Depression & Graduate School

[Viva]

Where do I begin? Recently, I have experienced a major reduction in confidence and am wondering whether I should pursue a Master's rather than a PhD. I eventually want to pursue a PhD but think I may need more experience before I go that route. I have contacted numerous prospective supervisors and almost all of them have told me to apply as a doctoral candidate for funding reasons and because of my research experience. Despite this, I still feel conflicted.

I struggle with depression which is at times debilitating and I have accumulated incompletes and even withdrew from my undergraduate program for a year because of it. I know that I want to go to graduate school (because frankly, biology is one of the few things that motivates me to deal with the depression rather than give up) but I feel like I might need to take progressive steps rather than jumping into a PhD. My uncertainty is also rooted in my fears that I will not be admitted into my top choice universities and I think that if I am not accepted to those universities, a Master's at a less appealing university would suffice until I apply again for a PhD. But lately, I have been thinking that even if I got into my top choice school, I am not prepared (experientially or mentally) to pursue a PhD.

I am writing because I would welcome any advice from people with similar circumstances or anyone who would be willing to give me a different perspective on my situation. Here is some more information about me and my statistics:

Research Interests

Neuroethology, neuroendocrinology, magnetoreception, animal navigation and migration, and polar biology.

Statistics

Major: Marine Science / Biology

Minor: Chemistry

GPA: 3.96 Major: 3.93 Minor: 3.88

GRE: 670 V / 650 M / 5.0 A

Research Experience: I have worked in 3 labs and completed 1 REU project. I have volunteered at an animal sanctuary and as a field assistant in Argentina. No publications, unfortunately. 1 oral presentation. 1 poster presentation.

Teaching Experience: I was a teaching assistant for a HHMI lab one semester.

Universities I am interested in

In no particular order:

U.S. Universities

University of Chicago

Cornell University

University of Indiana – Bloomington

Michigan State University

Virginia Tech

University of Massachusetts - Amherst

Bowling Green State University

Wake Forest University

University of Maine

University of Wisconsin – Madison

University of Minnesota

University of Michigan

Texas A&M University

Scripps Institute of Oceanography, UCSD

University of Alaska – Fairbanks

University of California – Davis

University of California – Santa Cruz

University of Maryland

University of North Carolina – Chapel Hill

University of North Carolina - Wilmington

University of Washington

Canadian Universities

Dalhousie University

McGill University

McMaster University

University of British Columbia

I would also welcome any information from people who have applied to or attended any of the aforementioned universities. Do my statistics make admittance into these universities possible?

I truly appreciate your comments and assistance.

Edited October 30, 2009 by Viva

[LateAntique]

I think a lot of people are humbled by the whole application process. In fact, I don't think it stops here. A lot of people develop 'impostor syndrome' at this point in their academic career and into grad school years. Even people like yourself, who have apparently done *really* well in their undergrad program (nice numbers!), get hit with this.

Your numbers are impressive. Your GPA is outstanding, you've done above average on the GRE, you seem to have done good extra-curricular stuff (being a TA, doing research). Honestly - you should shoot for the moon here. I can't see any reason why you wouldn't get into at least some of the programs you're hoping to get into. Don't sell yourself short.

I have not attended any of those universities, but I can tell you that going to UNCW is pretty dangerous if you're a beach person. For one - it's hard to go to class/lab when you've got an ocean down the road from you. I have several friends who moved down there for undergrad and never left (or went to grad school and then moved back). It's addictive, apparently.

[JerryLandis]

What is "impostor syndrome?" Is it where you feel like a fake because you have to make your research interests sound interesting, new, and deeply important to you, even if it means bullshitting a little (or a lot)? I know what I want to study and am very committed to a specific research area, but I am willing to be flexible about exactly what I talk about in a PhD thesis - hell, I wouldn't even be starting it for 2 years. Nevertheless, I feel that I have to embellish my interests a lot to make them appeal to professors in my field. I know I'm smart enough to do well in their program, but that doesn't make much of a difference - I need to convince them, random strangers who have never met me!

