love and grad school

[kch04003]

I just broke up with my boyfriend last night, which really sucked.

It's my first semester in a doctorate program (and probably the worst time to start a new relationship), I am stressed to the max, and being with him was causing me a lot of anxiety. So it's probably a good thing.

However, my question is: how have other grad students managed to have relationships and balance their workload? My ex was not a student, but he had been through grad school himself, which made me think he would be understanding about my schoolwork...it's really hard to meet people that *get it* about grad school.

It makes me feel like I'll never find someone who understands that being in a doctorate program takes over your entire life...the work never stops. Also, I am 22 and teaching classes for the first time ever, so I really have a lot on my plate. I want to have it all....good grades, a nice boyfriend, and to be a good teacher. Sorry to ramble on, but I really need some advice from those who have been there....how do you date in grad school? Is dating non-students more trouble than it's worth?

[mudlark]

Sorry about the break up. I know a handful of people who channeled their angst after the end of a relationship into being really insanely productive in their programs. Hope that happens for you.

I'm not in the dating pool any more, but I am newly married to a non-academic. In fact, my husband only took one term of university before dropping out. Needless to say, I think dating people outside the ivory tower is a great idea. My husband isn't caught up in the same funding, performance, and job worries that I am, so he's great at calming me down when I get academic tunnel vision and lose perspective. He's also a film geek, so we can talk about narrative, genre, and a lot of the things I'm interested in as an English student. He's a great person for me to test out my ideas on, because he has an open mind but no formal training. If I can explain it to him, I know I have it clear in my own head.

Workload and relationship balance isn't that hard. In fact, I find that having him around makes me work more efficiently. Instead of spending all evening tracking down tangents that might be useful, and fussing over a draft for the billionth time, I get the required work done, stop, and go watch a cheesy horror film with him. A PhD program doesn't HAVE to take over your entire life. I know that people talk like if you're not killing yourself, you're not working hard enough. I know that it's difficult to find enough confidence to unplug from the gossip about who's working more. But really and truly, you can be very successful and still take time for dinner and conversation every night.

There's a lot in your post about how HE didn't understand YOUR circumstances and your priorities. I wonder if you really tried to understand his, or if you shut him down because he's not an academic. That sounds harsh, and I don't mean it to be. I really feel for you. First terms are really hard. I just know how all-consuming the stress can be, and how hard it is to listen to someone close to you telling you to calm down and smell the roses when you spend all day on campus around people who are big flashing red panic lights in human form. If he was an asshole who tried to keep you from necessary work, ignore my advice. But if he, or the next non-academic guy you date, are decent folk who were trying to be supportive in their own way, it's definitely worth giving what they have to say a shot.

[piccgeek]

My fiance is an academic--we're both first year grad students (at schools 1000 miles apart, but, you know...it happens. Thank God mine's only a two year MA program). However, we are in REALLY different fields--I'm in English lit, he's in Computer Science. I know it's not always easy to meet people outside your department once you're in grad school (I think every new person I've met has been involved in the English department some how), but I really like the balance of dating someone who 1) gets grad school stuff/stress in general, but 2) doesn't know about your department drama and, like the previous poster mentioned, is someone I can try my ideas out on. He's really interested in English stuff (I find most people are if you're talking about pop culture stuff), and he's super smart, but he has NO training in literary analysis, so if I can explain something to him, I can explain it to anyone. Conversely, I get to hear about all kinds of cool science/tech stuff that I never would (or COULD) have thought of.

So I guess my advice is to go out and meet people, including those outside your department! And as far as dating a non-academic, I don't think there's anything inherently unsuccessful about such a relationship. I know tons of PhD students in my department who are married to non-academics, and they all say pretty much what mudlark says--it can be a good thing to have someone who isn't stressed about the same things you are.

I know everything sucks now, but it will get better!

[kch04003]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. It was one of those situations where we had different values and different expectations for the relationships, so we were fundamentally incompatible. I've heard from others though that grad school is a romantic wasteland (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration). How do you meet people from other departments? More importantly, do you have time to?

