Please review my writings

[Schwein]

I am going to take the test On 22nd, Jan, and I am not an English native speaker. Can someone give me some advices on my writing?

 

ISSUE

 

Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

 

My Essay:

 

Although scandals sometimes can reveal some truths and lead the public to focus on some severe problems in the society, generally speaking, scandals can only help to solve problems to a modest extent.

 

Sometimes scandals may reveal some problems that politicians or officials want to conceal. Especially in authoritarian countries in which the government tends to hold up bad news. In China, there was a famous scandal related to the red-cross several years ago. A girl named Guo Meimei posted some expensive LV handbags on the Internet and remarked that the handbags are from a manager of the red-cross. Suddenly, the photos and Guo's remarks became a high-profile scandal. Consequently, the public started to pay attention to corruptions in the red-cross institutions. At last, the manager was arrested because of corruption and the public no longer trust the red-cross. Without Guo's scandal, people in China may never know the severe corruption in the red-cross, an institution that aims to help the disadvantageous.

 

However, sometimes scandals may confuse people's attention with some minor issues. In the Unites States, almost in every election year, the presidential candidates may try to use scandals to vilify each other. Some of the scandals may reveal traits that may lead to devastating result if the candidate is elected. But often times, the scandals focus on some minor things, especially personal affairs. These scandals may do harm to the candidate's reputation, but it may attract people's attention to some minor points that are impertinent to the candidate's real ability.

 

Moreover, scandals are usually used as a powerful weapon to vilify each other by politicians. In this case, although the scandal may reveal some problems, nobody can judge whether the problems are exaggerated. If the public trust the scandal, a vicious politician who attacks rivals by making up scandals may be installed to an important position. Simultaneously, the good reputation of a politician may be damaged. Thus, believing in scandals may finally lead to some detrimental effects.

 

In sum, scandals may help to reveal some problems, but it is not a good choice for a country to scrutinize its politicians' behaviors via scandals. 

 

Argument

 

The following appeared in a letter from a homeowner to a friend.

 

"Of the two leading real estate firms in our town—Adams Realty and Fitch Realty—Adams Realty is clearly superior. Adams has 40 real estate agents; in contrast, Fitch has 25, many of whom work only part-time. Moreover, Adams' revenue last year was twice as high as that of Fitch and included home sales that averaged $168,000, compared to Fitch's $144,000. Homes listed with Adams sell faster as well: ten years ago I listed my home with Fitch, and it took more than four months to sell; last year, when I sold another home, I listed it with Adams, and it took only one month. Thus, if you want to sell your home quickly and at a good price, you should use Adams Realty."

 

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

 

My essay:

 

The Argument is flawed for numerous reasons. Primarily, the argument assumes that the real estate firm with more agents is also more effective, and full-time agents are more effective than part-time ones. However, although Adams Realty has 15 more agents than Fitch Realty does, Fitch may have trained their agents more scientifically. Consequently, their agents may be more effective than Adams' in terms of selling houses. Besides, part-time agents also have some advantages. Their social network is more diversified. Real estate firm agents may seldom know potential customers personally. They only use selling skills to sell houses. But part-time agents may have some friends who coincidentally want to buy a house. In this case, the agent can just sell the house to his friend. Since it is based on personal relationships, the deal may be more profitable.

 

Moreover, the argument invokes the two firms' revenues to justify that Adams sells houses faster than Fitch does. However, there is an implicit assumption that the two firms operate in the same area. If Adams mainly operates in the downtown areas, where prices for houses is relatively high, and Fitch mainly operates in rural areas, the assumption will not hold true. Similarly, higher average price does not necessarily mean more effective operation. If the average area of houses listed with Adams is larger than house listed with Fitch. The average price set by Adams will definitely be higher than that set by Fitch. But it does not mean that Adams bring more benefits to the homeowners.

 

Finally, the homeowner also uses his own experiences to support the statement that Adams if more effective than Fitch. But there was a 9-year interval between he sold the two homes. In 9 years, Fitch may have reformed in lots of aspects to improve its efficiency. It is not justifiable to assume that nothing has changed during the 9 years.

 

In sum, the argument has many implicit assumptions. If these assumptions are unwarranted, the statement is also not justifiable.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 8, 2016 by Schwein