I applied early to my undergraduate institution and as such have never experienced the sting of rejection. However, I know that I will almost certainly be rejected from all the PhD programs I am applying to, which is why I am putting a lot of effort into applications for masters programs as well. I have pretty much accepted the fact that I will probably be attending one of these institutions, not one of the places I really really want to get into. I have already told this to my parents, my friends, and my teachers, because I don't want people getting their hopes up for me, and I don't want to be embarrassed when I get rejected. The fact that the economic situation right now is horrible will make me feel a bit better when I do get rejected, because then my family won't think I'm an idiot compared with my amazingly intelligent cousins who got into and completed great doctoral programs. With this mindset, if I do happen to get into one of my PhD programs, I will be ecstatic, but I won't be quite to disappointed if that's not the case.

I don't really know what to say about being depressed once enrolled in a graduate program. I feel "depressed" all the time as an undergraduate because of the pressure of work, and because no one around me seems to be bothered by work at all. While I am slaving away, everyone else is lying around watching TV, getting drunk every night, having a great time. I'm always the killjoy, telling people I can't go out with them every time they ask. I think that enrolling in a PhD program could really change this problem, because I'd be around people who also are committed to their work. I've always been a nerd but I've never really had nerdy friends. Masters program, not so much. Everyone I know who is doing a masters program at my current institution goes out all the time, and they are all really social because they are only here for such a short time before finishing their degree, that they really want to get the most of it and meet a lot of people. That kind of environment probably won't be the best for me, but at least it's only a year-long thing. I don't know exactly what it is that is making you unhappy, and I think you should ask people who know you better if attending a grad program right now is the best thing to do. Perhaps you should look up, just in case, which programs allow you to defer entry. As for applying though, you should definitely apply. Your grades and everything look great, it looks like you have a good amount of experience, etc. Maybe applying to that many programs will be a bit difficult, but it's good to have a long list of places to consider. Most of those places sound like wonderful, happy places to be. I would kill to be able to live in Santa Cruz, unfortunately they don't have any relevant professors for me. Good luck!

[dithering]

If biology gives you the confidence and motivation to overcome your depression or at least to persist, by all means, pursue it as far as you possibly can as soon as you desire! Personally, I know that selling myself short would ultimately screw up my confidence even more and make me feel less accomplished. But your stats are wonderful and it looks like you have a great shot.

The fact is, if you know confidence is a clinical issue, you will always have some form of doubt, whether now or after an MA...

[Viva]

I think a lot of people are humbled by the whole application process. In fact, I don't think it stops here. A lot of people develop 'impostor syndrome' at this point in their academic career and into grad school years. Even people like yourself, who have apparently done *really* well in their undergrad program (nice numbers!), get hit with this.

Your numbers are impressive. Your GPA is outstanding, you've done above average on the GRE, you seem to have done good extra-curricular stuff (being a TA, doing research). Honestly - you should shoot for the moon here. I can't see any reason why you wouldn't get into at least some of the programs you're hoping to get into. Don't sell yourself short.

I have not attended any of those universities, but I can tell you that going to UNCW is pretty dangerous if you're a beach person. For one - it's hard to go to class/lab when you've got an ocean down the road from you. I have several friends who moved down there for undergrad and never left (or went to grad school and then moved back). It's addictive, apparently.

Wow. I have never heard of impostor syndrome but after reading about it today, I must say that I identify with it quite well. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I am going to read more on the subject.

I also appreciate your kind remarks about my statistics and experience. I think I will apply to a number of programs (master's and PhD) this year and see what happens. I am quite afraid of failure and am arriving at the conclusion that life is a series of disappointments punctuated by occasional bouts of satisfaction but ultimately I think I will be more upset with myself if I do not apply for the programs I would really like to be in (at least when I am not doubting myself). Thanks again for your feedback.

[Viva]

If biology gives you the confidence and motivation to overcome your depression or at least to persist, by all means, pursue it as far as you possibly can as soon as you desire! Personally, I know that selling myself short would ultimately screw up my confidence even more and make me feel less accomplished. But your stats are wonderful and it looks like you have a great shot.

The fact is, if you know confidence is a clinical issue, you will always have some form of doubt, whether now or after an MA...

I concur. I will likely always struggle with personal doubt and ambivalence but I will be more disappointed with myself if I "sell myself short" as you put it.

I am supposed to have a number of phone interviews with prospective supervisors today, this weekend and next week so I am hoping my communication with them will also give me some more encouragement and confidence.

Thank you for writing.

