Depression, PTSD - can't get through comps and want to quit

[tryingtoholdon]

Hi fellow gradcafe-ers

 

I've been a longtime lurker and am taking the plunge in order to get some advice. I feel like there is no one who really understands what I am going through, despite talking to my therapist, supervisor, trusted colleagues and loved ones. I am hoping to get some sound advice from you all as fellow grad students and appreciate you taking the time to read my post, which will be long. 

 

I entered my PhD program in 2012 and excelled in my first year. It was difficult after moving to a new city and having to adjust to a new school as well as a new set of colleagues. I had a great funding package which allowed me to live comfortably. I became friends with some people in my cohort and adjusted to life here. I finished my first year feeling pretty good and was preparing to write my comps in the fall of 2013. In summer of 2013, I fell into a depression (this is pretty cyclical for me and I often go through periods of depression every 2-5 years). I am a survivor of trauma and have been diagnosed with complex ptsd, social anxiety, and major depressive disorder. I have been seeking treatment for the past 15 years, so I knew what I had to do when this episode of depression began. I wasn't functioning and was not ready to write my comprehensive exams in the fall. I needed to reduce my stress and I needed to rest. I took a medical leave of absence from January 2014-September 2014. My department and supervisor were supportive. Between Jan-sept 2014, I signed up for an intensive and innovative trauma therapy program at one of the hospitals here in my city, but was put on a waitlist due to an overwhelming demand. I did some work and was active trying to publish an article, and was ready to prepare for my comprehensive exams, which were rescheduled to spring 2015. I started my semester in fall 2014 feeling more hopeful and was willing to tackle my exams. 

 

I received a call mid-September 2014 from the hospital program saying they had a space for me. It would require that I take time off school or work duties (the program requires you attend 4 days a week for about 8 weeks, with more therapeutic groups and visits for weeks afterward). "Okay, I thought to myself, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I am relatively young and thought this might be best for me in the long run to tackle my demons." The problem is my department only allows you to write your exams in the fall or in the spring. So now I had to do my exams this fall (2015), because I wouldn't be done with the trauma therapy program until spring. I told my supervisor and they were very supportive, as before. The hospital program wrote a letter on my behalf and my department and faculty approved another leave, from January 2015-Sept 2015. This means by this September, I will technically be 2.5 years into my program. I was finished with the trauma program at the hospital by March this year.  The program was very informative and life-changing, but at the same time, I feel it opened up pandora's box in terms of my PTSD symptoms.

 

I thought processing my trauma would help, but in reality all it did was make me feel worse. I've been struggling with depression and PTSD symptoms since leaving the trauma program. I haven't touched a book or any work related to the PhD since. I've isolated myself from my academic life (no conferences, no lectures, nothing). I began taking medication recently. I'm trying everything. I've paid so much money out of my own pocket after exhausting my partner's benefits for therapy. I go once a week. I also qualify for another program at the hospital's trauma therapy program and have signed up for free one-on-one therapy there. I feel completely hopeless in terms of my career. I feel like I am a failure and that I entered the program in very good standing and am now watching as all my colleagues are starting to write chapters of their dissertations, or are wrapping up their research. My career and life are falling apart. I am poor now, with no money coming in from my stipend because I am on a leave. I rely entirely on my partner for financial support. My supervisor doesn't know about my condition right now. They're assuming I am going to write my exams this fall. I am nowhere near ready in terms of my health and in terms of studying. I am feeling as though I should just quit and give up. I've been suicidal at some times (don't worry I am always checking-in with my therapist about this). I know part of that is my depression and low self-worth talking, but the more logical and reasonable part of me is saying maybe I am just not cut out for the PhD at this time of my life. I've been struggling for so long that I don't have the energy to keep pushing on in grad school. 

 

My options at this point are: 1) extend the leave and focus on recovery again (but doing this fills me with so much shame, anxiety, and guilt), or 2 withdraw and give up on academia for now to recover, find a job, and maybe come back to the PhD in 1-2 years when I might be more stable. 

 

So my question is do you think it's ridiculous to extend my leave? I feel as though I would be asking too much out of my program. The university allows for 3 terms and they've already extended this limit  for me this year out of compassion. So I would have to ask for more time off and this might not be possible. I would like some input on how this might be perceived by my department. I feel as though I have exhausted all my options and am at a critical point in my career. Or, perhaps hearing from others with similar issues would be helpful. Thank you so much for reading. 

