Can anyone give me some suggestion about my SoP?

[JuneYan]

I am kind of stuck by my SoP. Can any one give me some suggestion about the opening paragraph of my SoP? I think it is a little boring but I do not know how to make an improvement.

Here is the opening paragraph:

Imagine a young lady sitting contentedly facing to the computer with codes and papers on the screen line by line. It is the epitome of my past two years, most time of which has been dedicated to academic research. During this period, I developed a nuanced understanding about the significance of research, which to me, has become a meaningful way of exploring the brand-new concepts and innovation based on my bold imagination, rational derivation and scientific experiment.. Above all, I realized scientific research is no longer the privilege of only a few super smart people, but can be achieved through my perseverance and tenacity. Interested in computer science for a long time, I decided to scale new heights both academically and professionally in this field through a Ph.D. program.

[Elvidi]

I would cut the first sentence entirely. It's awkward and doesn't tell me anything interesting. also, don't say "super smart". 

I guess it's difficult to really critique this since I don't know what's in the rest of your statement, but maybe you can start with this? Good luck!

[sjoh197]

I have spent my past two years dedicated to academic research, during which I have developed a nuanced understanding about the significance of research. I have come to understand its meaningful way of exploring new concepts and innovation - based on bold imagination, rational derivation and scientific experiment. Above all, I have realized that scientific research  is my passion, and I have decided to scale new heights both academically and professionally through a Ph.D. program.

[sarajop]

47 minutes ago, sjoh197 said:

I have spent my past two years dedicated to academic research, during which I have developed a nuanced understanding about the significance of research. I have come to understand its meaningful way of exploring new concepts and innovation - based on bold imagination, rational derivation and scientific experiment. Above all, I have realized that scientific research  is my passion, and I have decided to scale new heights both academically and professionally through a Ph.D. program.

Sentence one: What does "nuanced understanding" mean? Be specific in your statement.

Sentence 2: innovation is overused. We all know that imagination, rationality, and experimentation are important to science, so this has the feel of a filler sentence.

Sentence 3: "scale new heights" is a cliche. Don't tell us you've realized its your passion, show us why that's happened.

 

All in all: Your writing is pretty, but this has the feel of a filler to me. Make sure that every word explains something that the audience didn't know coming in to the statement.

[sjoh197]

9 minutes ago, sarajop said:

All in all: Your writing is pretty, but this has the feel of a filler to me. Make sure that every word explains something that the audience didn't know coming in to the statement.

^^^^ I personally wouldn't have written any of these sentences lol (no offense to the original writer) But was instead attempting to to turn her paragraph into something slightly less rambly without completely changing it. The whole paragraph is basically filler fluff that could be brought down to 2 concise sentences. This is computer science, not poetry.

Honestly June Yan, I  would have simply said something along the lines of "I've done X research for X years. I would like to pursue a career involving Y research. In an attempt to accomplish this goal... I am pursuing a PhD in blah blah blah.