Please SEVERLY Critique My International Relations SOP

[chirashi]

Hello everyone,

I'm hoping to get some feedback on my SOP because I've rewritten this thing so many times that I don't know if its anything close to resembling "good" anymore. I also think that it's a bit too wordy/clunky in certain areas. But at the very least, it answers the topic... I think.

Anyway, I'd like a serious critique, grammar corrections and some tips on how to make it more memorable. (Whenever I read sample SOPs, I feel like I've done nothing with my life to make me a competitive candidate.)

SOP TOPIC:

"Applicants should discuss the professional, academic and personal experiences that have most contributed to their desire to study international relations, their specific interest in the intended area of focus at [super Awesome University X], and professional goals/objectives upon graduation. This essay should be no more than 600 words."

SOP:

In 2009 I volunteered with the non-profit organization, ASDF, in their QWERTY Campaign to help a Dalit (formally known as “Untouchables”) community. I worked side-by-side with villagers, mixing cement to transform houses made of thatch and mud into brick homes. I was also a teacher in the village’s one-room school, teaching English and playing hand-clapping games with the children. By volunteering, I hoped to contribute to the long-term stability of this Dalit village. However, when I learned that Dalit women and children are targets of human trafficking, I immediately felt that the cruelty and violence of this crime diminished the impact of our humanitarian aid: The houses we built could provide shelter from heat and rain, but not this crime. Initially, this realization made me feel that my volunteer work was useless: Human trafficking is a crime that perpetuates poverty and undermines the stability of communities and nations. Moreover, I felt naïve playing games with children in danger of becoming modern slaves. However, this initial feeling of powerlessness has motivated me to become a more qualified professional because I know that I can contribute more than a game of paddy-cake to these people. I aim to pursue a career wherein I can combat those criminals who operate outside national (and moral) boundaries.

Understanding the causes and complexities of transnational crimes lies at the crossroads of international security, international law and human rights. Only at the Super Awesome University X can I deepen my knowledge in these functional areas simultaneously. Furthermore, Super Awesome University X has several professors with expertise in these fields, including Professor X and Dr. Henry Philip "Hank" McCoy. While my primary interest are transnational crimes, like human trafficking, which offend both human rights and the security of communities, I also have a growing concern with the destabilizing effect that weapon proliferation and terrorism have on nations. Ultimately, I hope to use the education I receive at Super Awesome University X in conjunction with my commitment to human rights to strengthen the arm of international law, and encourage international cooperation in the investigation and prosecution of international criminals. Unfortunately, many impoverished countries are hesitant to take legal action because of the economic benefits that crimes, like sex tourism, can generate. For that reason, I also wish to learn more about the use of negotiation and coercion to gain the cooperation of foreign countries. Additionally, because Super Awesome University Xs offers internships with government organizations, my participation in these internships would translate into hands-on experience in my future career. Whether my career includes the investigation of human trafficking with U.S Immigration and Customs Enforcement or providing analytical support for the counter-terrorism unit at the Federal Bureau of Investigations, I believe a Super Awesome University X’s education offers me the most suitable education to reach my goals.

I realize that my goals are ambitious for someone who graduated with an B.A. in English rather than international relations or politics. However, my undergraduate degree has provided me with acute analytical and writing skills that will aid me at Super Awesome University X. Furthermore, I have three years of international work experience in Japan with the JET (Japanese Exchange Teaching) Program. My participation in this program nurtured my interpersonal and negotiation skills, thanks to practical experience working with a variety of professionals from different backgrounds. Furthermore, living in Japan gave me a direct opportunity for me to enhance my Japanese language abilities. The chance to speak directly with Japanese people allowed me to learn about differing values and belief systems, as well as expand my own world view. Ultimately, my experiences in Japan and India have led me to see America and its neighbors as members of a global community with shared concerns about future prosperity and stability.

Edited November 18, 2009 by chirashi

[Judth]

Hello everyone,

I'm hoping to get some feedback on my SOP because I've rewritten this thing so many times that I don't know if its anything close to resembling "good" anymore. I also think that it's a bit too wordy/clunky in certain areas. But at the very least, it answers the topic... I think.

Anyway, I'd like a serious critique, grammar corrections and some tips on how to make it more memorable. (Whenever I read sample SOPs, I feel like I've done nothing with my life to make me a competitive candidate.)

SOP TOPIC:

"Applicants should discuss the professional, academic and personal experiences that have most contributed to their desire to study international relations, their specific interest in the intended area of focus at [super Awesome University X], and professional goals/objectives upon graduation. This essay should be no more than 600 words."