[coyabean]

Thank you for posting this. We discussed something similar on lj recently.

As far as depression goes you have to learn to live despite the feeling. I know it seems crazy, but sometimes I'm depressed, I acknowledge it and then I do what I think I cannot do anyway knowing that one day I will NOT be depressed and it would be nice to have a life waiting for me when that happens.

Grad school is going to be a little more difficult, but that challenge can also make you more effective. I would go schedule an appointment with the health center and therapist as soon as you arrive at your program. Outline your history, get your meds if you take them and set up a schedule to meet with them. Try to get them to promise to check on you if you don't meet that obligation.

Do the same with your friends. Give them permission to call you on your symptoms.

Having said all of that, being depressed is a lot harder when you're also in a dead end job, in a dead end city in a life that isn't yours. Go for the gold in your apps. You are more than qualified. The idea of being a producer of knowledge is intimidating as shyt. I am more worried about the folks who DON'T have a healthy dose fear or inadequacy. Let that fear motivate you to polish your SOP one more time, to do one more reading session, etc. ONe of the reasons I obsess about the things I can control - SOPs, GRE, etc. - is because it keeps me from going under the wave of pressure of the many things beyond my control.

I can tell you the best way to not get into a program is to not apply.

Throw in some masters programs if they make you feel more secure. I am doing the same. And then apply to every school on your list. You deserve the chance to be considered. And if you pulled those stats with depression I am confident that with a support system and a plan that you can do whatever it is you want to do.

[UnlikelyGrad]

Viva,

You are exactly where I was a year ago. I, too, suffer from chronic depression...and a consequent lack of self-confidence.

I, too, suffered from the delusion that I wouldn't be able to hack a Ph.D. program, and accordingly had several M.S. schools on my list. The story is here:

http://unlikelygrad.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/where-to-apply/

Brief summary: I ended up applying to 9 Ph.D. programs on others' advice, got into 4 (including one stellar one), and ended up in a program where I am not only content, but thriving. Which is not to say that I don't still suffer attacks of depression from time to time.

[Viva]

Thank you for posting this. We discussed something similar on lj recently.

As far as depression goes you have to learn to live despite the feeling. I know it seems crazy, but sometimes I'm depressed, I acknowledge it and then I do what I think I cannot do anyway knowing that one day I will NOT be depressed and it would be nice to have a life waiting for me when that happens.

Grad school is going to be a little more difficult, but that challenge can also make you more effective. I would go schedule an appointment with the health center and therapist as soon as you arrive at your program. Outline your history, get your meds if you take them and set up a schedule to meet with them. Try to get them to promise to check on you if you don't meet that obligation.

Do the same with your friends. Give them permission to call you on your symptoms.

Having said all of that, being depressed is a lot harder when you're also in a dead end job, in a dead end city in a life that isn't yours. Go for the gold in your apps. You are more than qualified. The idea of being a producer of knowledge is intimidating as shyt. I am more worried about the folks who DON'T have a healthy dose fear or inadequacy. Let that fear motivate you to polish your SOP one more time, to do one more reading session, etc. ONe of the reasons I obsess about the things I can control - SOPs, GRE, etc. - is because it keeps me from going under the wave of pressure of the many things beyond my control.

I can tell you the best way to not get into a program is to not apply.

Throw in some masters programs if they make you feel more secure. I am doing the same. And then apply to every school on your list. You deserve the chance to be considered. And if you pulled those stats with depression I am confident that with a support system and a plan that you can do whatever it is you want to do.

You're welcome and thank you for your kind reply. I do not have much of a support system so I truly appreciate everyone's feedback.

That is good advice to get in touch with the health center and a therapist as soon as I arrive. I feel like I am at war with myself everyday and I know I will benefit from that kind of help in a new (and probably stressful) graduate environment.

I have been working on my SOPs and you are correct that fear can motivate one to improve but I really struggle with writing about myself. When your opinion of yourself is as low as mine, it is very difficult to write in a positive light. I feel like if I do not acknowledge my inadequacies that I am being fraudulent but I know this is probably not the best way to approach writing an SOP. I tend to be too candid about certain things. I am not sure whether I have to explain why I have not graduated yet because I have four incompletes on my transcript from Spring 2009. I am worried the adcomm will view me negatively because of the incompletes which I probably will not finish until December (at the earliest). Lately my depression has intensified which makes it difficult to do anything especially considering I have these incompletes and am applying for the NSF fellowship as well as graduate school. Has anyone been in this type of a situation? Applying to graduate school with incompletes? Did you mention why you had the incompletes in your SOP?

