Please review my SOP, i'm sure it needs some improvements

[Farid89]

Hi all, i'm going to apply to Stavanger, Norway, faculty of Offshore Technology, could you please check my SOP and show me my mistakes?

 

            It has been said that once you find your definite purpose in life and are able to pursue it as your career you just worked your last day, because this burning desire and the enjoyment you get out of your pursuit to advance the industry becomes an enjoyable mission.  Those who have become noteworthy achievers have always been driven by a simple goal, to make a difference. I have found my definite purpose in life and it is to help our country become energy independent - it was reflected in how eager I was to participate in various engineering contests and conferences and getting awards mostly for the unconventional solutions to engineering problems. As the graduation time approached I already knew that I was ready to apply for the University, and it was obvious it would be something in Engineering, but what exactly I wanted to do in Engineering was yet to be decided…This time again, I applied the engineering approach on the choice of the major by answering two very basic questions – where I would bring the most value, and how I can contribute to the country’s wealth.

 

       My country has over 160 years of Petroleum Production History and has just started to boost up its total production and hence the cash inflow while facing difficulties and challenges related to building the new infrastructure and economic framework knowing that very soon the country would likely exhaust its dwindling hydrocarbon resources and have to eventually manage the decline in the cash flow and energy supply for European countries via BTC pipeline. Although it sounded very ambitious for a 16 year old college boy to want to solve the industrial problems, holding bachelor's degree from Azerbaijan State Oil Academy and gaining Oil and Gas related experience make it absolutely doable with the Mechanical Engineering skills that I now possess.

 

     As few of my class-mates, I was also selected into the Young Talents program created by industry specialists to train and develop practical and some theoretical skills of students studying petroleum related disciplines. Apart from passing the exams and delivering the projects within the program I was also one of the very few who was teaching and leading the projects for junior students – the position that I thought would bring value. While teaching was very helpful for junior students but I realized how efficient and quick my development was because of that, and most importantly it was a lot of fun.

     Technical and People skills gained during the years at the Academy and training and lectures within Young Talents program made me a perfect candidate for Hose Integrity Management Team intern position for HYDRASUN in 2008 during which I got valuable knowledge about maintenance and importance of Flexible Hose Assembly failure of which is one the largest contributors to unplanned hydrocarbon release in the oil and gas industry. The next year I participated In intern program of SOCAR (State Oil Company of Azerbaijan Republic) and I was a part of Marketing Operations Management Team, another great challenge for me where I got new for me and priceless information about marketing crude oil and petroleum products.

   I have always strived to increase my knowledge and gain the most experience possible and my efforts were rewarded and noticed as KCA Deutag which is a largest drilling contractor company in Azerbaijan operated by British Petroleum (BP) and the largest offshore drilling contractor in the UK sector of the North Sea, specializing in drilling and engineering services, recruited me. Therefore, another challenging page of my life – offshore, appeared. I started from roustabout, entry level position, very hard and physically demanding job when you have to fulfill your responsibilities in spite of any weather conditions, but it developed my will and toughen me up, gave me practical knowledge of all platform activities. The next step of my career started from the last year when I’ve been promoted on Platform/Helicopter Administrator position. The common stereotype is that office job is easier that outdoor job – well, it’s not completely true. I have bunch of responsibilities which includes daily prioritization meetings regarding to POB planning (personnel on board) with platform management, helicopter and vessel operations, allocation and safety induction for new arrivals, emergency responsibilities as a focal point for all communications between Incident Control Team and vessels/helicopters within the area during possible emergency situation. Moreover, one of my main responsibilities is supervising of Accommodation vessel which is alongside to support our platform during TAR (Turnaround) phase which means 2 shift changes (day/night) per day of approximately 180 people.

          .This urge to obtain profound understanding and specialized knowledge in my areas of interest, has made me opt for Graduate studies in M.Sc. in Offshore Technology. As UiS is known for its practical approach and industry interface, I am confident that M.Sc. in Offshore Technology will serve my hunger for learning. Surely, Stavanger University will be really a personal challenge, one challenge among several challenges to face in the future, literally a personal growth. 

[Farid89]

Guys, just kind reminder, really urgent.

[HermoineG]

Hi all, i'm going to apply to Stavanger, Norway, faculty of Offshore Technology, could you please check my SOP and show me my mistakes?