 

edited for typos

Edited July 12, 2015 by tryingtoholdon

[fuzzylogician]

My options at this point are: 1) extend the leave and focus on recovery again (but doing this fills me with so much shame, anxiety, and guilt), or 2 withdraw and give up on academia for now to recover, find a job, and maybe come back to the PhD in 1-2 years when I might be more stable. 

 

So my question is do you think it's ridiculous to extend my leave? I feel as though I would be asking too much out of my program. The university allows for 3 terms and they've already extended this limit  for me this year out of compassion. So I would have to ask for more time off and this might not be possible. I would like some input on how this might be perceived by my department. I feel as though I have exhausted all my options and am at a critical point in my career. Or, perhaps hearing from others with similar issues would be helpful. Thank you so much for reading. 

 

I am so sorry to read about the troubles that you are facing. I think that the way you have been dealing with them is admirable, and I am glad to hear you have someone to support you through it and that you are receiving professional help. I have never had to face anything like this myself, so this post is not based on personal experience but on general knowledge and familiarity with (somewhat) similar situations.  

 

I think there is a question here of what it is that you want. Really, that is the only thing that matters and that should dictate what you choose to do. My guess from reading this post is that you want to continue the PhD now, but you are afraid of failing. I understand. However, I don't think that's a good enough reason not to try. This post will have two parts, one contemplating what you'll want to think about if you come back now, and one contemplating taking a job and returning later. 

 

 

In case you come back now, there are two issues you bring up in your questions. One is a technical question of "can I do this?," which is one you should clear with your department. It sounds like they have been nothing but supportive so far. If you make your intentions clear, I can only assume that they will continue to be supportive. The question on their minds will be whether you really want to be there and whether you can make it. You can assure them that you definitely want to be there, and that once you are recovered, there is no reason why you can't make it. The only reason you have been forced to slow down is your health, not that your interests or priorities have changed. I think they will understand, and I hope that they can bend the rules for you, since this is clearly an exceptional case. 

 

The other, I think more anxiety-inducing question is "what will they think?" and by that there is a faculty question and a students question. The faculty question can be addressed by having a DGS-type person or your advisor email discreetly to explain that there was a health issue holding you back, but you are recovered and intend to fully participate now. (I understand there may be a concern about recovery times and relapses, but you kind of have to assume it'll be alright, or you'll never get started with anything and I don't think that' a good way to live your life). The students question will probably have a similar solution, but it'll have to be you who spreads the word that you were slowed down because of a medical condition. You don't need to give any details. In case this is helpful, I know of someone who has been taking leaves of absence over the last maybe three years, on and off, and I don't really know what the problem is. My own impression, and I don't think it's unique, is that aside from the curiosity about what happened, my main interactions with this person are on a professional level, and if they are doing interesting work then that's all I care about. I think everyone kind of half-expects that this person will drop out and not graduate, certainly not at the same time as their peers who didn't take time off, but we would all be very happy for them if they do succeed. 

 

If you do come back now, I think you need to decide to think of yourself as an incoming second-year student and make friends with the younger students who you may not know right now. It's not fair to compare yourself to your former colleagues who've been working on their research for the two years where you have been dealing with your health. You could never win that kind of comparison, with good reason. You only had one year of grad school. You might even be slow to start as a second-year, given the long break between your first and second year, so I think it's important to have realistic expectations of yourself and the situation. 

 

 

This all said, there is a question whether coming back now is the right choice, as opposed to later. This is something only you can answer, together with your therapist. If trying again right now induces too much anxiety, maybe getting a job for a couple of years as a way to introduce some structure and peace into your life is the right move. There are several advantages to this approach, in my opinion. The main one is the option of starting over with a clean slate. If you come back 5 or more years after you initially started, it may just make sense to start over completely, instead of starting as a second-year. This way you could make friends with a new cohort, and not carry around this past (at least as far as the students are concerned). The second time around should be easier academically, which may also help with preparation for your comp exams. Even if you have to reapply, I think this is doable, especially if you still have the support of your program. I would suggest talking to your advisor and asking about your options, at least as far as having a spot and funding down the line goes.