[piccgeek]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. It was one of those situations where we had different values and different expectations for the relationships, so we were fundamentally incompatible. I've heard from others though that grad school is a romantic wasteland (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration). How do you meet people from other departments? More importantly, do you have time to?

All it takes is meeting one person from another department to open up a whole new sphere of social networking. The best way to meet people is, of course, through people...so really, your best bet is to just let yourself be social for the sake of being social once in a while. I've turned down so many nights out at the pub this year, and now I regret it. The few times I did go, I had a wonderful time and met lots of fun people and it never affected my work. Of course, part of the reason I'm such a hermit is that I'm living with my best friend, so being at home IS a social experience, to some extent, but still, I wish I had taken the time to meet some new people. I did manage to meet dozens of people from the animal science department because I made ONE friend (through my roommate) from that department, and she invited us to all kinds of fun parties/dinners/functions with her people. It was really great to meet people who work on the same campus, but in a different academic world.

So I guess what I'm saying is...I do have time to go out and meet people, and I wish I would admit that to myself more often. I FEEL busy, and so I tell myself I am busy, but that's not ALWAYS true. And really, what do I do at home on these Friday nights when I say I can't go out because I need to work? I watch Buffy, play with our cats, and cruise gradcafe and facebook. Having (little bit of) a social life is like scheduled, productive procrastination. Just means I have to ACTUALLY work the next day.

[rising_star]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. It was one of those situations where we had different values and different expectations for the relationships, so we were fundamentally incompatible. I've heard from others though that grad school is a romantic wasteland (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration). How do you meet people from other departments? More importantly, do you have time to?

I meet people in other departments through my friends, many of whom did their MAs in other depts at our university, through extracurricular activities (I train capoeira but other people take dance or yoga classes, play ultimate frisbee, join a cycling club, etc.), and by just hanging out at the coffee shop or a bar.

And yes, I definitely have time to meet people. It's all about time management.

[Roll Right]

I'm not sure you need to worry about finding someone during graduate school. Cohorts are smaller, a lot smaller than undergrad. You're bound to meet and create close bonds with so many people, as you'll be around them almost all the time. If you don't find someone in your program, it's inevitable you'll meet someone through a colleague, especially in a 4 or 5 year PhD program.

Besides, this is a period of transition. Don't worry about the small things. Build your life up, you're a grad student.

[kahlan_amnell]

I'm not sure you need to worry about finding someone during graduate school. Cohorts are smaller, a lot smaller than undergrad. You're bound to meet and create close bonds with so many people, as you'll be around them almost all the time. If you don't find someone in your program, it's inevitable you'll meet someone through a colleague, especially in a 4 or 5 year PhD program.

Besides, this is a period of transition. Don't worry about the small things. Build your life up, you're a grad student.

It can be a really bad idea to date someone in your program. It can create a lot of drama, and drama just tends to annoy people.

It is an even worse idea to date a professor in your department, even if he or she is not in an area you are studying. That leads to lots of rumors and gossip, and generally is not a good thing for your reputation among other students in the program.

Look outside your department. Have people in your department introduce you to people they know. Join a student organization. Go to graduate student social events that include people from other departments.

[Roll Right]

It can be a really bad idea to date someone in your program. It can create a lot of drama, and drama just tends to annoy people.

It is an even worse idea to date a professor in your department, even if he or she is not in an area you are studying. That leads to lots of rumors and gossip, and generally is not a good thing for your reputation among other students in the program.

Look outside your department. Have people in your department introduce you to people they know. Join a student organization. Go to graduate student social events that include people from other departments.

Yeah, I second that opinion. Honestly, grad school is kind of a huge transition. At least it was for me. I ended up moving to the opposite end of the country. It's been interesting, and gets lonely sometimes, but I think every grad student is experiencing that to some degree. It's important to have companionship, but I think it's also important to give yourself time to adjust to the huge change.