 

            It has been said that once you find your definite purpose in life and are able to pursue it as your career you just worked your last day, because this burning desire and the enjoyment you get out of your pursuit to advance the industry becomes an enjoyable mission.  Those who have become noteworthy achievers have always been driven by a simple goal, to make a difference. I have found my definite purpose in life and it is to help our country become energy independent - it was reflected in how eager I was to participate in various engineering contests and conferences and getting awards mostly for the unconventional solutions to engineering problems. As the graduation time approached I already knew that I was ready to apply for the University, and it was obvious it would be something in Engineering, but what exactly I wanted to do in Engineering was yet to be decided…This time again, I applied the engineering approach on the choice of the major by answering two very basic questions – where I would bring the most value, and how I can contribute to the country’s wealth. - This seems irrelevant to me. How you narrowed down your choices is nobody's business. Everyone goes through the same process. Also, IMO you are coming across as "solution driven" rather than "wanting the learn the methods and principles of whatever your field is". Of course, you should be talking about what you want to get out of the program (good career with lots of money), but your focus should be on what you will learn (at least in your statement).

 

 

       My country has over 160 years of Petroleum Production History and has just started to boost up its total production and hence the cash inflow while facing difficulties and challenges related to building the new infrastructure and economic framework knowing that very soon the country would likely exhaust its dwindling hydrocarbon resources and have to eventually manage the decline in the cash flow and energy supply for European countries via BTC pipeline. Although it sounded very ambitious for a 16 year old college boy to want to solve the industrial problems, holding bachelor's degree from Azerbaijan State Oil Academy and gaining Oil and Gas related experience make it absolutely doable with the Mechanical Engineering skills that I now possess. I really like this paragraph.

 

 

     As few of my class-mates (you dont need to specify this), I was also selected into the Young Talents program created by industry specialists to train and develop practical and some theoretical skills of students studying petroleum related disciplines. Apart from passing the exams and delivering the projects within the program I was also one of the very few who was teaching and leading the projects for junior students – the position that I thought would bring value. While teaching was very helpful for junior students but I realized how efficient and quick my development was because of that, and most importantly it was a lot of fun.

 

     Technical and People (unnecessary capitalization) skills gained during the years at the Academy and training and lectures within Young Talents program made me a perfect candidate for Hose Integrity Management Team intern position for HYDRASUN in 2008 during which I got valuable knowledge about maintenance and importance of Flexible Hose Assembly failure of which is one the largest contributors to unplanned hydrocarbon release in the oil and gas industry. The next year I participated In intern program of SOCAR (State Oil Company of Azerbaijan Republic) and I was a part of Marketing Operations Management Team, another great challenge for me where I got new for me and priceless information about marketing crude oil and petroleum products.

 

   I have always strived to increase my knowledge and gain the most experience possible and my efforts were rewarded and noticed as KCA Deutag which is a largest drilling contractor company in Azerbaijan operated by British Petroleum (BP) and the largest offshore drilling contractor in the UK sector of the North Sea, specializing in drilling and engineering services, recruited me. Therefore, another challenging page of my life – offshore, appeared. I started from roustabout, entry level position, very hard and physically demanding job when you have to fulfill your responsibilities in spite of any weather conditions, but it developed my will and toughen me up, gave me practical knowledge of all platform activities. The next step of my career started from the last year when I’ve been promoted on Platform/Helicopter Administrator position. The common stereotype is that office job is easier that outdoor job – well, it’s not completely true. I have bunch of responsibilities which includes daily prioritization meetings regarding to POB planning (personnel on board) with platform management, helicopter and vessel operations, allocation and safety induction for new arrivals, emergency responsibilities as a focal point for all communications between Incident Control Team and vessels/helicopters within the area during possible emergency situation. Moreover, one of my main responsibilities is supervising of Accommodation vessel which is alongside to support our platform during TAR (Turnaround) phase which means 2 shift changes (day/night) per day of approximately 180 people.

 

          .This urge to obtain profound understanding and specialized knowledge in my areas of interest, has made me opt for Graduate studies in M.Sc. in Offshore Technology. As UiS is known for its practical approach and industry interface, I am confident that M.Sc. in Offshore Technology will serve my hunger for learning. Surely, Stavanger University will be really a personal challenge, one challenge among several challenges to face in the future, literally a personal growth. - Not sure I understand what you mean by this sentence.

 

I'm definitely not an expert, so take my comments with a grain of salt. Good luck!

[Farid89]

Thanks mate, really appreciated your answer. Regarding first highlight - do you think i need to remove it from my SOP?

 

Last one: it's like a call, to get admission and be a student in Stavanger. 

Waiting for your comments. Thanks again.

 

 

[HermoineG]

Thanks mate, really appreciated your answer. Regarding first highlight - do you think i need to remove it from my SOP?

Yes, I would remove it because it is not adding anything qualitatively different about you.

Last one: it's like a call, to get admission and be a student in Stavanger.  - Okay, you probably want to make this sentence more precise in that case? It is the last sentence of your statement and it needs to be really clear.

Waiting for your comments. Thanks again.

Good luck!

 

[eggfish]

I agree that the last sentence needs to be rewritten.