[Viva]

Viva,

You are exactly where I was a year ago. I, too, suffer from chronic depression...and a consequent lack of self-confidence.

I, too, suffered from the delusion that I wouldn't be able to hack a Ph.D. program, and accordingly had several M.S. schools on my list. The story is here:

http://unlikelygrad.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/where-to-apply/

Brief summary: I ended up applying to 9 Ph.D. programs on others' advice, got into 4 (including one stellar one), and ended up in a program where I am not only content, but thriving. Which is not to say that I don't still suffer attacks of depression from time to time.

Thank you so much for your post and the link to your blog. It is comforting to know that there are other people struggling with depression and yet succeeding despite of it. I am so glad for you and I wish you all the best. For my field animal behavior / neuroscience, I am actually finding it quite difficult to locate master's programs and most of the advisors I find at institutions offering master's tell me to go for a doctorate instead. So no matter how hard I try to find a master's program, everything seems to be pushing me towards a doctorate which I ultimately wanted anyway so I suppose I have to face my fears, apply and see what happens.

[UnlikelyGrad]

Thank you so much for your post and the link to your blog. It is comforting to know that there are other people struggling with depression and yet succeeding despite of it. I am so glad for you and I wish you all the best. For my field animal behavior / neuroscience, I am actually finding it quite difficult to locate master's programs and most of the advisors I find at institutions offering master's tell me to go for a doctorate instead. So no matter how hard I try to find a master's program, everything seems to be pushing me towards a doctorate which I ultimately wanted anyway so I suppose I have to face my fears, apply and see what happens.

Well, good. I get the feeling that you would do well in a Ph.D. program. I do have some advice though:

(1) Go to a small school where you'll get more one-on-one attention...I think this will help you cope.

(2) When looking for an advisor, make sure you find one who can cope with your affliction. Some people have very medieval ideas about depression (or mental illness in general), and working for such a person could easily lead to lack of success. My last PI had a wife who suffered from depression...he was spectacularly good at dealing with me.

[coyabean]

Well, good. I get the feeling that you would do well in a Ph.D. program. I do have some advice though:

(1) Go to a small school where you'll get more one-on-one attention...I think this will help you cope.

(2) When looking for an advisor, make sure you find one who can cope with your affliction. Some people have very medieval ideas about depression (or mental illness in general), and working for such a person could easily lead to lack of success. My last PI had a wife who suffered from depression...he was spectacularly good at dealing with me.

I want to thank you for this, too! I think you have a point with small programs. How it is I missed that I have performed best when I had a respectful mentor-mentee relationship is beyond me. But when you said this I reflected and there was the pattern! Something I should seriously consider in the coming months as I pray for admission decisions.

And I want to second number 2. My school PCP didn't want to give me meds even though my counselor made it clear that at the time I was suicidal. Not something I'm proud of, btw, but the truth. She wanted me to manage my insane crying jags and almost total loss of short term memory with tea and exercise. :/

[Viva]

Well, good. I get the feeling that you would do well in a Ph.D. program. I do have some advice though:

(1) Go to a small school where you'll get more one-on-one attention...I think this will help you cope.

(2) When looking for an advisor, make sure you find one who can cope with your affliction. Some people have very medieval ideas about depression (or mental illness in general), and working for such a person could easily lead to lack of success. My last PI had a wife who suffered from depression...he was spectacularly good at dealing with me.

Thank you for the encouragement. I have some small schools on my list. I am looking at some universities in big cities and others in smaller cities. At this point, I am really looking forward to the anonymity I will have after moving to a new state. I have been in Florida way too long and run into way too many people I would rather not see. I think moving to a new city (small or big) in a different state will be somewhat liberating.

When did you discuss your depression with your PI? I have been struggling with the urge to tell my prospective advisors about my depression and also whether I should write about it in my SOP. There is a noticeable gap in my transcripts due to the year I withdrew and I am wondering if I should explain that. I also have the incompletes that I am uncertain if I should explain. I have already submitted two SOPs and in hindsight I am wondering if I made a mistake by not mentioning these things. Any advice would be appreciated. At least I can make the upcoming SOPs better.

