Stuggling to Participate in Seminars

[jeb2433]

Hi All,

I am a first year PhD student in the humanities and I have been struggling with participation in seminars.  More specifically with articulating my opinions/thoughts with any clarity. In the seminar I am having the most trouble with we have to post every week to a course blog, which the professors then pull from during the seminar. The professors like my points and will bring them up in seminar, but when they do I just fall apart. My brain no longer functions, sometimes I trail off in the middle of a sentence. I have so much to say about the texts but it just flies away when I am in the seminar room. It's awkward and not getting better. In fact every week it gets worse because I put more pressure on myself. I think it's a combination of two things: 1) I made a huge jump in terms of prestige in this program (from a state school to an ivy league, i am also non-traditional, first generation, absent parents,homeless off and on growing up, etc). I think I just feel so much less "shiny" than my peers, many came from Ivy leagues, most have studied abroad, they are well read and at ease talking about books (I never had a 10 min conversation about a book let alone a 3hr seminar before grad school), comfortable networking and confident in their opinions. I know intellectually I didn't fake my way in, but I don't know how to feel it. So in short: imposter syndrome. 2) I also think I have issues with anxiety and possibly mild depression. I have an appointment to see a therapist to try and deal from that angle.

My question for you all is should I approach the professors for the course to give them a sense of what is going on? I met briefly with one of the two early in the semester and he asked me why I did not participate very much, and said my blog posts were among the best. I told him I was shy and a little frustrated with my performance, and he gave me a few tips but I have not improved...I've gotten worse. I guess I just want them to know I want to do better, but I have hit a roadblock and don't know how. I have no interest in telling them my life story (I can't possibly be the only student with this sort of background) or that I am dealing with anxiety and maybe depression, but I was thinking of just going in and saying I am struggling with this, do you have any tips/strategies/suggestions for being more articulate. That way they know I know it's a problem, but I am not oversharing.

Thanks!

Edited October 28, 2015 by jeb2433

[shadowclaw]

First, stop worrying about being "shiny." There will always be someone shinier, no matter how awesome something thinks they are. Chances are that some of these really shiny people feel very insecure, too. This perceived shininess is also pretty irrelevant... you were accepted to the same school as these people, so clearly you have something to offer and you belong there just as much as your peers. Just because someone has traveled internationally, had the opportunity to read seemingly endless numbers of books, and speaks well doesn't equate to being a better student than you. Moving up from a state school to an Ivy is also irrelevant. You are the same person. You might get challenged differently, but no one expects you to magically be transformed into some kind of super student because of a jump in prestige. This relates back to shininess being irrelevant... you shouldn't be judging yourself by how you perceive others to be. 

Now that I got that out of the way, my first question for you is: do you bring any type of notes with you to seminar? You might have lots to say, but it's easy to forget things, especially if you're nervous. Having some concrete thoughts written down is really quite helpful when your head empties itself. I've also found that when I suddenly forget what I'm saying, it helps to try to keep talking, because it's easy for the thought to come back.

My next question is: do you interact with your classmates outside of class at all? If you don't get to know these people beyond classroom interactions, you're going to put them up on a pedestal and it's going to make you feel even more inadequate. If you talk with them outside of class, you'll probably start to feel more comfortable around them and that will probably help with some of the anxiety. Getting to know your professors a bit helps, too. Especially when you find out about some of the dumb things they've done, or the time they almost failed a class, or that you're both into early Metallica but can't stand their newer stuff.

I think talking to your professors about your concerns is always a good thing. Professors usually understand this sort of stuff. I had a wonderful professor who taught using the Socratic method, and he knew that students' minds often went empty when put on the spot. So he gently tried to lead them in the right direction by asking more questions. If your professor knows you need help articulating yourself, he/she might be willing to help pull it out of you. Whether or not you want to share your life history with them is your business, but just talking with them about your struggles in class can only help you.

 

[fuzzylogician]

^ This. 

I've ranted about perceived shininess (I like that word!) and reality many times, so I'll keep it short. Everyone might seem shiny from the outside, but I guarantee you even the shiniest ones look at others and feel insecure about something. You are there just as they are, and you have just as much the potential to succeed. Some of this feeling of inadequacy will pass away with time, and hopefully as you interact more with others you'll discover that everyone shares a version of this feeling. 

As for talking in class, I don't know what you're doing at the moment but maybe it'd help to both print out and bring with you a copy of your blog entries, and also create bullet points in case you're called on in class. It's easy to get flustered or confused, and bullet points should help you get your main points across. This, too, is something that should improve with time. I also support the suggestion to talk to your professors about this. Most of them will be very understanding. I don't think you need to talk at all about feeling inadequate or tell them your life story, it's enough to just explain that your mind goes blank and you feel anxious. You are not the first or only one that this has happened to, it's a common issue with lots of students (for one, I can tell you that a version of this happened to pretty much every international (non-native speaker) student I know, and to lots of North American ones as well).