help critiquing my SOP

[shoshoadalat]

hello guys,

would any of you be interested in critiquing my humble SOP? lol I am not sure if this is the right place to ask for this but I am kinda desperate so I will give it a try, I am applying for petroleum engineering master. and here is what I got so far:

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Growing in a traditional society, I faced cultural barriers that confine females in less demanding careers. Aware of the relentless defying spirit in me, I knew that such limits will not satisfy my ambitions for greater challenging accomplishments, and that I had to overcome that barrier. This coupled with my boundless fascination for those mysterious underground black gold reservoirs is why I decided to try unveiling their mystery and pursue one of the most challenging fields; Petroleum Engineering “PE”. PE is limited to males only in my home country; starting from the department admission and up to prohibiting female engineers from working in the oilfield. Despite that I was determined to infiltrate this field. I studied engineering in my undergraduate, and aimed to gain PE experience by seeking a career outside my country upon graduation, and eventually further my studies by obtaining an M.S. and a PhD in Petroleum Engineering. Since my early days I have constantly maintained stellar academic performance. During my college admission exams, my score was ranked the 6th nationwide (94.9%); receiving several official recognitions and college scholarship, hence securing my Electrical Engineering B.S. honor degree from the top Engineering College in : University of *. Moreover, I have scored consistent first-class grades. My GPA was 7.51/10, while such number might seem low; it is in fact in the top 5 scores in my University. As university of **** grading system is well known to be strict, all first class students typically have their GPAs ranging from 7 to 7.8. My graduation project was presented and won in the “Nile Center for Technology Research” competition. I also wrote a paper “Conceptualizing the Impact of Technology in Developing Countries “, It was selected and presented by International Technology Union “ITU”-a technology focused United Nation agency. All of which demonstrates evidently my abilities to achieve exceptional academic performance. I started my PE career with **, where I accumulated 5 years of experience in the Artificial Lift and Production Optimization. My responsibilities included analyzing reservoir inflow behavior, downhole monitoring and control, lifting systems design, and well performance modelling to provide production optimization recommendations. I received multiple technical courses that strengthened my abilities to perform my duties. Furthermore, I published several technical papers within * internal technical board. I am currently in my first graduate semester in the **** program in Texas A&M, and although it is an interesting field; taking Production Engineering (PETE662) as my elective course this semester have reignited my long-lived burning passion to PE, and reaffirmed to me that pursuing this field is my definite purpose in life. And this is why I decided to change my major. My plan is to seek a PE Masters and proceed to a Doctorate degree. this will unarguably complement my professional knowledge in the field, and unleash my fullest potential, hence becoming the noteworthy achiever I have always sought to be in this fascinating industry. I aspire to obtain my degree at your prestigious University; As it goes without saying it’s among the top engineering schools nationally and globally. What is more intriguing me is the remarkable team of your eminent professors who are well recognized as industry experts, I am particularly eager to learn from Prof. **** and Prof. ***** , whose areas of interest are in production engineering, well stimulation, and complex well performance, a major research interest I am targeting. I am also looking forward to study courses such as Horizontal, Multilateral and Intelligent Wells (PETE636), and Modern Petroleum Production (PETE618). I am confident that my professional competency and academic performance empowers me with the essential aptitudes to live up to your program standards. Thank you for your consideration, I look forward to have the honor to learn from such an intellectually inspiring program and professors as yours.

you can be as harsh as you wish to be, I am not a native English speaker so I am sure there is some linguistic flaws here, also I need to shorten it so if you see any unnecessary blah blah please let me know .. thank you people!

[sjoh197]

3 hours ago, shoshoadalat said:

hello guys,

would any of you be interested in critiquing my humble SOP? lol I am not sure if this is the right place to ask for this but I am kinda desperate so I will give it a try, I am applying for petroleum engineering master. and here is what I got so far:

---

Growing up in a traditional society I faced cultural barriers that confined women to certain careers. Overcoming these cultural barriers, I pursued my ambitions for a challenging career in PE. Aware of the relentless defying spirit in me, I knew that such limits will not satisfy my ambitions for greater challenging accomplishments, and that I had to overcome that barrier. (Remove) This coupled with my boundless fascination for those mysterious underground black gold reservoirs is why I decided to try unveiling their mystery and pursue one of the most challenging fields; (Everyone in every field going to grad school is going because they are "fascinated") (Remove)  Petroleum Engineering “PE”. (Everyone involved knows that PE stands for Pete stands for Petroleum Engineering....Remove) PE is limited to men in my home country; starting from the department admission all the way up to prohibiting female engineers from working in the oilfield. Despite these factors, I was determined to pursue my field of interest. I studied engineering in my undergraduate, and aimed to gain PE experience by seeking a career outside my country upon graduation, eventually hoping to further my studies by obtaining an M.S. and a PhD in Petroleum Engineering. Since my early days I have constantly maintained stellar academic performance. During my college admission exams, my score was ranked the 6th nationwide (94.9%); receiving several official recognitions and college scholarship, hence securing my Electrical Engineering B.S. honor degree from the top Engineering College in : University of *. Moreover, I have scored consistent first-class grades. My GPA was 7.51/10, while such number might seem low; it is in fact in the top 5 scores in my University. As university of **** grading system is well known to be strict, all first class students typically have their GPAs ranging from 7 to 7.8. (Remove all)  My graduation project was presented at and won in the “Nile Center for Technology Research” competition. I also wrote a paper “Conceptualizing the Impact of Technology in Developing Countries “, It was selected and presented by International Technology Union “ITU”-a technology focused United Nation agency. All of which demonstrates evidently my abilities to achieve exceptional academic performance. I started my PE career with **, where I accumulated 5 years of experience in the Artificial Lift and Production Optimization. My responsibilities included analyzing reservoir inflow behavior, downhole monitoring and control, lifting systems design, and well performance modelling to provide production optimization recommendations. I received multiple technical courses that strengthened my abilities to perform my duties. Furthermore, I published several technical papers within * internal technical board. I am currently in my first graduate semester in the **** program in Texas A&M, and although it is an interesting field; taking Production Engineering (PETE662) as my elective course this semester have reignited my long-lived burning passion to PE, and reaffirmed to me that pursuing this field is my definite purpose in life. And this is why I decided to change my major. My plan is to seek a PE Masters and proceed to a Doctorate degree. this will unarguably complement my professional knowledge in the field, and unleash my fullest potential, hence becoming the noteworthy achiever I have always sought to be in this fascinating industry. (If you always wanted to be in this field... what MS are you working on now? and why is it not pete?) I aspire to work with your department in achieving these goals. I am particularly eager to learn from (work with) Prof. **** and Prof. ***** , whose areas of interest in production engineering, well stimulation, and complex well performance, are major research interests of mine. I am also looking forward to study courses such as Horizontal, Multilateral and Intelligent Wells (PETE636), and Modern Petroleum Production (PETE618). I am confident that my professional competency and academic performance empowers me with the essential aptitudes to live up to your program standards. Thank you for your consideration, I look forward to have the honor to learn from such an intellectually inspiring program and professors as yours.

you can be as harsh as you wish to be, I am not a native English speaker so I am sure there is some linguistic flaws here, also I need to shorten it so if you see any unnecessary blah blah please let me know .. thank you people!

In all of this you spent less than one sentence actually talking about what you want to research and do.... getting a PhD in eng is all about the research. You really need to expand on that. It's a statement of "Purpose" not a statement of things you've already done.