tackle challenges. In continuing my journey, I am prepared to overcome obstacles that may surface throughout this degree in a culturally and academically diverse environment that UCL offers. As an international student, I would like to contribute new perspectives into discussions from my academic, working and personal experiences. Upon completion of my degree I plan to work as a risk analyst whilst volunteer work. I also have interest in continuing my studies through a PhD as well as becoming a certified FRM. In the long run I envision myself as a leader and an expert in my field who can aid the Mongolian financial sector in becoming globally competitive. 

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