SOP:

In 2009 I volunteered with the non-profit organization, ASDF, in their QWERTY Campaign to help a Dalit (formally known as “Untouchables”) community. I worked side-by-side with villagers, mixing cement to transform houses made of thatch and mud into brick homes. I was also a teacher in the village’s one-room school, teaching English and playing hand-clapping games with the children. By volunteering, I hoped to contribute to the long-term stability of this Dalit village. However, when I learned that Dalit women and children are targets of human trafficking, I immediately felt that the cruelty and violence of this crime diminished the impact of our humanitarian aid: The houses we built could provide shelter from heat and rain, but not this crime. Initially, this realization made me feel that my volunteer work was useless: Human trafficking is a crime that perpetuates poverty and undermines the stability of communities and nations. Moreover, I felt naïve playing games with children in danger of becoming modern slaves. However, this initial feeling of powerlessness has motivated me to become a more qualified professional because I know that I can contribute more than a game of paddy-cake to these people. I aim to pursue a career wherein I can combat those criminals who operate outside national (and moral) boundaries.

Understanding the causes and complexities of transnational crimes lies at the crossroads of international security, international law and human rights. Only at the Super Awesome University X can I deepen my knowledge in these functional areas simultaneously. Furthermore, Super Awesome University X has several professors with expertise in these fields, including Professor X and Dr. Henry Philip "Hank" McCoy. While my primary interest are transnational crimes, like human trafficking, which offend both human rights and the security of communities, I also have a growing concern with the destabilizing effect that weapon proliferation and terrorism have on nations. Ultimately, I hope to use the education I receive at Super Awesome University X in conjunction with my commitment to human rights to strengthen the arm of international law, and encourage international cooperation in the investigation and prosecution of international criminals. Unfortunately, many impoverished countries are hesitant to take legal action because of the economic benefits that crimes, like sex tourism, can generate. For that reason, I also wish to learn more about the use of negotiation and coercion to gain the cooperation of foreign countries. Additionally, because Super Awesome University Xs offers internships with government organizations, my participation in these internships would translate into hands-on experience in my future career. Whether my career includes the investigation of human trafficking with U.S Immigration and Customs Enforcement or providing analytical support for the counter-terrorism unit at the Federal Bureau of Investigations, I believe a Super Awesome University X’s education offers me the most suitable education to reach my goals.

I realize that my goals are ambitious for someone who graduated with an B.A. in English rather than international relations or politics. However, my undergraduate degree has provided me with acute analytical and writing skills that will aid me at Super Awesome University X. Furthermore, I have three years of international work experience in Japan with the JET (Japanese Exchange Teaching) Program. My participation in this program nurtured my interpersonal and negotiation skills, thanks to practical experience working with a variety of professionals from different backgrounds. Furthermore, living in Japan gave me a direct opportunity for me to enhance my Japanese language abilities. The chance to speak directly with Japanese people allowed me to learn about differing values and belief systems, as well as expand my own world view. Ultimately, my experiences in Japan and India have led me to see America and its neighbors as members of a global community with shared concerns about future prosperity and stability.

Hi,

I think its a good start, but here are my suggestions:

Para 1: there is something abrupt about this paragraph. Although Dalit is a fairly recognizable term in India, you might want to contextualise that a bit. "The houses we built could provide shelter from heat and rain, but not this crime." -- rephrase this?

" I aim to pursue a career wherein I can combat those criminals who operate outside national (and moral) boundaries." Very interesting, but can you elaborate a bit more on this, perhaps?

Para 2: I think its an excellent fit paragraph that should technically come as the last part of your SOP.

Para 3: I am just thinking aloud here: But I have heard that the status of the Burakumein is very similar to the Dalit status in India. Perhaps you could link both of them and perhaps, then talk about the States and Asia as being members of a global community. Also, three or four lines describing your future goals. I am not sure whether you want to get into policy making or if you want to work with NGOs from your SOP.

Good Luck!!

[Tam]

I realize that you're looking for a severe critique, so this might not be helpful, but I thought it sounded pretty great. My only (tiny) quibble is that "acute" strikes me as a strange modifier for writing skills. I might just go with "sharp" if that's what I meant, but I'm not sure.

[jkw]

I immediately felt that the cruelty and violence of this crime diminished the impact of our humanitarian aid: The houses we built could provide shelter from heat and rain, but not this crime. Initially, this realization made me feel that my volunteer work was useless: Human trafficking is a crime that perpetuates poverty and undermines the stability of communities and nations. Moreover, I felt naïve playing games with children in danger of becoming modern slaves. However, this initial feeling of powerlessness has motivated me to become a more qualified professional because I know that I can contribute more than a game of paddy-cake to these people. I aim to pursue a career wherein I can combat those criminals who operate outside national (and moral) boundaries.