[Viva]

I want to thank you for this, too! I think you have a point with small programs. How it is I missed that I have performed best when I had a respectful mentor-mentee relationship is beyond me. But when you said this I reflected and there was the pattern! Something I should seriously consider in the coming months as I pray for admission decisions.

And I want to second number 2. My school PCP didn't want to give me meds even though my counselor made it clear that at the time I was suicidal. Not something I'm proud of, btw, but the truth. She wanted me to manage my insane crying jags and almost total loss of short term memory with tea and exercise. :/

Yes, tea and exercise can only do so much (and I hate both of them!). I have tried 8 different medications and none have had extraordinary or lasting results. It is very frustrating to have chronic depression and be around people who do not "get it." I would hope that people in academia would be more sensitive to mental illnesses but unfortunately that is sometimes not the case. Thankfully though, I am interested in behavior and neurobiology, so the chances of having an understanding PI is greater since depression is a huge area of study in these fields.

[butterfingers]

Hi Viva,

I was in the same position as you are. I applied for Master's program exactly because I did not feel I could handle the stress of PhD. I did get the same advice as you did, that I should go as far as I can as well as the encouragements that I am well-prepared for PhD. I stuck with my decision, even rejecting the offer of PhD that came from a school despite me applying for its Master's program. I did get into a really good school for my Master's, and there I was able to deal with my depression. I wouldn't say I wasn't stressed out, because the whole year was pretty difficult for me, but I don't know what would have happened if I had been in a PhD program. I know that if I do apply, I want to be as confident and motivated as can be, because ultimately I want to get into a good school with the right fit. Now that I have finished the Master's program, I can say that I am in that place now, and really feel that the time is right for PhD.

Having said that, it ultimately comes down to what program you want to do. You did mention that it's hard to find Master's program that fits your interest. And I feel that you are now already leaning towards PhD. If encouragements are what you need, then I think you should know that yes, you are very capable, you have a respectable background in research, and you already have an idea of what you want to study. YOU CAN DO IT. Do visit the schools, maybe talk to the resident psychiatrist, and get a feel for the people you will be working with. They're gonna be the ones who will take care of you. I depended a lot on my gut feelings because depression can really mess up with your rationality. Don't feel like you have to push yourself to your limits, and be very loving to yourself. And lastly, don't regret any decisions you have made, because either way you are taking steps towards improving yourself.

I'm rooting for you. Good luck!

[UnlikelyGrad]

When did you discuss your depression with your PI? I have been struggling with the urge to tell my prospective advisors about my depression and also whether I should write about it in my SOP. There is a noticeable gap in my transcripts due to the year I withdrew and I am wondering if I should explain that. I also have the incompletes that I am uncertain if I should explain. I have already submitted two SOPs and in hindsight I am wondering if I made a mistake by not mentioning these things. Any advice would be appreciated. At least I can make the upcoming SOPs better.

Actually, I never brought it up myself--he mentioned his wife's depression first (can't remember how the conversation had wandered there) and I mentioned I went through it too.

I actually did mention depression to a couple of people I wanted to work for while I was visiting schools--in some cases their reaction made me run far, far away.

Still looking for a permanent advisor here...I suppose I need to bring up the 'D' word with all of my possibilities, but I have actually started to get a good feel over the years for which sorts of personalities deal well with it and which don't.

[rising_star]

When did you discuss your depression with your PI? I have been struggling with the urge to tell my prospective advisors about my depression and also whether I should write about it in my SOP. There is a noticeable gap in my transcripts due to the year I withdrew and I am wondering if I should explain that. I also have the incompletes that I am uncertain if I should explain. I have already submitted two SOPs and in hindsight I am wondering if I made a mistake by not mentioning these things. Any advice would be appreciated. At least I can make the upcoming SOPs better.

To be honest, I would be pretty careful about doing this. While I doubt my advisor is wholly insensitive to mental health issues, he takes a completely hands-off position when it comes to the personal lives of his students (doesn't want to know if we're dating or whom, about pregnancy [though he does have a pregnant student and a couple of students with young kids], or medical issues [just say you need a medical leave and you're good]). So yea, I would be wary about mentioning it unless it's absolutely crucial for you to do so.