 

And finally -- and this is very important -- if after working for a few years you decide you no longer want to go back to school, or you want to study a bit in an unofficial capacity and not for a PhD, that is perfectly fine and IS NOT FAILURE. I cannot stress this enough. If you can get yourself out of severe PTSD and build a life for yourself where you are happy and productive, I think there is NOTHING wrong with not going back to the PhD. If you learn that it causes anxiety and affects your health, and you choose to stop and find a good job to improve your health, I think that is a success story if I ever heard one. 

[tryingtoholdon]

I am so sorry to read about the troubles that you are facing. I think that the way you have been dealing with them is admirable, and I am glad to hear you have someone to support you through it and that you are receiving professional help. I have never had to face anything like this myself, so this post is not based on personal experience but on general knowledge and familiarity with (somewhat) similar situations.  

 

Hi fuzzylogician,

 

First, I want to say thank you for taking the time to consider and read my lengthily post, and for writing up a very thoughtful and helpful response. I read it shortly after you posted it, and I've been thinking about my options since then. I was sort of in crisis mode when I posted that, and since then I've taken time for self-care and to reflect on my options. I have come up with a Plan A and a Plan B.

 

I've come to the conclusion that I would like to continue in the PhD but definitely need another term off. So, Plan A involves me checking with my department and my supervisor about the "technical question" regarding extending my leave. It won't be an issue getting supportive medical documentation so I can't imagine why they would say no. I'm really hoping they don't say no because that will be very stressful if they do. I do want to be there, but I want to be there when I am healthy enough to work. 

 

About me being worried about how I will be perceived by others: you bring up a very good point about how it's not worth it to compare myself with my cohort. There are some people in the upper years and in my own cohort who have checked-in to see how I am doing, asking about where I went. Some of that I imagine is curiosity, and probably some of that is genuine worry about how I am doing. I think this, along with what your own experience with that member in your cohort, indicates that that no matter what I do, people will be curious and will wonder what happened to me. Some might ask. Some of them might understand, some of them might not. I can't control what other people think. I know this is a simple and overly-repeated statement, but it's so hard to actually live by those words. I can control what I choose to disclose and I guess this provides me with some comfort, knowing that I can at least control what information people have about me. My department is very competitive and large, so I will have to deal with questions and maybe judgement from people, but I also have the bonus of being somewhat anonymous to the newer cohorts. 

 

So, I would like to come back and hopefully be able to deal with people's questions and my own feelings of insecurity about being off for so long. 

 

I think the idea of coming back in 5 years, after several years away from academia, might not work for me in the end. I didn't want to take up space about this in my original post, but my supervisor upon entering the program passed away suddenly and unexpectedly shortly after I began. So I was placed with someone else (who is great) but they have so many PhD students after taking on those of us who lost our supervisor. I am worried that they won't have space for me in the future. The other problem is my field is so small (we all know each other mostly) that it would stress me out a lot more to have do this. I also think after being out of academia for a long period of time, it might be too intimidating and overwhelming to get back on that horse. I know after being off for several terms and disengaged, I already feel lost. But I might have to do this if the university won't extend my leave. So this is my plan B. I'll deal with this if it comes to that. 

 

 

And finally -- and this is very important -- if after working for a few years you decide you no longer want to go back to school, or you want to study a bit in an unofficial capacity and not for a PhD, that is perfectly fine and IS NOT FAILURE. I cannot stress this enough. If you can get yourself out of severe PTSD and build a life for yourself where you are happy and productive, I think there is NOTHING wrong with not going back to the PhD. If you learn that it causes anxiety and affects your health, and you choose to stop and find a good job to improve your health, I think that is a success story if I ever heard one. 

 

 

Thank you so much for saying this. It's so validating to those of us who are questioning whether or not (for whatever reasons) we truly want the PhD. You're totally right about what my priorities are: to "get myself out of severe PTSD" and to have a happy and healthy life. Thank you for validating that. That is the most important thing for me right now, and that is what I am fighting for. Getting a PhD and building a successful career for myself in academia would be nice, but I can't do that unless I am healthy and stable. Being happy and healthy would be amazing, and any other achievement would be a bonus. 

 

Thanks again for your supportive words, and for helping me believe in the notion that there are decent human beings out there. 

Edited July 14, 2015 by tryingtoholdon