- This is sort of strange. First you undermine your own work, and then you call it "useless." Perhaps it was insufficient, or a beginning, but calling it useless is probably not the best idea. If you're trying to contrast your feelings at that moment with later realizations then you need to follow the "initially" with another sentence that explains your revised understanding.

- The sentence beginning "Human Trafficking" can be deleted, it doesn't provide any information that connects it to the sentence before. If you're trying to explain why it made you feel like your work was useless (or compromised) then you need to make a strong connection (that connection being, perhaps, that there wasn't a strong connection) between your own volunteer work and the human trafficking problem.

- I think you should also delete the sentence about you feeling "naive." Explaining what you felt isn't as compelling as explaining what it make you realize. I think this is a distinction you need to consider carefully. You speak about how you felt but not in terms of how it altered your understanding. Rather, you tie this experience to a desire to overcome your own feelings of powerlessness. I don't think you really want to do this. It's a better idea to explain what it made you realize about the world around you and how continuing your education will provide you with the necessary resources to provide more substantial aid in the future.

Understanding the causes and complexities of transnational crimes lies at the crossroads of international security, international law and human rights. Only at the Super Awesome University X can I deepen my knowledge in these functional areas simultaneously.

- Is this actually true? Is Super Awesome University X the only place where you can study these things? If it TRULY is then fine, otherwise you will sound ill-informed.

Furthermore, Super Awesome University X has several professors with expertise in these fields, including Professor X and Dr. Henry Philip "Hank" McCoy.

- Instead of just name dropping, it would be better if you gave a sentence or two about how their research, in particular, interests you.

While my primary interest are transnational crimes, like human trafficking, which offend both human rights and the security of communities, I also have a growing concern with the destabilizing effect that weapon proliferation and terrorism have on nations. Ultimately, I hope to use the education I receive at Super Awesome University X in conjunction with my commitment to human rights to strengthen the arm of international law, and encourage international cooperation in the investigation and prosecution of international criminals. Unfortunately, many impoverished countries are hesitant to take legal action because of the economic benefits that crimes, like sex tourism, can generate. For that reason, I also wish to learn more about the use of negotiation and coercion to gain the cooperation of foreign countries. Additionally, because Super Awesome University Xs offers internships with government organizations, my participation in these internships would translate into hands-on experience in my future career. Whether my career includes the investigation of human trafficking with U.S Immigration and Customs Enforcement or providing analytical support for the counter-terrorism unit at the Federal Bureau of Investigations, I believe a Super Awesome University X’s education offers me the most suitable education to reach my goals.

- This paragraph needs work. I don't know much about international relations but it seems to me that you basically just said you're interested in everything. You named transnational crimes, weapons proliferation, terrorism, negotiation and coercion. Isn't this a little bit too diverse? maybe not, but just a thought. I think you should try to refocus this paragraph. Try to state your interests and demonstrate some depth of knowledge about those interests, not just explain the categories of IR that interest you, but the particularities as well. The part about the internships should be moved to the preceding "fit" paragraph. You need to do a copy-edit as well.

I realize that my goals are ambitious for someone who graduated with an B.A. in English rather than international relations or politics. However, my undergraduate degree has provided me with acute analytical and writing skills that will aid me at Super Awesome University X. Furthermore, I have three years of international work experience in Japan with the JET (Japanese Exchange Teaching) Program. My participation in this program nurtured my interpersonal and negotiation skills, thanks to practical experience working with a variety of professionals from different backgrounds. Furthermore, living in Japan gave me a direct opportunity for me to enhance my Japanese language abilities. The chance to speak directly with Japanese people allowed me to learn about differing values and belief systems, as well as expand my own world view. Ultimately, my experiences in Japan and India have led me to see America and its neighbors as members of a global community with shared concerns about future prosperity and stability.

-Don't undermine your degree! I like the sentence about how your English degree provides you with the tools necessary to succeed, but you don't need to act as if it puts you at a disadvantage.

-Highlight your work experience!! But you need to do this differently. Instead of explaining what skills it gave you focus on what it taught you about the world. This paints you as someone committed to learning about the world and what work needs to be done in the future, rather than someone who has work experience.

Those are just some suggestions. But I think overall you need to focus more on explaining how your experiences have alerted you to certain problems which you are interested in fixing - and continuing your education will put you in a better position to do this. It should not be about overcoming your own feelings or demonstrating what you've already learned, but rather what you have left to learn.