Grad school study schedule with a family

[Jessamary]

Hi all--

I am a first year MFA and MA student with a husband and three kids. While there is some information out there about having a baby during grad school, I have found little-to-none about being in grad school with older kids.

Our kids are 13, 10, and 8. We moved 1200 miles away from everything we knew so I could go to grad school. I'm trying to find my groove here, and it's been hard. 

Besides the social issues I've encountered (no one wants to invite the 36 year-old MOM to outings, even though I'd gladly go), I'm really at a loss as how to create a functioning schedule for myself. When should I study (which right now is just a lot of reading) vs. being with the family, doing the mom thing like grocery shopping and shuttling to kids' activities? My husband is very supportive and will do what I ask of him, but I don't know what to ask right now.

Has anyone been through this before or could point me towards some sites that talk about this? The Google searches are a joke on this topic.

 

[Eigen]

There's no one size-fits all option for this.

Since all your kids are in school, that can help- you can study during the day without taking time away from them. There's also studying at night after they go to bed.

My wife and I try to keep pretty "normal" working hours- 9-5 is for school, after that and weekends is for home. It doesn't always work, and things can get busy, but it's a nice goal.

Not sure where in the state you are, but in my experience, you not being invited out at 36 is unusual. I've got a number of friends in grad school that age with kids. It may be that the age group in your program in particular is younger, in which case I'd encourage you to see what is going on through the graduate school/graduate student organization, as you may be more likely to find people in similar situations in PhD programs in other disciplines.

[bhr]

While not a parent myself, I have a cohort-mate with a very similar family situation. I second Eigen though, that the best thing you can do is treat it like a full time job. Whether that's 8-5, or 6-3, or whatever works for your particular schedule, just dedicate yourself to spending those 40 hours or so a week to school and school alone, as if you went to work every day (since plenty of parents do just that).

 

As for the social stuff, it really just comes down to the group. Have you tried initiating some activities? I have a similar issue (older, feeling disconnected from my cohort), but I've discovered that people show up when I organize something.

[Chiqui74]

I have an elementary-age kid and I had all these grand plans on how I was going to (phd) work from 9 to 5 and as I would a normal job and have the rest of the time "off." I'm only a couple of weeks in but yeah, it hasn't worked out that way.  Basically, I work when his in school, but I also do other things during that time, plus I'm easily distracted by things like the internet. I take a break when he gets home until he goes to bed, then I work some more.  I try not to do much during the weekend but I end up having to do some reading or I get horribly behind.

If you are super-organized and determined, you could do it as a 9 to 5 thing with a lunch break.  Maybe that will happen for me, but for now, it's difficult to balance.  But it's not impossible. Just remember that you cannot read/write 16 hours a day no matter what.   You need to do other things so don't feel guilty when you do.  I may not be as efficient as I want in the time I wanted to allow myself for work, but at least I've learned to suppress the guilt when I'm not doing something related to school, and likewise suppress the guilt when I am spending time with my family and not doing school work.

[ashiepoo72]

I, too, have a school-age child and it helps me maintain a somewhat normal, or I should say consistent, schedule. The way I operate is, the work that needs to get done will get done. I do the bulk of it while my daughter is at school (so say 9-2), with a break for lunch and little 5 minute breaks here and there as needed. Then when she's home, I'm in mom mode. I clean the house, cook dinner, play with her, read stories, whatever. She's in bed by 8, so then I wash dishes and do last minute tidying up, shower, and spend 2ish hours doing more work. If your partner is willing to pick up and drop off the kids, entertain them, etc then a 9-5 schedule might work for you, but it would never work for me...my schedule revolves around my child's, and she isn't in school 9-5 and won't be quiet when it's convenient for me. Even with a partner it's hard to imagine being able to work when the kids are home, unless you can go to a coffee shop or have an office with a lock on the door (although my kid would just bang on it until I relented).

Unlike some parents or people with spouses, I do use weekends to do work because I operate better when I'm not following a Monday-Friday, 9-5 schedule. I'm also a firm believer in my daughter learning independence, so I'll sit and read for an hour at a time, or spend an hour here or there writing, while she plays, works on art projects, etc. This doesn't mean she doesn't interrupt me (she's a kid...my life is defined by interruptions), but for the most part it's pretty productive. I figure I'm hoping to be a career scholar, and she's going to have to get used to me bringing work home.

My situation is a bit different because I'm a single mom and don't have a spouse I also have to fit in my schedule, but I think you basically just need to figure out what the most productive schedule is for you that allows you to be both a mom and student. For me, I know reading a book won't take me more than 2-3 hours, so I try to knock out most of my reading while she's at school. I write better at night, so I like to spend the hours after she's in bed to write. At the end of the day, if I'm able to wash all the dishes, cook my daughter dinner and play with her, I feel like I've done justice to my "mom side." Some days cooking turns into a quick sandwich because of work load changes, and that's ok too...it HAS to be ok sometimes. When it doesn't work out, dust yourself off and keep trying to build a workable schedule. Things come up when you have other people to answer to or take care of...the key is not to be devastated when things don't go according to planned, another reason why I do better with a consistent, but rather flexible, schedule.

Good luck! If anyone can successfully juggle things, it's a parent...remember that.

Edited September 15, 2015 by ashiepoo72