[coyabean]

To be honest, I would be pretty careful about doing this. While I doubt my advisor is wholly insensitive to mental health issues, he takes a completely hands-off position when it comes to the personal lives of his students (doesn't want to know if we're dating or whom, about pregnancy [though he does have a pregnant student and a couple of students with young kids], or medical issues [just say you need a medical leave and you're good]). So yea, I would be wary about mentioning it unless it's absolutely crucial for you to do so.

Ditto this. My main mentor? I would NEVER tell him. Another mentor and I have a different relationship and she vaguely knows I have to consider non-academic factors in program choices. Unless the person invites you to divulge, don't. And people do that either explicitly or by first divulging personal info to you. If they don't do either of those? They are not interested, know its not their strong suit and/or never wants to be put in the position to be charged with discrimination.

[LateAntique]

To be honest, I would be pretty careful about doing this. While I doubt my advisor is wholly insensitive to mental health issues, he takes a completely hands-off position when it comes to the personal lives of his students (doesn't want to know if we're dating or whom, about pregnancy [though he does have a pregnant student and a couple of students with young kids], or medical issues [just say you need a medical leave and you're good]). So yea, I would be wary about mentioning it unless it's absolutely crucial for you to do so.

This was my feeling as well. I've never been through this process, but it seems like it could be an unwise move to divulge too much too fast.

[Viva]

To be honest, I would be pretty careful about doing this. While I doubt my advisor is wholly insensitive to mental health issues, he takes a completely hands-off position when it comes to the personal lives of his students (doesn't want to know if we're dating or whom, about pregnancy [though he does have a pregnant student and a couple of students with young kids], or medical issues [just say you need a medical leave and you're good]). So yea, I would be wary about mentioning it unless it's absolutely crucial for you to do so.

Ditto this. My main mentor? I would NEVER tell him. Another mentor and I have a different relationship and she vaguely knows I have to consider non-academic factors in program choices. Unless the person invites you to divulge, don't. And people do that either explicitly or by first divulging personal info to you. If they don't do either of those? They are not interested, know its not their strong suit and/or never wants to be put in the position to be charged with discrimination.

This was my feeling as well. I've never been through this process, but it seems like it could be an unwise move to divulge too much too fast.

After reading all of your replies. I am thinking that it would be risky for me to mention it unless I am invited to talk about it whether directly or indirectly (as coyabean put it). I have mentioned before that I have a problem with being too candid with people and this seems like another situation in which I will have to fight that inclination. Thanks for all of your helpful advice. For the time being, my lips are sealed.

[Viva]

Hi Viva,

I was in the same position as you are. I applied for Master's program exactly because I did not feel I could handle the stress of PhD. I did get the same advice as you did, that I should go as far as I can as well as the encouragements that I am well-prepared for PhD. I stuck with my decision, even rejecting the offer of PhD that came from a school despite me applying for its Master's program. I did get into a really good school for my Master's, and there I was able to deal with my depression. I wouldn't say I wasn't stressed out, because the whole year was pretty difficult for me, but I don't know what would have happened if I had been in a PhD program. I know that if I do apply, I want to be as confident and motivated as can be, because ultimately I want to get into a good school with the right fit. Now that I have finished the Master's program, I can say that I am in that place now, and really feel that the time is right for PhD.

Having said that, it ultimately comes down to what program you want to do. You did mention that it's hard to find Master's program that fits your interest. And I feel that you are now already leaning towards PhD. If encouragements are what you need, then I think you should know that yes, you are very capable, you have a respectable background in research, and you already have an idea of what you want to study. YOU CAN DO IT. Do visit the schools, maybe talk to the resident psychiatrist, and get a feel for the people you will be working with. They're gonna be the ones who will take care of you. I depended a lot on my gut feelings because depression can really mess up with your rationality. Don't feel like you have to push yourself to your limits, and be very loving to yourself. And lastly, don't regret any decisions you have made, because either way you are taking steps towards improving yourself.

I'm rooting for you. Good luck!

Thanks Butterfingers. I will root for you as well as you apply to PhD programs. I have decided to apply to both master's and PhD programs for this application season. I have really valued all of the helpful advice I have received here and also have gotten a lot of good advice from prospective advisors. One professor told me to apply to both, see where I am accepted and then worry about making the decision which is what I think is best for me at this point. Hopefully, five months from now, I will have some more clarity. Thank you so much for your encouragement.

