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Please help me review my SOP, I want to submit my app soon.


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The impact of energy on the environment is diverse, the world depends on fossil fuel for more than 80% of its energy needs and this dependence threatens our environment. Growing up in the oil rich region of xxx where the negative environmental impact of crude oil exploration is most palpable was the bedrock of my passion in energy and environment. I am motivated to find an alternative source of energy with less negative impact on the environment, better ways of fossil fuel combustion and a sustainable environment for all.

 

My undergraduate degree program in Chemical Engineering broadened my knowledge in the area of energy and environment. My coursework in Environmental pollution and Energy engineering improved my awareness and gave me a clear focus on where my research interest lies. During my internship with a petrochemical company, I observed that they dispose their wastewater into the nearby River without treatment and it contaminates the river, this formed the basis of my undergraduate thesis. I worked on  "COAGULATION-FLOCCULATION TREATMENT OF INDUSTRIAL WASTE WATER USING ORGANIC COAGULANT". I discovered that cheap coagulants like egg shell or fishbone can be used as coagulants with more than 70% to drastically reduce the turbidity of industrial wastewater before disposal. I approached the company with my results and they are working on its implementation. 
My attraction to the Chemical Engineering department Masters program at the University of xxx is because of its clear research focus on clean energy and sustainable environmental, with extensive laboratories for conducting world class research, the department also collaborates with multidisciplinary research centres like Fraunhofer Society, Clean Energy Research Centre (CERC), Bioenergy Research and Demostration Facility(BDRF) etc. They have honorary professors and scholars with diverse academic background and ample research experience. The area of clean energy has witnessed steady progress in the department and the work of prof. Peter Englezos in the journal titled  "GAS HYDRATES: A CLEANER SOURCE OF ENERGY AND OPPORTUNITY FOR INNOVATIVE TECHNOLOGIES" gave me  an insight of how a country like xxx can move from harmful combustion of fossil fuel to development of clean energy technologies. The department co-operative education program for M.A.Sc. students will help me gain  industrial experience, a deeper understanding of my research work and makes me better prepared for Doctorate degree. 
Throughout my undergraduate, I worked part-time as a physics teacher in a high school and  this experience improved my multi-tasking ability and has prepared me well for the rigors and challenge of graduate school. I will bring to the program, a great passion of someone who has witnessed firsthand, the harmful effects of fossil fuel exploration on the environment with an incredible capacity and motivation to find a way out.
As an ambitious young Chemical Engineer with passion for clean energy and sustainable environment, University of British Columbia is the perfect fit for me. It will give me the platform to further develop under the mentorship of its outstanding faculty members. I will have the opportunity to make my own contribution through Engineering in making the world a better place. I am a hardworking and passionate individual and it will be an honor to be part of this exceptional institution

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On 11/4/2015, 9:48:34, Rickypet said:

The impact of energy on the environment is diverse, the world depends on fossil fuel for more than 80% of its energy needs and this dependence threatens our environment. Growing up in the oil rich region of xxx where the negative environmental impact of crude oil exploration is most palpable was the bedrock of my passion in energy and environment. I am motivated to find an alternative source of energy with less negative impact on the environment, better ways of fossil fuel combustion and a sustainable environment for all.

Try: "the negative environmental impact of crude oil exploration is palpable and provided the bedrock of my passion for clean energy and a healthy environment I am motivated to work toward the improvement and proliferation of alternative energy sources which will have fewer negative impacts on the environment, and to research better ways to use fossil fuels while maintaining a sustainable environment for all."

Next paragraph, your internship: you should name the company (you probably do in the unedited version). And:

On 11/4/2015, 9:48:34, Rickypet said:

I discovered that cheap coagulants like egg shell or fishbone can be used as coagulants with more than 70% to drastically reduce the turbidity of industrial wastewater before disposal. I approached the company with my results and they are working on its implementation. 

Did you make this discovery? Or is it some form of common knowledge (I don't know this field)? Also, write: "coagulants with more than 70% efficacy to drastically reduce..."

 

Next paragraph: "Diverse academic backgrounds"... "The department's cooperative education..." 

Next paragraph: "Throughout my undergraduate studies..." "I will bring to the program and a great passion as someone who has witnessed..." (no comma)

 

Good luck my friend

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