First GRE essay: Request to rate it with comments

[Arpita Nehra]

Hi, 

Below is my first GRE issue essay. Kindly rate it with comments; only comments would also be sufficient. Thanks!

Writing task: A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

Notes:  Agree- Same basic education

No differentials in rich-poor/ bigger and smaller schools

Best talent is brought forward

Equality in opportunities at the graduation level

The main essay

Same curriculum throughout the nation paves the way for equality in job opportunities immediately after schooling and for various college admissions resulting in an increase in efficient employment and literacy in the nation.

A same basic level of knowledge at the school level ensures equality amongst all the classes and regions in college admissions. A girl from a remote village would be able to expect to get into the same college as a person educated in the biggest of the schools in urban areas. It would lead to creation of better job opportunities for all citizens of the country as everybody would be at least educated till the school level and hence could expect to get into jobs like teaching in primary schools, even if they don’t study further and it would help to reduce social evils like child marriage and child labour. Given that, a farmer in a remote village knows that his son would get equal opportunity to enter a college or get the same job as the person who studies in an urban area; he would want his son to pursue his school education instead of getting him married or engaging him into the field from a young age.

However, still it might not be enough to ensure same level of education for all students to increase literacy if the poor people or people from remote areas are stuck with traditional ideas that girls should not work outside of their homes or that college education is very costly- the latter because it might be a demotivation to pursue even school education till some extent.

Anyhow, given the assumption that school education would bring out some bright college students from remote areas and poor people and that, school education provides some kind of employment; requiring all students to study the same curriculum would lead to an increase in efficient employment and literacy in a nation.

 

[Vince Kotchian GRE Prep]

hi Arpita,

I'd give this a 2.5. I would find it easier to follow if you stuck to one major idea per paragraph and developed your ideas instead of just making claims.

For example, you say "A girl from a remote village would be able to expect to get into the same college as a person educated in the biggest of the schools in urban areas." 

and then move on to a different idea, "It would lead to creation of better job opportunities..."

Instead, you could explain why the girl from the remote village could get into the college. 

Remember, you're being graded on your analytical ability. Analyze the sample essays ETS provides on their website and practice UNTIMED before you time yourself again.

[Arpita Nehra]

On 9/13/2015 at 0:38 AM, Vince Kotchian GRE Prep said:

hi Arpita,

I'd give this a 2.5. I would find it easier to follow if you stuck to one major idea per paragraph and developed your ideas instead of just making claims.

For example, you say "A girl from a remote village would be able to expect to get into the same college as a person educated in the biggest of the schools in urban areas." 

and then move on to a different idea, "It would lead to creation of better job opportunities..."

Instead, you could explain why the girl from the remote village could get into the college. 

Remember, you're being graded on your analytical ability. Analyze the sample essays ETS provides on their website and practice UNTIMED before you time yourself again.

Hi Vincent,

I really thank you for the detailed comments and have taken down a note of them.