[Viva]

I had an interview with a prospective advisor today. He was generally nice but after reviewing my CV he said my varied research experience (each project usually lasting 3-6 months) and lack of publications might be a red flag. The way he put it, "you might be perceived as a dilettante." That completely took the wind out of my sails. This whole process is such a wicked rollercoaster.

[pip]

I have been struggling with the urge to tell my prospective advisors about my depression and also whether I should write about it in my SOP. There is a noticeable gap in my transcripts due to the year I withdrew and I am wondering if I should explain that. I also have the incompletes that I am uncertain if I should explain. I have already submitted two SOPs and in hindsight I am wondering if I made a mistake by not mentioning these things. Any advice would be appreciated. At least I can make the upcoming SOPs better.

I am also trying to decide how to address past depression and gaps in my education. My record of the last few years is stellar, but the first seven (yes, seven) years were pretty sketchy. I took classes at six different schools part time, finishing some and not others. Where I had major depressions I withdrew completely from semesters or let them go to incompletes. The biggest factor of my recent success is that I got sober and started taking medication regularly. It's night and day on my transcripts. Clearly, I can do the work. I feel up to it and know that intellectual challenges give me confidence. But my task right now is to reconcile my past and recent records in my SOP, and I'm struggling.

I do think I some version of the truth is necessary to explain the inconsistency. A past professor said absolutely do not mention addiction (even though I've been clean five years), and only discuss depression very delicately, if at all. Two other professors said my current record will speak for itself and beyond a passing comment addessing it, I shouldn't dwell on it. They didn't have the transcripts in front of them, though.

Another option I have that I haven't discussed with my professors is to talk about PTSD. I was the victim of a brutal rape, and it's possible to explain my past in terms of the trauma being debilitating for many years. It's not the whole truth, but maybe partial is best in my case. It just feels a little misleading, since I've always thought of myself as suffering from depression first and foremost. Thoughts?

[workingonit]

I agree with peoples' advice on to keep your lips sealed for the time being--an SOP is the time to project your motivation and excitement about pursuing this type of program, not to spend your entire time explaining away the gaps in your application--but don't ignore the red flags in your application entirely. I got some really good advice along these lines, when I was trying to figure out how to account for the fact that my undergrad research advisor wouldn't be writing me a letter of recommendation--have your recommenders handle the explanations. It (a) gives you credibility regarding the explanation of your withdrawals/incompletes, ( keeps you sounding positive and excited, and © shows that, despite your struggles with depression, you've still managed to impress good people and have them go to bat for you. It handles an awkward situation quite well, because it really highlights you as the prepared scholar you are and doesn't label you in any kind of negative fashion. If you're candid with your recommenders, most of them will be happy to help.

All of that being said, I've dealt with depression too--and it royally sucks. I definitely think you should shoot for the top though--you're an excellent candidate, and you have every reason to expect some good options come March/April. Don't sell yourself short by not submitting the applications, because you can't get into a program if you don't apply. Best of luck!

[coyabean]

I agree with peoples' advice on to keep your lips sealed for the time being--an SOP is the time to project your motivation and excitement about pursuing this type of program, not to spend your entire time explaining away the gaps in your application--but don't ignore the red flags in your application entirely. I got some really good advice along these lines, when I was trying to figure out how to account for the fact that my undergrad research advisor wouldn't be writing me a letter of recommendation--have your recommenders handle the explanations. It (a) gives you credibility regarding the explanation of your withdrawals/incompletes, ( keeps you sounding positive and excited, and © shows that, despite your struggles with depression, you've still managed to impress good people and have them go to bat for you. It handles an awkward situation quite well, because it really highlights you as the prepared scholar you are and doesn't label you in any kind of negative fashion. If you're candid with your recommenders, most of them will be happy to help.

All of that being said, I've dealt with depression too--and it royally sucks. I definitely think you should shoot for the top though--you're an excellent candidate, and you have every reason to expect some good options come March/April. Don't sell yourself short by not submitting the applications, because you can't get into a program if you don't apply. Best of luck!

I got the same advice. I specifically asked one of my writers to reference it and another did it on her own.